I have made my first submission here, and am a little nervous as I've never let anyone see my erotica before. The story is called "Displeasing Him", inthe BDSM category. I'm not in the lifestyle so this is based totally on fantasy. I would like to hear some feedback if possible... I'm very open to critique. Thanks so much!
My First Story
- Thread starter Ms Write
- Start date
Debbie
Persnickety slattern
- Joined
- Feb 4, 2001
- Posts
- 24,213
Here is the link to your story.
http://literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=42100
I read your story and thought it was good. An interesting plot and
scenario that was well played out. But for me it lacked detail. I wanted to know more about the characters involved, even just a snippet of what she looked like. But, that's just me. I am a very visual person.
I did feel that the i instead of I got to me after awhile.
"i fixed dinner and couldn't eat. i watched tv and couldn't concentrate. i tried to read, but the words made no sense. Finally, giving up, i drew a bath. Once in the hot, steaming water, i felt my body relax, but my mind could not. i tried touching myself as i thought He might, crushing my nipples, squeezing my clit... but to no avail. i could not become aroused. "
It would flow better if you tried something like this,
"I fixed dinner but I could not eat. I watched tv, seeing the flickering images but not concentrating, my thoughts were of Him.
I tried to read, but the words made no sense. Finally, giving up, I drew a bath. Once in the hot, steaming water, I felt my body relax, but my mind would not.
I tried touching myself as He would do, if He was here; sharply pinching my nipples, roughly squeezing my clit... but to no avail, I could not become aroused. "
And another example,
"He smiled down at me again. Pinching one nipple, He moved away. "I'll be back in a little bit, pet... Think of how you displeased Me... Think of these consequences..." And He was gone."
Would read better if perhaps you tried it this way.
"He smiled down at me again. Pinching one nipple, He moved away.
"I'll be back in a little bit, pet... Think of how you displeased Me... Think of these consequences..."
And He was gone. "
Separating the speech from the rest makes it easier to follow.
These consequences? The consequences maybe?
These simple things have helped my writing improve a lot!
I hope I was helpful.
Looking forward to reading more and that you will join in
on giving others feedback or recommending a good story
you have read.
Debbie
http://literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=42100
I read your story and thought it was good. An interesting plot and
scenario that was well played out. But for me it lacked detail. I wanted to know more about the characters involved, even just a snippet of what she looked like. But, that's just me. I am a very visual person.
I did feel that the i instead of I got to me after awhile.
"i fixed dinner and couldn't eat. i watched tv and couldn't concentrate. i tried to read, but the words made no sense. Finally, giving up, i drew a bath. Once in the hot, steaming water, i felt my body relax, but my mind could not. i tried touching myself as i thought He might, crushing my nipples, squeezing my clit... but to no avail. i could not become aroused. "
It would flow better if you tried something like this,
"I fixed dinner but I could not eat. I watched tv, seeing the flickering images but not concentrating, my thoughts were of Him.
I tried to read, but the words made no sense. Finally, giving up, I drew a bath. Once in the hot, steaming water, I felt my body relax, but my mind would not.
I tried touching myself as He would do, if He was here; sharply pinching my nipples, roughly squeezing my clit... but to no avail, I could not become aroused. "
And another example,
"He smiled down at me again. Pinching one nipple, He moved away. "I'll be back in a little bit, pet... Think of how you displeased Me... Think of these consequences..." And He was gone."
Would read better if perhaps you tried it this way.
"He smiled down at me again. Pinching one nipple, He moved away.
"I'll be back in a little bit, pet... Think of how you displeased Me... Think of these consequences..."
And He was gone. "
Separating the speech from the rest makes it easier to follow.
These consequences? The consequences maybe?
These simple things have helped my writing improve a lot!
I hope I was helpful.
Looking forward to reading more and that you will join in
on giving others feedback or recommending a good story
you have read.
Debbie
solid_
Erotic Dreamer
- Joined
- Dec 30, 2001
- Posts
- 1,250
Liked your story a lot even thou im not in to the BDSM thing. You described the action very well drawing the images in my mind as i read which is a good sign your on the right track with your writing. Kepp it up it's a great first story submission
G
Guest
Guest
liked it can u write 1 with britney spears
ur story was great can u write 1 with a guy do things to britney spears? thanks!
ur story was great can u write 1 with a guy do things to britney spears? thanks!
