My first story...

[whitehype]

Frustration and a Surprise Erotic Story...

Hello all. I've just had my first submission posted here on the site, and I'm interested in your feedback (both here and in the public feedback section at the end of the story).

It's called "Frustration and a Surprise," (http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=289481)

and plays off of the feminine desire to feel a penis enter the warmth of her vagina (and the deep imagery of the strength and vulnerability of such a meeting), as well as the pleasure-filled frustration of seeing a roommate get the very thing one is wanting...if it's a solid start, I could continue the story in further installments

- whitehype

 

[jomar]

Yes to a solid start

Read it, voted, left a comment.

 

[mjl2010]

Read it, voted, left a comment.

Ditto!

MJL

 

[whitehype]

comments appreciated

noticed there's more than a few lurkers hanging around looking at this thread...could at least ten or more of you take the time to leave a comment? I'm only asking this because this is my first story, and I'd like to see a broad range of folks commenting as an encouragement to go further, or challenging comments to go deeper, etc.

 

[swingle]

loved it

You have a great imagination cant wait to read more, my first time on here as well waiting for story to be aproved only got few poems up so far
keep it up
swingles

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

You did pretty well for a first story. Congrads

There are a few technical things you will learn along the way. The first two paragraphs should be a single paragraph. They are the same though continued. You use the semicolon a lot more than is needed. In a couple cases, it's been used in place of a needed period. The same goes for your use of the elypsis (...). You actually use it as a conjuction. This punctuation can only be used to indicate an incomplete sentence. You could have made the story better by using dialogue, but that's something you learn as you progress.

Those things not withstanding, the story was well laid out for plot and flow. The action works in the context.

All in all, a good first story.

JJ

 

[whitehype]

thanks for the ideas so far...and thanks especially for your insightful comments, jenny. the challenge of experienced writers showing the ability to criticize AND patience is a toughie to walk.

How do you think I addressed the female experience of longing, frustration, and orgasm in specific, jenny? (other females feel free to respond)

My participation in this website reflects a dual intention:

1) to expand my sexual and literary imagination, and

2) to grasp deeper insight into the female experience of sexuality (and all that term includes) and pleasure.

Growing in my grasp of both of those intentions should only heighten the satisfaction of both my sexual life and that of my future wife

 

[elfin_odalisque]

thanks for the ideas so far...and thanks especially for your insightful comments, jenny. the challenge of experienced writers showing the ability to criticize AND patience is a toughie to walk.

How do you think I addressed the female experience of longing, frustration, and orgasm in specific, jenny? (other females feel free to respond)

My participation in this website reflects a dual intention:

1) to expand my sexual and literary imagination, and

2) to grasp deeper insight into the female experience of sexuality (and all that term includes) and pleasure.

Growing in my grasp of both of those intentions should only heighten the satisfaction of both my sexual life and that of my future wife

Really good first post.

I agree totally with Jenny. Your proofreading is good but you must brush up on your punctuation a bit - there are some super articles in Writers' Resources. If you had run paras 1 and 2 together, the punchline would have been even stronger.

My two cents. You change tense from the present to the past when Beth and boyfriend appear which is a bit offputting. Also, IMHO, you shift a tad too much into describing the scene instead of focussing on what is happening in "my"mind as she watches.

If you write in first person, you can get round Jenny's criticism of no dialogue if you write completely in the active rather than the passive mood. For example, you wrote, "I was shocked to see the state of undress Beth and Mark were in" but if you had said, "The vision of Beth and Mark almost naked seared into my brain and made my pulse race" I would have been there with you.

Your objective number 2 is quite a goal. Just a word, try the top list of the lesbian cat and read some stories and guess whether the author is male or female. You get a good feeling for how the sexes approach sexuality.

I think you have quite a talent for erotic stories and was really impressed. Keep writing.

Elle

 

[whitehype]

elfin,

Who would you say are the most effective female authors you've been exposed to who display the most authentically female experience?

Because I've read some female authored stories where the woman's vagina is described as literally so wet it's flowing onto the floor like a river...now, I don't doubt some women are so ejaculatory that that could take place in climax, but suggesting that happens just when a women is aroused sounds a bit over the top, you know?

I'm honestly not attracted to over the top stuff...I just want to see some honest, authentic female experience...both for the sake of my education, and because getting a glimpse into the female buildup to and eventual reaching of orgasm makes my orgasm that much more explosive as well.

