My first stoy

[RenzaJones]

My first story

Like everyone else I'm looking for feedbck

It's a lesbian story, surprise surprise.
here's an excerpt:

She was walking through the rooms, down the hall in and out. She walked without purpose, her high heels echoing on the newly polished wood floors of the empty house. She knew this was the last time she would walk through the place that had been her home for the past seven years. The woman was not overly sad at this aspect although she thought perhaps she should be.


if you want more the link is below

Karen & Kylie ch 1

 

[Colleen Thomas]

Hey,

Hopefully I'll be the first to post here. Before I get into it deeply I want to say that some people write porn, some write erotica and a lot of us kind of hang in the middle. This is erotica, and it is pretty high brow erotica too. Congratualtions on it, it was excellent.

The shifting POV is a little difficult to adjust to at first. Normally there is a break of some kind, but once you get the hang of it it isn't bad. Having both character's name begin with the same letter makes these quick changes even harder to grasp and you have to read slowly, but in this case I don't think that's bad. The story for all it's urgency has a very languid feel to it as you read.

There are a few minor typo's I see, but I won't point them out unless you want me to. I'm not sure if you would want to go through resubmitting for them.

The sex is good, but it could have been dead bland and it really wouldn't have mattered. The build up was fantastic, foreplay in and of itself. Beautifully rendered and very exciting.

All I can say on this one is I can't wait for the next part.

-Colly

 

[RenzaJones]

Thanks CT you're a helluva an author yourself. Feel free to point out any errors or what have you. It's all appreciated. It's my first time out so I figured I'd make some mistakes and third person Omni present is a hard tense to grasp. I barely managed it. The second part is done and submitted though not yet posted so stay tuned.

 

[Rainbow Skin]

What Colleen said. Pretty damn delicious, very well laid out and coloured in, and highly erotic in a slow, teasing way. The dynamic between the women is thoroughly natural, and you explore the background of their emotions and how they're integrated in their lives: few people can do this really successfully.

Also her criticisms of difficulty following it, compounded by punctuation errors that seem to mismatch speeches. If you're going to give characters almost the same name and flip to and fro constantly between viewpoints you need to get the continuity really smooth and the discourse markers in place. And when you write Kylie was looking at her now and just before pulling her into a kiss she made one demand. (in part 2) you really need to assure yourself that the reader can get who each 'her' and 'she' refers to.

 

[RenzaJones]

I have question. prt two is done same range of pov would it be wierd to have part three done in first person, but still have the changing views? Or even to have it done in first person for part three and then later have it first person form the other characters pov?

 

[Colleen Thomas]

Changing POV mid story is usually a bad thing. Changing it from chapter to chapter would be if the work was being submitted as a whole, but in the case of lit you are submitting what would be chapters as stand alone stories.

You are new to prose and there are tons of things you will likely wish to experiment with to find your own "style". From chapter to chapter change whatever you want, experiment with all the elements of writing prose. Everyone has to work with the technical aspects until they find a place they are comfortable.

Your first submission shows you have talent and that is the one element you cannot learn, you either have it or you don't. You defintely have it, so experiemtnt whereever you wish, I don't think you will substantitively hurt your work or fan base by trying new things. if it comes out badly, you can always re write it in the pov you are more comfortable with.

-Colly

 

[Rainbow Skin]

Could be very confusing. You really need to re-read what you've done as a new reader and make sure the markers are all as clear as you want. Remember you have a much more vivid picture than your readers can get.

You don't have to make it obvious: if the effect you're after is their viewpoints mingling, and it being hard for the reader to tell who's thinking what, then fine, do that. It would be a good experiment, annoying to many people, but enjoyable to others if you did it right; and I think you could.

 

[MissMelissa]

I am not an author but I am an avid reader and I loved your stories. I can not wait for #3. Good job!!

 

[Spengler]

I will read the story when time allows, but the brief excerpt made me think of one of my personal pet peeves.

I think stories are usually stronger when gerund verb phrases are reined in. They can't ALL be ditched, but should be used sparingly. Example:

________________

She walked through the rooms. Down the hall. In and out.

She walked without purpose. High heels echoed on the newly polished wood floors of the empty house.

This was the last time she would walk through the rooms that had been her home for seven years. She was not really sad about the prospect -- although she thought perhaps she should be.

__________________

Note, too, that the right word is "prospect" rather than "aspect".


Actually, the sentence might be stronger if it became --

"She was not really sad about it --"

Or better yet -

"She was not really sad --"

I chopped the opening sentence into three sentences, two of which are not really sentences because they lack subject-verb-object form. I think we can take license to do this occasionally if it adds a feel to the scene and/or makes an easier read.