Fairytat
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 15, 2002
- Posts
- 233
Dear Mswrite,
I read your story and must admit that the "i" thing bugged me too. I assume you used the lowercase form to show your submission to a higher power --- hence why "He" was always capitalized. Also, I noticed you had several instances where the periods were ".." so I wasn't sure if you were ending the sentence or using elipses.
Here are a some suggestions to make the writing tighter:
A sound startled me and i realized i had fallen asleep. The room was dark and(,) in a panic, i looked at my watch. 7:15. M'Lord should already have arrived(,) and i was not prepared.
Once in the hot(,) steaming water, i felt my body relax, but my mind could not.
He did not return my e-mail messages(,) nor my voice mail messages.
At 6:55, i turned out all the other lights and knelt(,) naked on the satin pillow in front of the chair.
You put in unnecessary commas here.
He did not return my e-mail (messages)or (my) voice mail messages
You can combine the sentence so it reads: "He did not return my e-mail or voice mail messages." Also, "nor" is often used with "neither" --- "He returned neither my email nor my voice mail messages." Up to you which way you would like to go.
The wonderful pain that swept me to the edge of ecstasy and over it... i wanted Him.(.)
You don't need the extra period since you are ending the sentence.
My heart leapt with excitement for a moment until i realized (He would be displeased with me)and that i would face His wrath.
Since you have already established that He was displeased you don't need to reiterate that point.
But that was better than not hearing from Him, not seeing Him at all.
This is something I myself am very guilty of -- never start a sentence with "but." Use "However" or "On the other hand."
Upon arriving home, i quickly ran to the bathroom and started the water ^running.
Should read: "Upon arriving home, i quickly ran to the bathroom and started running the water."
When i entered the bedroom, i saw that the over-stuffed chair stood in the center of the room (and) 'my' satin pillow (lay) in front of it.
Too wordy --- "When i entered the bedroom, i saw that the over-stuffed chair stood in the center of the room with "my" satin pillow in front of it."
A black satin blindfold lay on the seat of the chair(.) i knew what this meant.
Try it this way: "A black satin blindfold lay on the seat of the chair and i knew what that meant."
(In) a few moments, i heard Him enter the house and walk toward the bedroom.
"A few moments later, i heard Him enter the house and walk toward the bedroom."
(i heard his footsteps as He walked toward me,) knowing He could see my glistening pussy lips beneath my exposed ass.
Since you heard him walking toward the bedroom the sentence before, you don't need to repeat you heard his footsteps. The reader is already aware of this.
He walked (behind the chair) and i felt the soft leather strips encircle my wrists, binding them to (the back legs of the chair).
Since you mentioned a few paragraphs ago that you were stretched out holding the chair legs you don't need to mention the back legs again --- "He walked around me and i felt the soft leather strips encircle my wrists, binding them to the chair legs I held."
He walked back to stand behind me(. He) stood there for what seemed like forever
Don't get caught in the trap of using the same word over and over again within a few sentences. We know he walks because everyone walks --- "He returned to his position behind me and stood there for what seemed like forever."
i gasped, (knowing now what was to be).
This language doesn't fit in with the rest of your story: "i gasped, now knowing what would happen."
The hiss of the leather strands (through the air had registered in my ears) as they hit my ass and i jerked forward from the burn.
Too wordy: "i heard the hiss of leather as the strands hit my ass and i instinctively jerked forward from the burning sensation."
And then it stopped. (m)y nipples were stiffened and bulging and i found myself praying He would use this opportunity to fuck my ass for the first time.
"And then it stopped" should be it's own paragraph. "My" needs to be capitalized since it's the beginning of a sentence.
Then i felt His fingers (as they pulled) apart my burning ass cheeks and thrilled to (think i would feel Him in me there).
"Then i felt His fingers separate my burning ass cheeks and I thought I would finally feel him there."
Disappointment washed over me as i felt the (littlest) vibrator enter my ass.
Try "smallest" rather then "littlest." --- "Disappointment washed over me as i felt the smallest vibrator enter my ass instead."
