My First Story....

[MrRodgersNeighbor]

Please check it out if you can and give me some feedback....

http://www.literotica.com/stories/s...ry.php?id=46947


as a side note, i wanted it posted in erotic couplings, but it's in bdsm instead. i wrote it with the intent of being an erotic story with bdsm overtones, so it's pretty light compared to most other stories in that catagory.

i hope you all enjoy it...

Later

 

[Star At Sunrise]

Broken Link

The link says "page not found." You may want to check it and maybe post another link.

 

[MrRodgersNeighbor]

the right link

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=46947

there it is.

thanks

 

[Star At Sunrise]

Good Job!

I liked it! It's a punk rock story, to be sure. Arousing, and of course a pretty unconventional location too. But that's the great part. I'm not religious, so it doesn't bother me at all, in fact, I kinda liked how off the wall the location was! But I bet you'll get some angry responses for the story, though. If you do, just tell them that if they're that offended, maybe they shouldn't be reading erotica in the first place!

The only feedback I would give you is to maybe break up your sentences a little. A few of them were very long, broken by a lot of commas. This is a pretty easy thing to fix by going over it in a second draft, so don't let thinking about sentences too much disturb you while you're writing. Just consider breaking the longer sentences into shorter ones.

Also, pay attention to spelling and such especially near the end of the story. Again, that's something that is easy to fix by just reading over it, and don't get hung up on it while you're writing the first draft. I believe a good piece of erotica should have its author aroused too, and it's much easier to hit the wrong keys when you're all worked up (as anyone who has had good cybersex knows!) So leave the proofreading until the creative phase has passed, but don't forget to give your last few paragraphs a good read through before submitting.

It's just me, but I also wouldn't use the same descriptive word too close together. One sentence had "cock" in it twice. I would maybe see if I could make the sentence into two shorter sentences, and maybe say "dick" the second time. That's just my preference though, and it certainly wasn't a major thing in your story. I thought you mixed the descriptive terms very evenly overall.

So I don't have much criticism! It was a fun story! Thanks for submitting it!

 

[ladyphoenix]

Well, this is the hard part of critique. One always finds something they don't like, and unfortunately this was a story I didn't like. Still, what I personally 'like' or 'dislike' is just my personal opinion.
Rather than tearing this up, I think I'll tell you what kinds of things make a story great as opposed to just what I think of as "jerk off material"....you can make your own inferences.
I was, in all honestly, initially put off by the fact that this takes place in church. To me, there are some things I just wouldn't mess with or mix into a story like this, and the church is one of them. Again, that's me, but I mention it because it set the mood for me right away.
Grammar and spelling are always crucial....yes, misspelling happens to all of us, but I see any mistake as a kind of knot in the thread of the story. Every knot makes me stop, or 'snags' me for a second, and distracts me. Takes away from the flow. You may wish to get a proof reader or editor. While you use long sentences (and I'm the LAST person to lecture about long sentences) you overuse commas. Try to work on the flow. Read the story aloud before you submit; that often tells where my problem spots are.
Also, watch verb tenses...another little knot. (ie, "...I grinded my bulge against her ass..." instead of "I ground my bulge against her ass").
While I know these stories are all fantasy, and some certainly push some boundaries of believability, any story not in the science fiction/non human, etc. categories needs to make me believe it to be engaging. I'm sorry, but these folks are doing sexual gymnastics in a confessional and not only did the priest initially not realize what was going on, it seemed outrageous to me that they could accomplish so much without a knocking the thing over. I just didn't believe it.
Finally, in consentual stories like this one (yes, he surprised her, but clearly she was with the program, so to speak) it hurts the story when I don't like one or the other of the characters, and this man was not likeable (smirking when she starting confessing). He came across as sly and devious in a negative way.
So, it wasn't my cup of tea, but keep working at it...writing takes work. You seem to really want to write, so go for it! *s*

 

[Axeltheswede]

a few observations

Let me preface by saying I have been there. I received some nasty feedback emails over the believability issue in some of my story posts.

You lost me when I just couldn't believe this couple could do all that in the confines of a confessional, with a priest on the other side of the screen. My lack of belief prevented any enjoyment of the story.

It seems like it could have been more effective if the couple had played out the scene at home. Your gymnastic sex would have made sense too.

For a first effort, it was pretty good. You can't expect to hit a home run the first time at bat. Take your time with the next one. Work on the spelling and grammar. And ask yourself if your scenario rings true.

I hope this helps.