My first story....

[PJeremy]

Could you guys let me know what you think?

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=301410

My name is PJeremy, the Story is called "Holiday Weekend" and it is in the Group Sex category.

Please be kind, as it is my first venture into erotic lit.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Not bad for a first story, PJ. There are a few things you could have done better. You could work on imagery. Occastionally, they don't work quite right. For instance, "we each took a strong margarita in hand, the pitcher in tow,..." In tow? Also there are a few sentences that I stumbled over, and could have been reworked to flow better.

But generally, the story is damn good. Keep it up, guy

 

[PJeremy]

Thanks. I appreciate you giving it a read. Agreed, I could have taken some time to smooth out some of the sentences, and next time I will work on that aspect a little more than just getting a decent story together. As far as content... this one kind of wrote itself.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Thanks. I appreciate you giving it a read. Agreed, I could have taken some time to smooth out some of the sentences, and next time I will work on that aspect a little more than just getting a decent story together. As far as content... this one kind of wrote itself.

Most stories write themselve, PJ. But don't tell anyone. Most of the newbies think it's hard work

 

[PJeremy]

Ha... well, this one is true... the others I am working on are fantasy.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Ha... well, this one is true... the others I am working on are fantasy.

Doesn't make any difference. Of the 40 plus stories I have posted on Lit under several names, one is true. But all of them have written themselves.

The trick is this - Design the characters. Let them take on their own personalities. Let them become real. Then the characters do the writing for you.

 

[PJeremy]

WOW, great advice there. You are so dead on it's amazing. Thanks again, and other people considering writing a story should really read that bit of advice.

 

[jomar]

Design the characters. Let them take on their own personalities. Let them become real. Then the characters do the writing for you.

Can I edit what the characters write or do I have to be present when they write it?

Fine first effort BTW.

 

[PJeremy]

Thanks jomar, appreciate it.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Enjoyed your story, and that's real praise because I find group scenarios so difficult to follow usually. Don't agree about the margharitas comment - could just see the three of you, like Mississippi tugs with the pitcher 'in tow', heading for the tub.

A few points did grate a bit. I don't think that brackets work well in fiction. (Danielle Steel disagrees with me so feel free to ignore the advice.)

I know you are into the first person perspective, and write it well, but I just got a bit phazed with "Hell, what can I say, I'm a man." and "At this point I should describe,". When you switch from first person POV to talking to the audience you lose the dramatic tension. Also, we aren't all realtors, we can live with a broad brush description of old opulence.

I know you say it is a true story, but I think you could have tightened things up a tad by ignoring the condoms bit and not having the change of venue. You get by the 'ownership' issue when Brenda demands 'you' to come in her and the transfer to the apartment just puts the story on hold for a couple of paras.

Also, the great menage à trois scene is a little rushed. You could explore a bit more the feelings that Brenda and Liz experience before becoming delirious faced with your masuline ardor.

You write well, but there are a few irritating typos that need either you, or a proofreader, to mop up.

Also, as has been said, your sentence structure is not completely consistent.

What the heck, this is a good story to read and you write better than some authors who've published more stories than you.

Good luck, and put a promo here when you submit again.

 

[PJeremy]

Great constructive criticism, I really appreciate it.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Can I edit what the characters write or do I have to be present when they write it?

Fine first effort BTW.

The story belongs to the characters, but you are responsible for the words, jomar

 

[jomar]

The story belongs to the characters, but you are responsible for the words, jomar

So that's what the problem's been!

 

[elfin_odalisque]

The story belongs to the characters, but you are responsible for the words, jomar

How deep and spiritual.

Jomar, the only exception to what Jenny says is when you get into dialogue. Then the characters must say what's in their hearts and souls, otherwise the story can become wooden. There are superb stories here which are 90% dialogue and are like a rollercoaster.