(I) wanted HIM there(.) He turned it on and (His hands) left me again.
You capitalized an "i" here --- "i wanted HIM there not THAT but He merely turned it on and left me again."
(I) heard him undress (behind me.) Then (i heard) him walk behind the chair once more
"i heard him undress and then step behind the chair once more."
i was confused when i felt him release my hands, but He walked behind me and bound them together.
This sentence confused me. Were you saying that he bound your hands behind your back? Or he reached around you to bind your hands together in the front? If he bound them behind your back it should read --- "i was confused when i felt him untie my hands from the chair legs but then he twisted my arms behind my back and bound them together." Or something to that effect.
He (can) around in front of me and sat in the chair.
I assume you mean "came."
i wanted nothing more than to taste His (m)anhood, to suck it into my mouth and feel it grow.
Since you have capitalized "Cock" and "manhood" is a synonym, it too should be capitalized. On the other hand you really don't need that part in there. "i wanted nothing more then to taste it, to suck it into my mouth and feel it grow even more." The "it" implies "His Cock" so it's redundant to name it again in the very next sentence. I added "even more" because you mentioned it was hard and swollen --- the reader would infer that it has already "grown" but your mouth would make it even longer.
(But) He leaned back from me.
The "but" clause again.
He spread His legs wide so i could see everything... His Balls, His Cock, His Anus.
Having so many nouns capitalized that aren't ordinarily really bugged my eyes. I cut down this sentence to --- "He spread His legs wide so I could see His Cock, Balls, and Anus." (I put cock before balls since that's anatomically correct.)
His hand began to stroke His Cock, the other cupping His Balls. He moved slowly at first, looking into my eyes, sliding His (h)and up and down the turgid length (of His Penis). It grew harder still and He continued to stroke it as He reached out and pinched one of my nipples. i groaned and swayed as the sharp pain surged to my clit, making it jump. And then His hand was gone and cupping His Balls again
"I enviously watched as one hand began stroking His Cock while the other cupped His Balls. He started slowly at first, sliding His Hand up and down the turgid length. I saw it become impossibly harder and groaned when he stopped caressing His Balls to pinch my nipple. The sharp pain surged to my aching clit and I nearly weeped with frustration when he stopped." Also, you need to watch your capitalization --- sometimes you randomly use uppercase for "Hand" then later in the story it's lower case again.
The droplet grew also, becoming a trickle that i would have given anything to lap up.(..) i saw His Balls draw up tighter and tighter, His Hips moved as He threw His (h)ead back and closed His (e)yes.
There is no need for three periods as the sentence preceeding it is a complete thought. If you are going to use capitalization for certain body parts, you must use it for all.
(Then,) suddenly, He growled and (the) white(,) hot liquid pumped from the tip of His Cock.
"Suddenly He growled and hot white liquid pumped from the tip of His Cock."
His hips thrust as i knew they must when He was inside me.
This sentence needs to be in the paragraph above it because it doesn't fit in with the descriptions of him coming.
He smiled(. Rising) from the chair, He (walked behind me). i felt the hand covered in his cum (wiped) it on my ass.
"He smiled then rose from the chair. He came over to me and used my ass as a towel to wipe the cum from His Fingers."
(I) felt Him push the vibrator more firmly into my ass. Then His hand (grasped) a fistful of hair and pulled me up to my knees.
"i felt Him push the vibrator more firmly inside me then grab my hair, pulling me to my knees."
He walked in front of me and stood... that beautiful Cock inches from my mouth.
"i looked up and His beautiful Cock dangled inches from my mouth."
Reaching down, He grasped my aching nipples with the thumb and forefinger of each hand and (pulled) me by them to stand(ing. Pulling me still,) he led me to the bed.
"He reached down and grasped my aching nipples with his Thumb and Forefinger. Yanking upwards on them, He forced me to stand then led me to the bed."
He lowered me (on to) the bed, (sitting on) the edge(.) I gasped as the vibrator (in my ass) pushed deeper (still).Then, (laying me back,) he raised my hands above my head and attached them to a hook on the headboard. He came to the bottom of the bed and tied (first one and then the other) ankle to the (legs of the) bed, spreading me.