One subtle change: notice I eliminated the possessive pronoun "her" in the sentence about the high heels. Do this where the pronoun is not really necessary for the sake of clarity. It gets rid of some of the "shes" and "hers" that can clutter up a story.

 

[Pure]

Hi RJ

That's very creditable as a first story posted. Below I'm giving a male pov, for what it's worth.

There are many 'plusses.' You manage to surprise the reader--at least me--several times, like the wet thong presentation. Also you have a good grip on the plotting; I likes that Kylie was not very pleased and comfortable when she got home; took a shower, etc. That seems real. Kylie's eagerness and forwardness in the early parts are less believable.

The discovery of Karen's identity, the earlier purchase of her paintings, was carried off well. The 'art' and 'fine art' details are interesting; perhaps you're an artist or art major; you use the knowledge well.

There are also lots of details of dress that give the reader a good picture; the characters have some interest, esp. Karen. Kylie is, in the back story, somewhat routine, but I suppose that's intended.

You have talent, so take my suggestions as to areas to work on as being based on the assumption you can do the polishing and correction of details that's necessary (imo).

Punctuation, as has been mentioned. Apart from compulsive pickiness, the issue is often clarity.

As mentioned, sometimes the word choice is not quite right, as in 'foisted over a cliff.'

I will comment on a few passages:

Karen had a feeling Kylie was a bit different. First off# despite her designer suit and shoes# she hadn't seemed at all self absorbed or haughty,# secondly although she seemed to be interested in Karen# she also seemed strangely hesitant. The thought of seducing Kylie appealed to Karen# she was getting a bit bored with having woman practically falling in her lap. Until this moment# she hadn't realized that she wanted a challenge#, now that one had presented itself# she was more than happy to pursue it. So here she was at her favorite restaurant. She thought maybe she would establish a friendship with the woman and go from there.

Punctuation errors at places marked #.
The issue of the omniscient pov is how much to tell, so the the reader is kept involved. There is perhaps a bit too much wordiness in "now that one had... pursue it." Could be deleted. The last sentence is a bit odd, since 'friendship' is not what you said was on Karen's mind.

---

Karen giggled at the look on Kylie's face. She had gone to the car and masturbated. She got off very quickly. Her panties had been soaked with her juices when she'd gotten to the car. She really had left her purse in the car accidentally# and although she could have put her tab# she had wanted to come out for a little relief. Inside her car# she had spread her legs and stroked herself lightly through the fabric of he{typo} underwear. She was wearing stockings without garters# as these particular ones had elastic around the top.

Even the light stroking had her moaning like a two-dollar hooker. She had slipped her fingers under the waistband and rubbed her clit. In less than a minutes she was spent. Removing the panties she'd used them to clean herself up and slipped them in her purse before reentering the restaurant.

These sorts of passages sort of whack the reader with explicitness; it's not entirely consistent with some of the more 'romantic' aspects of the prose. Consider, also, word choice, "moaning like a two dollar hooker." Well, that would be fake, wouldn't it? Apart from that, why is the narrator talking like one of the guys at the local bar. Similarly "got off." I think though, you do convey some of the gritty hot sex you want to.

In short, give some consideration to the narrator's vocabulary; it can be 'street', or college educated, or barroom, fancy/ornate romantic, or pornish.

You need to vary the sentences so that 'she' is not so often the initial word.

Punctuation places marked.



----
Karen had only slept for a few brief moments before beginning her observation of Kylie. She Knew that she should have been more careful and eased the woman into sex, but she hadn’t been able to control her lust. That fact alone unsettled her, she was a very passionate woman but she prided herself in having her emotions and actions in check.

Some of the omniscient stuff seems too detailed, and very detached: "she hadn't been able to control her lust." That was pretty clear without saying it. Again, it's your judgment call, but the last sentence, I think says/tells too much or contain repetitious material" "she was a very passionate woman".

Get the details taken care of. The issue of how to tell the story, as you said, with this 'omniscient' view is the key one. You need to _not_ overextend that knowledge, or 'go on' regarding certain things the reader will have noticed. It's my leaning to be spare in prose, and certain of your sex passages have that quality. Imo some of the other 'descriptive' stuff is a little too much.

With your storytelling gifts, art knowledge, sex knowledge, understanding of emotions, etc., it would seem that you will do very well, esp. if you can bear to be edited. Remember even the best of authors cannot be her own editor.

Best,

J.

PS I think the alternate looking into each woman's mind can work, if things are clarified. It does require some reader effort. It would be good though, giving this amount of 'probing', to lessen the commenting-on or 'telling'.

 

[Pure]

Perhaps RJ is just busy and has been unable to acknowledge comments/feedback by interested readers. I doubt that she intends to be other than courteous.