My first story

[Eros_1337]

Hi, I'm a virgin writer, and this is my first time writing an erotic story that I've submitted. It's a sci-fi, three friends visit an alien strip club, and well, you'll have to read the story.

Also, I intend on making this a series if people are interested.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=377110

 

[Anna_Malia75]

You appear to be a decent writer as far as this goes. You violated a couple of basic rules - having two characters speak in the same paragraph, changing tenses - but your major problem is you need to slow down a little bit. You seem to be rushing to get to the sex. Work on the buildup a little more, let us get to know Joss and his friends. Why is Joss so inexperienced compared to his friends? Give us some character development. And if it's a sci-fi, give us some of the sci. They traveled to Lexaughtor. How? Is space travel that common in their era? Are they from Earth/

This is more of a scene than a story, because there's no tension in it. You need to give us a reason to read further if you're planning on continuing it. I think a little more dialogue would help - it would break up your longish paragraphs and humanize the characters a little.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

It's a nice little stroke story with an alien feel, but the characters need to be developed a little more. They're a bit too much like cardboard at the moment, which is bad if you want to continue this as a series.

The writing is mostly good (I think there's a "lied" that should be a "lay", or something similar. I get them mixed up all the time ). My biggest problem is that the story blows out really quickly after the first sex and reads very much like the writer got bored and wanted to rush to the end.

I think you missed an opportunity here. We don't really get to see how special the lexaught are other than the tendrils for hair. We're told that she's able to make him come five times in the hour, but you don't show us how. You could definitely have a lot of fun here in describing the full hour in greater detail

 

[Eros_1337]

Thank you for your comments, I will try to improve on the faults in the later stories/chapters. The reason it got kind of rush was because in Microsoft Word, it was already four pages long at 12 font. I figured it'd be four pages here (but apparently not, oh well), and I didn't want to make story too long. I wanted to squeeze it into just four pages at most, but apparently I went too far in the other way.

I'll try to show how special the lexaughts are next time.

 

[Eros_1337]

Did I acheive my main goal in making you horny though?

 

[Anna_Malia75]

Did I acheive my main goal in making you horny though?

Me? No. Ask the guys.

 

[CWatson]

Only four pages long? The first story I published here on Lit was something on the order of 15 pages. But then I have trouble writing anything shorter than about 10.

In general, when you're doing page counts, you should ignore the sex decriptions. They're all interchangeable to a large degree (unless, of course, the character is having sex with an alien with different physiology--anyone remember the Centauri from Babylon 5?), so they basically don't count because you read one, you've read 'em all. That leaves you at two pages. But maybe that's not a big deal.

What was your goal in writing this story? The answer to that question will help you determine what to rewrite or improve. Do you want to set up a series, an ongoing story about our boy Joss and his further carnal exploits amongst the stars? Were you trying to explore these Lexaught and the differences their physiology and culture create in the sexual act? Or were you just trying to encourage us to get our rocks off?

If you're trying to launch a longer tale, then you should spend more time setting up Joss as a character--why he was a virgin, where he plans to go now that he's multi-orgasmic, who he plans to do along the way / when he gets there.

If you want this to be a biology study, then you need to spend more time on the Lexaught physiology, and possibly their culture, since that will have been influenced by their physiology. I mean, they have tentacles--at the very least, that makes tentacle porn easier. Not to mention tentacle sex (alongside the oral sex and handjobs and etc).

If you want this to be a stroke story, then your fractions are off again. Right now you've got two pages set-up, two pages sex; the sex should be at least twice as long and a lot more descriptive. You have a lot of action described, which is good for a start, but very little sensation--touch, taste, smell, sound. The higher the vividness, the higher the eroticism.

But the secret is that your fractions are still accurate. Right now it's half set-up, half sex. Both of these should be twice as long. Pornography videos rely on the fact that men are very easy to stimulate visually; to a certain extent, as long as you get the guy banging the girl, it works. But since we're writers and not videographers, we don't have that advantage to fall back on (no matter how stimulating the Lexaught might be--and I have a hunch that they would be something to see in action). For this story to be meaningful, The Reader has to care about Joss--to understand him, to walk in his shoes, to sympathize when he complains that Everyone Else Has Had More Sex Than Me (a sentiment I share, by the way). Even if your objective is just to provide something for readers to jerk off to, you need to have the character work down. A story about two bodies slamming together is boring.

...Boy, this got going. Anyone want to edit my lecture? Anyhow, hope this helps you out some.