"He lowered me to the edge of the bed and I gasped as the vibrator was pushed even deeper. He smiled faintly then forced me to lie back. He raised my hands above my head and attached them to the hook on the headboard. He then came to the base of the bed and tied both ankles to the bed posts, spreading me."
"(p)et(...)," he began, "ou displeased Me last night."
"Pet," he began, "You displeased Me last night."
He whispered, lightly stroked my sides, the undersides of my breasts avoiding my nipples.
"He whispered, lightly stroking my breasts but carefully avoiding the nipples."
He continued, "I will touch you as I want, lick you, suck you. But you must not cum, pet. You must wait until (i) say you may."
Since he is talking about himself you can use "I" instead of "i."
"I've beaten you. I've cum without you. Now, my pet," (He said tenderly), "you must be aching (to cum.. )for relief, yes?"
"I've beaten you. I've cum without you. Now, my pet, you must be aching for relief, yes?" --- You don't have to change it this way, but the "he said tenderly" in the middle of the dialogue was distracting. Also, we know it's the master talking so you don't necessarily need to tag it as his line.
"Good. Now, i will leave you here for (a )while to contemplate this. But first..."
This should be separate dialogue. "Awhile" is the accepted spelling.
He ripped His (f)ingers from me and gave a final push on the the vibrator (in my ass.) Then withdrew.
"He ripped His Fingers from me and gave a final push on the vibrator then withdrew."
I screamed in frustration, the need for release (so huge,) so unbearable.
"I screamed in frustration as the need for release was so incredibly unbearable."
I read your story and must admit that the "i" thing bugged me too. I assume you used the lowercase form to show your submission to a higher power --- hence why "He" was always capitalized. Also, I noticed you had several instances where the periods were ".." so I wasn't sure if you were ending the sentence or using elipses.
Here are a some suggestions to make the writing tighter:
A sound startled me and i realized i had fallen asleep. The room was dark and(,) in a panic, i looked at my watch. 7:15. M'Lord should already have arrived(,) and i was not prepared.
Once in the hot(,) steaming water, i felt my body relax, but my mind could not.
He did not return my e-mail messages(,) nor my voice mail messages.
At 6:55, i turned out all the other lights and knelt(,) naked on the satin pillow in front of the chair.
You put in unnecessary commas here.
He did not return my e-mail (messages)
or (my) voice mail messages You can combine the sentence so it reads: "He did not return my e-mail or voice mail messages." Also, "nor" is often used with "neither" --- "He returned neither my email nor my voice mail messages." Up to you which way you would like to go.
The wonderful pain that swept me to the edge of ecstasy and over it... i wanted Him.(.)
You don't need the extra period since you are ending the sentence.
My heart leapt with excitement for a moment until i realized (He would be displeased with me)and that i would face His wrath.
Since you have already established that He was displeased you don't need to reiterate that point.
But that was better than not hearing from Him, not seeing Him at all.
This is something I myself am very guilty of -- never start a sentence with "but." Use "However" or "On the other hand."
Upon arriving home, i quickly ran to the bathroom and started the water ^running.
Should read: "Upon arriving home, i quickly ran to the bathroom and started running the water."
When i entered the bedroom, i saw that the over-stuffed chair stood in the center of the room (and) 'my' satin pillow (lay) in front of it.
Too wordy --- "When i entered the bedroom, i saw that the over-stuffed chair stood in the center of the room with "my" satin pillow in front of it."
A black satin blindfold lay on the seat of the chair(.) i knew what this meant.
Try it this way: "A black satin blindfold lay on the seat of the chair and i knew what that meant."
(In) a few moments, i heard Him enter the house and walk toward the bedroom.
"A few moments later, i heard Him enter the house and walk toward the bedroom."
(i heard his footsteps as He walked toward me,) knowing He could see my glistening pussy lips beneath my exposed ass.
Since you heard him walking toward the bedroom the sentence before, you don't need to repeat you heard his footsteps. The reader is already aware of this.
He walked (behind the chair) and i felt the soft leather strips encircle my wrists, binding them to (the back legs of the chair).