I've felt the soft gripping of vagina lips on my penis as I've lined it up and slid into my girlfriend before. I've felt the intense heat and velvety grip of a woman's pussy before. I've seen a woman take me deep throat before and my jaw has literally dropped from the sensation; I never climaxed so strongly in my life as I did then; intercourse or no. I'm familiar with the male experience...deeply interested in the female.

You feel me?

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

elfin,

Who would you say are the most effective female authors you've been exposed to who display the most authentically female experience?

Because I've read some female authored stories where the woman's vagina is described as literally so wet it's flowing onto the floor like a river...now, I don't doubt some women are so ejaculatory that that could take place in climax, but suggesting that happens just when a women is aroused sounds a bit over the top, you know?

I'm honestly not attracted to over the top stuff...I just want to see some honest, authentic female experience...both for the sake of my education, and because getting a glimpse into the female buildup to and eventual reaching of orgasm makes my orgasm that much more explosive as well.

I've felt the soft gripping of vagina lips on my penis as I've lined it up and slid into my girlfriend before. I've felt the intense heat and velvety grip of a woman's pussy before. I've seen a woman take me deep throat before and my jaw has literally dropped from the sensation; I never climaxed so strongly in my life as I did then; intercourse or no. I'm familiar with the male experience...deeply interested in the female.

You feel me?

White, there just aren't any rules. This is all made up shit - imagination. You can say whatever you want in your stories. You can discribe viginas any way you think will get a reaction.

As far as the pussy being so wet it ran like a river on the floor...oh well. Not true, of course, but the image is more important than the reality.

What discription come to mind for pussys? The opening flower of her sex. Her glistening slit. The twin lips... And the list goes on and on. It's not so much what you say, but what picture you create in the mind of the reader that's important.

jj

 

[whitehype]

i hear you, jenny, but at some point the imagination needs to run up against reality. Do you have any favorite female authors who you would say describe and/or imagine the female experience in a manner that you, as a woman, say "Yes!" to?

That's what I'm asking from elfin and you and others; other females can feel free to comment as well. Favorite female authors you find authentically showing a woman's experience.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

i hear you, jenny, but at some point the imagination needs to run up against reality. Do you have any favorite female authors who you would say describe and/or imagine the female experience in a manner that you, as a woman, say "Yes!" to?

That's what I'm asking from elfin and you and others; other females can feel free to comment as well. Favorite female authors you find authentically showing a woman's experience.

Nope. See, you are assuming that sex for a woman is the same everytime or the same for any two women. That's just not true. There is just pussy pounding sex, there is love with sex. There is a whole range of different things. I had a g/f for a while who could cum just by talking to her.

Frankly, if you are looking for well written sex scenes, go to the top list under Romance. You'll find a dozen in there.

Personally, I don't write anything like that. I'm a humoroust. Getting laid isn't funny. NOT getting laid, but almost, is.

 

[whitehype]

Actually, no, I wasn't assuming that sex was the same at all times for all women. I've been around the block enough times to know that!

I'm just looking for authenticity. That's all. So women like pussy-pounding sex...ok, what authors might represent that desire and consummation best? So women like slow, loving sex...what authors seem authentic in the female experience of that? So women like a tongue on their sex...who writes in such a fashion that you (or other women) say, "YES! Sounds about right!"

I know there's a variety of experience, but like I said before, the imagination has to run up against reality at some point to be authentic.

 

[curiositykitten]

Hello all. I've just had my first submission posted here on the site, and I'm interested in your feedback

- whitehype

Replied to your request so see my comments. By the way, I thought you did a fairly good job of writing from a female perspective.

 

[whitehype]

to curiousity kitten

What did you see in the story that struck you as authentic from the female perspective? You can cut and paste sections from the story in response here if you'd like.

In the same vein, which left you wanting...just kinda bleh?


Any other females are certainly welcome to respond as well.

-whitehype

 

[whitehype]

Just for the sake of clarity here...I'm not looking to engage anyone in any tit for tat cybersex conversation here. I'm happily in love with my girlfriend and not looking elsewhere.

I'm just willing to learn and intrigued by femininity in all of its forms. That's it.

Consider me a sponge. I won't proposition you. Nothing. Nada.