Its called Revenge by Objectification. Please bring on the opinions and feedback. Thanks
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=367688
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=367688
Last edited:
My first story.
- Thread starter petrifry
- Start date
The_Fractal_King
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 29, 2007
- Posts
- 441
We're a lazy buncha people. Unless a link shows up no one is going to spend the time to find your story. Not a judgement call just a fact of life.
G
Guest
Guest
We need a link, please.
I checked New Stories, not there. Using the Search feature (which won't work if it's a brand new story, but I tried) I checked under your name and under Objectification - nothing there.
Edited to add - Found it.
Second page of new stories.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=367688
Now it has a link
Sorry about that. Its all set now
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=367688
Sorry about that. Its all set now
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=367688
Last edited:
The_Fractal_King
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 29, 2007
- Posts
- 441
You're posting on Literotica so you don't need to warn people about sex or nudity.
Don't give us height and weight data unless you're writing up a GURPS character sheet for your characters (which I've done but then left the height and weight off anyway).
Never use numberals or parenthesis. Write out numbers and use "--" instead.
Overall it wasn't bad, though. But then again it didn't seem to have much horror or particular eroticism in it. SciFi might have been a better choice and would get you more votes. Spending more time on descrbing the way he was teased would have ramped up the erotic angle.
Your grammar and spelling seem to be quite good though. I love the concept it just needs to be developed a little bit more.
Don't give us height and weight data unless you're writing up a GURPS character sheet for your characters (which I've done but then left the height and weight off anyway).
Never use numberals or parenthesis. Write out numbers and use "--" instead.
Overall it wasn't bad, though. But then again it didn't seem to have much horror or particular eroticism in it. SciFi might have been a better choice and would get you more votes. Spending more time on descrbing the way he was teased would have ramped up the erotic angle.
Your grammar and spelling seem to be quite good though. I love the concept it just needs to be developed a little bit more.
manyeyedhydra
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Oct 8, 2007
- Posts
- 1,014
Horror is a fine enough bucket. Magic in an everyday setting falls into that category fairly often and this is a classic 'cosmic justice'-type plot.
I thought it was a little flat. It had a nice idea - 'guy who treats women as objects ends up as an object', but needed some more meat on the bones. It felt like everything was too driven towards trotting out the moral premise.
You could have possibly jacked up the horror element. Being turned to stone forever is a fate that should have produced a lot more terror from your protagonist.
It also felt a little disproportionate. The guy's a louse, but hardly a serial killer or other nasty. Not a major problem in itself, but if you're going to have something nasty happen to someone in a story it should provoke a reaction. The reader should feel either satisfaction at someone getting their just deserts, or pity for a horrid fate visited on someone who didn't deserve it. I didn't really care enough about this guy. The characters felt a little too much like tools to push the central idea across rather than living breathing people.
I hope I haven't been too discouraging. I make the same mistakes with my own plots. I'm hoping one day I'll shake off the bad habits
I thought it was a little flat. It had a nice idea - 'guy who treats women as objects ends up as an object', but needed some more meat on the bones. It felt like everything was too driven towards trotting out the moral premise.
You could have possibly jacked up the horror element. Being turned to stone forever is a fate that should have produced a lot more terror from your protagonist.
It also felt a little disproportionate. The guy's a louse, but hardly a serial killer or other nasty. Not a major problem in itself, but if you're going to have something nasty happen to someone in a story it should provoke a reaction. The reader should feel either satisfaction at someone getting their just deserts, or pity for a horrid fate visited on someone who didn't deserve it. I didn't really care enough about this guy. The characters felt a little too much like tools to push the central idea across rather than living breathing people.
I hope I haven't been too discouraging. I make the same mistakes with my own plots. I'm hoping one day I'll shake off the bad habits
Rob_mDear
Wealthy in Spirit
- Joined
- Apr 3, 2008
- Posts
- 284
Horror is a fine enough bucket. Magic in an everyday setting falls into that category fairly often and this is a classic 'cosmic justice'-type plot.
I thought it was a little flat. It had a nice idea - 'guy who treats women as objects ends up as an object', but needed some more meat on the bones. It felt like everything was too driven towards trotting out the moral premise.
You could have possibly jacked up the horror element. Being turned to stone forever is a fate that should have produced a lot more terror from your protagonist.
It also felt a little disproportionate. The guy's a louse, but hardly a serial killer or other nasty. Not a major problem in itself, but if you're going to have something nasty happen to someone in a story it should provoke a reaction. The reader should feel either satisfaction at someone getting their just deserts, or pity for a horrid fate visited on someone who didn't deserve it. I didn't really care enough about this guy. The characters felt a little too much like tools to push the central idea across rather than living breathing people.
I hope I haven't been too discouraging. I make the same mistakes with my own plots. I'm hoping one day I'll shake off the bad habits
I agree with everything MHH said here, but I think the story still has a lot of potential. Don't treat is as "done" just because it's published. I'd encourage you to go back and rework it, then update it on the site.
Get rid of the tedious physical descriptions (or make them more subtle and interesting... my own favorite method is to describe one character looking at and appraising the other, so you get a point of view, not just a list of stats). More importantly, add the emotion. Make the guy deserve his fate, or at least make the girls think he deserves it (which works even better for horror). What if they thought he was a serial date-rapist? And make his reaction appropriate to his fate. Have him feel the horror. What is he forced to watch as an object? Make the reader live through that. You cover years in a blink in two paragraphs, as if it's utterly painless.
Flesh it out more.
I think this could be a great story if it were given more depth and emotion.