Since you mentioned a few paragraphs ago that you were stretched out holding the chair legs you don't need to mention the back legs again --- "He walked around me and i felt the soft leather strips encircle my wrists, binding them to the chair legs I held."
He walked back to stand behind me(. He) stood there for what seemed like forever
Don't get caught in the trap of using the same word over and over again within a few sentences. We know he walks because everyone walks --- "He returned to his position behind me and stood there for what seemed like forever."
i gasped, (knowing now what was to be).
This language doesn't fit in with the rest of your story: "i gasped, now knowing what would happen."
The hiss of the leather strands (through the air had registered in my ears) as they hit my ass and i jerked forward from the burn.
Too wordy: "i heard the hiss of leather as the strands hit my ass and i instinctively jerked forward from the burning sensation."
And then it stopped. (m)y nipples were stiffened and bulging and i found myself praying He would use this opportunity to fuck my ass for the first time.
"And then it stopped" should be it's own paragraph. "My" needs to be capitalized since it's the beginning of a sentence.
Then i felt His fingers (as they pulled) apart my burning ass cheeks and thrilled to (think i would feel Him in me there).
"Then i felt His fingers separate my burning ass cheeks and I thought I would finally feel him there."
Disappointment washed over me as i felt the (littlest) vibrator enter my ass.
Try "smallest" rather then "littlest." --- "Disappointment washed over me as i felt the smallest vibrator enter my ass instead."
(I) wanted HIM there(.) He turned it on and (His hands) left me again.
You capitalized an "i" here --- "i wanted HIM there not THAT but He merely turned it on and left me again."
(I) heard him undress (behind me.) Then (i heard) him walk behind the chair once more
"i heard him undress and then step behind the chair once more."
i was confused when i felt him release my hands, but He walked behind me and bound them together.
This sentence confused me. Were you saying that he bound your hands behind your back? Or he reached around you to bind your hands together in the front? If he bound them behind your back it should read --- "i was confused when i felt him untie my hands from the chair legs but then he twisted my arms behind my back and bound them together." Or something to that effect.
He (can) around in front of me and sat in the chair.
I assume you mean "came."
i wanted nothing more than to taste His (m)anhood, to suck it into my mouth and feel it grow.
Since you have capitalized "Cock" and "manhood" is a synonym, it too should be capitalized. On the other hand you really don't need that part in there. "i wanted nothing more then to taste it, to suck it into my mouth and feel it grow even more." The "it" implies "His Cock" so it's redundant to name it again in the very next sentence. I added "even more" because you mentioned it was hard and swollen --- the reader would infer that it has already "grown" but your mouth would make it even longer.
(But) He leaned back from me.
The "but" clause again.
He spread His legs wide so i could see everything... His Balls, His Cock, His Anus.
Having so many nouns capitalized that aren't ordinarily really bugged my eyes. I cut down this sentence to --- "He spread His legs wide so I could see His Cock, Balls, and Anus." (I put cock before balls since that's anatomically correct.)
His hand began to stroke His Cock, the other cupping His Balls. He moved slowly at first, looking into my eyes, sliding His (h)and up and down the turgid length (of His Penis). It grew harder still and He continued to stroke it as He reached out and pinched one of my nipples. i groaned and swayed as the sharp pain surged to my clit, making it jump. And then His hand was gone and cupping His Balls again
"I enviously watched as one hand began stroking His Cock while the other cupped His Balls. He started slowly at first, sliding His Hand up and down the turgid length. I saw it become impossibly harder and groaned when he stopped caressing His Balls to pinch my nipple. The sharp pain surged to my aching clit and I nearly weeped with frustration when he stopped." Also, you need to watch your capitalization --- sometimes you randomly use uppercase for "Hand" then later in the story it's lower case again.
The droplet grew also, becoming a trickle that i would have given anything to lap up.(..) i saw His Balls draw up tighter and tighter, His Hips moved as He threw His (h)ead back and closed His (e)yes.
There is no need for three periods as the sentence preceeding it is a complete thought. If you are going to use capitalization for certain body parts, you must use it for all.
(Then,) suddenly, He growled and (the) white(,) hot liquid pumped from the tip of His Cock.
"Suddenly He growled and hot white liquid pumped from the tip of His Cock."
