My First Story

[Cadere]

Aie, yes! It is up! My very first erotica. It's only been noticed by a few people, enough to have been commented on thrice, but I'd like more feedback.

It's a Gay Male story in which I tried to factor in a few fetishes to appease the readers out there. Eh, let me find the link:

http://www.literotica.com/s/south-street-nine

Those interested in reading, what are thoughts on this piece? What would you like to see next out of it, if anything at all?

These characters are fictional by the way. I don't want people to confuse me with the antihero, here, although I am sure you can find a bit of the main character in all of us.

 

[Cadere]

Just, eh, "bumping" this up.

 

[sr71plt]

I thought it was interesting and well written.

Some suggestions:

1. The first several paragraphs (and the lead paragraphs of the next section) seemed to be trying too hard for literary "atmospherics." More wordy and "dense" then the sections should be to get a reader into the story. Once in the story, it clipped along nicely, I thought.

2. Some of the phrases/images didn't work for me and made me stop and ponder (which you don't really want the reader of a story like this to do). Again, it seems a case of trying too hard. for example:

Although a typical mistake, "quality" is a neutral word. A "quality cotton robe" doesn't really catagorize the robe (other than being cotton). It should be "high" quality or "low" quality (or, I guess "medium" quality. *smile*).

"Lustrous shoes" can (and did with me) raise the wrong image (those sneaker teddy-boppers that light up as you step down in them). The image has no meaning to the story that I can see, so it's a less-than-working one. If it was a signal that he was well dressed, it didn't do enough. If not, it did too much.

I don't see a bartender in a gay bar where you've had to say you were gay to get in make a lame joke about being "fruity." Everyone in there should know what they are and to be concentrating on something less silly. And the bartender should either exhibit over-the-top and available/cruising or be absolutely blank and "seen it all/not moved by it" (the latter preferrable for realism).

I don't think there's any such thing as Arabian men. Saudi Arabian men or Arab men, but in many years of living in/near the Middle East, I never heard anyone referred to as an Arabian man (an Arabian is a horse, though--which, I suppose would be nice in a man, if you're gay).

I've never heard of a bar as having "bedrooms." They've always been referred to something else: rooms, hook-up rooms, cubicles, cubes, stalls, etc. But I found "bedrooms" disconcerting and maybe signaling never having been in a gay club--or at least having only been in ones that didn't fully understand the lifestyle and were trying too hard.

Just a few things there, but the main point is that none of them really had any necessary function in the story--no reason to be straining for sophistication--and thus were moles on otherwise "lustrous" skin.

3. This sentence threw me: "Once again, his studly boy-toy wasn't going to show off for the camera." As far as I could see the cyberbuddy had just been showing off his goods to the camera, and I took him as the antecedent. Maybe the antecedent of "his boy-toy" wasn't clear enough.

But an interesting story. Obviously some thought went into plot, characterization, emotions, and atmospherics. More than most GM writers here bother with. And the writing is literate. (High score here for that alone.)

 

[Cadere]

Ah! Well, certainly a detailed one. Thank you for your straightforwardness, criticism is always appreciated.

Addressing your points:

1. You think so? I've always been one to type away for a good sense of setting and mood. I believe the first paragraph ought to set a mood, and that I ought to immerse my reader into the setting to some elevated degree. The fact that it came off as "wordy" gives me something to consider, as I'm striving to be the author that pays attention to the senses, which I believe so many people neglect. At the same time, I don't want to come off as tedious.

2a. Oh. Usually, when people think of the word "quality," one thinks it to be of "high quality," otherwise, why state the quality of something common? If a product is common, would it not be mediocre? I just think the mere mention of the word "quality" to describe something denotes a level of excellence. If it happens to be of low quality, it would be noted. At least, that was my reasoning. But I see it now as neutral, as you've pointed out.

b. Eheh! I suppose that particular one is a "one way or another" case. I didn't plan on it to signal much of anything other than they were nice shoes that gleamed when the light of the lamps hit them. But upon review, it didn't serve any other purpose than to "set an image."

c. AH! Have you caught me on redundancy? But why not have a little light-hearted humour, eh? If she knows she's blonde and he knows he's blonde, can they not make a blonde joke and laugh at themselves? Pointless corniness can lighten up even the most tense of persons, as was its only purpose.

d. Well, yes. I am not denying those are correct, but there is even a magazine titled Arabian Man, sold in the Middle East! It's a true phrase. If "Arabian" can be used to describe all other things relating to that region, why not apply to the people who live there?

e. When I imagined the building, I envisioned it as... Like a two-story business establishment, where the lobby was down below and offices were up top. But this originally-for-business building was bought up by the club, whose owners decided to have what was the lobby become the actual club, and the upstairs converted into a hotel-like lobby, where the offices became bedr––you get it? If my description is poor, There is a picture that nearly sums up what I expected it to look like. The situation wasn't explained in the story because I was saving the explanation in a later chapter.
But here it is, eheh!

3. Well! I never thought of it that way.

Thank you, kindly. I try not to sound "overly-sophisticated" or however when I write. I suppose to many it appears that way? But to many more, it simply comes off as "literate." Your insight has left me to ponder some things, as it should!