His hips thrust as i knew they must when He was inside me.
This sentence needs to be in the paragraph above it because it doesn't fit in with the descriptions of him coming.
He smiled(. Rising) from the chair, He (walked behind me). i felt the hand covered in his cum (wiped) it on my ass.
"He smiled then rose from the chair. He came over to me and used my ass as a towel to wipe the cum from His Fingers."
(I) felt Him push the vibrator more firmly into my ass. Then His hand (grasped) a fistful of hair and pulled me up to my knees.
"i felt Him push the vibrator more firmly inside me then grab my hair, pulling me to my knees."
He walked in front of me and stood... that beautiful Cock inches from my mouth.
"i looked up and His beautiful Cock dangled inches from my mouth."
Reaching down, He grasped my aching nipples with the thumb and forefinger of each hand and (pulled) me by them to stand(ing. Pulling me still,) he led me to the bed.
"He reached down and grasped my aching nipples with his Thumb and Forefinger. Yanking upwards on them, He forced me to stand then led me to the bed."
He lowered me (on to) the bed, (sitting on) the edge(.) I gasped as the vibrator (in my ass) pushed deeper (still).Then, (laying me back,) he raised my hands above my head and attached them to a hook on the headboard. He came to the bottom of the bed and tied (first one and then the other) ankle to the (legs of the) bed, spreading me.
"He lowered me to the edge of the bed and I gasped as the vibrator was pushed even deeper. He smiled faintly then forced me to lie back. He raised my hands above my head and attached them to the hook on the headboard. He then came to the base of the bed and tied both ankles to the bed posts, spreading me."
"(p)et(...)," he began, "
ou displeased Me last night." "Pet," he began, "You displeased Me last night."
He whispered, lightly stroked my sides, the undersides of my breasts avoiding my nipples.
"He whispered, lightly stroking my breasts but carefully avoiding the nipples."
He continued, "I will touch you as I want, lick you, suck you. But you must not cum, pet. You must wait until (i) say you may."
Since he is talking about himself you can use "I" instead of "i."
"I've beaten you. I've cum without you. Now, my pet," (He said tenderly), "you must be aching (to cum.. )for relief, yes?"
"I've beaten you. I've cum without you. Now, my pet, you must be aching for relief, yes?" --- You don't have to change it this way, but the "he said tenderly" in the middle of the dialogue was distracting. Also, we know it's the master talking so you don't necessarily need to tag it as his line.
"Good. Now, i will leave you here for (a )while to contemplate this. But first..."
This should be separate dialogue. "Awhile" is the accepted spelling.
He ripped His (f)ingers from me and gave a final push on the the vibrator (in my ass.) Then withdrew.
"He ripped His Fingers from me and gave a final push on the vibrator then withdrew."
I screamed in frustration, the need for release (so huge,) so unbearable.
"I screamed in frustration as the need for release was so incredibly unbearable."
Last edited:
The good:
Neat story premice. Especially the way it's presented. The whole 'displeased master' thing really works well, and you used that to set up a wickedly arousing scenario. I liked a lot.
The bad:
The pacing seemed a little off. I was jumping from one scene to the next really fast. One moment we were in the office, the next at home. There was little transition between scenes. It smoothed out toward the end when there was not so much physical or temporal transition, but at the beginning, everything seemed disjointed.
The ugly:
Carrot Top
Overall, solid story with a neat premice. I'm interested to read more.
-I
Neat story premice. Especially the way it's presented. The whole 'displeased master' thing really works well, and you used that to set up a wickedly arousing scenario. I liked a lot.
The bad:
The pacing seemed a little off. I was jumping from one scene to the next really fast. One moment we were in the office, the next at home. There was little transition between scenes. It smoothed out toward the end when there was not so much physical or temporal transition, but at the beginning, everything seemed disjointed.
The ugly:
Carrot Top
Overall, solid story with a neat premice. I'm interested to read more.
-I
MysteryWriter
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Dec 3, 2001
- Posts
- 422
no critic here
I didn't read your story and I am no critic anyway. I am writing just to say I love your name. Good luck
I didn't read your story and I am no critic anyway. I am writing just to say I love your name. Good luck
