My First Story

[little_allie]

Hi, i recently wrote my first story and submitted it to literotica. i have had a few responses but would really like some constructive criticism (mostly about spelling as an anonymous person said that some of my spelling and word usage was a bit off - not bothering to tell me where however - i can't find anything wrong with it). i would very much appreciate some feedback.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=268327

many thanks xxAllieNxx

 

[TantricTeacher]

Here are a few quick corections-

In general you use commas when you should split into sentences. I have identified several so you can get the idea.
"us, she" should be "us. She"
"I did, I" should be "I did. I"
"Nerinda, I" should be "Nerinda. I"
"sex, it" should be "sex. It"
--- well you get the idea - when there is a new thought, you can feel comfortable starting a new sentence.
Here are some grammatical errors "us girls" should be "we girls"
"with more rapidity" shoud just be "faster"
"head span" shold be "head spun"
"Lied" should be "lie" (I think)
"was sat" should be either "was" or "sat" not both
-----------
I hope that is helpful - I liked the story alot.

If you found these comments helpful, please let me know.

Tantric Teacher

 

[little_allie]

Thank you so much for your help. I am an English student so it's a bit embarassing getting things wrong (but life is one big lesson after all!!). I'm glad that you enjoyed reading my story, chapter two is now up. It would be cool if people could let me know what they think of it!

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=268477

Thanks again Tantric Teacher

xxAllieNxx

 

[vespanights]

Maybe its just me, but I don't see the need why the story is an "incest" story. I've read your profile and learned that this isn't something you are "into" in real life. Therefore, I don't feel the passion coming through in your writing.

Have you ever thought about writing about something you have or would do?

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Hi, i recently wrote my first story and submitted it to literotica. i have had a few responses but would really like some constructive criticism (mostly about spelling as an anonymous person said that some of my spelling and word usage was a bit off - not bothering to tell me where however - i can't find anything wrong with it). i would very much appreciate some feedback.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=268327

many thanks xxAllieNxx

Allie,

You have a few grammatic errors and such, but for a first submission it was a good story. It's a sad commentary on the Universities that they don't teach you to write. They only teach you the rules but not the mechanics. Lit is a good place to learn that. There are lots of writers around here who will help you.

You do need some help in learning how to make your characters live and jump off the page but that will come. I will look at your sequal and I expect it will be an improvement as will every story you post be an improvement over the one before.

Good story. Keep it up.

JJ

 

[lindiana]

Hello

Hello and welcome to Literotica, little_allie.

First, I would like to say you should not be embarassed because you are an English student. I have my BS in Secondary Education/English and I make errors all over the place. No one is perfect.

I did find a few things I thought I would point out that Tantric Teacher did not mention.

1.) I am not sure why you are using apostrophes for your quotations instead of quotation marks but you should use quotation marks to indicate dialogue.

2.) As such, it is customary when having dialogue to connect it to other parts of the sentence. Since "Okay baby" is a fragment, it might work better if you phrased it as "Okay baby," dad said as he kissed my forehead.

3.) Not sure also why you keep referring to him as "my dad" since it is known he is your dad.

4.) Earlier in the story you say "The day of mine and Nerinda's birthday". Never mention yourself first. You should change it to "The day of Nerinda's and my birthday".

5) In the sentence "It was heaven", you neglected to capitalize It.

6.) "I began to move my hips to meet his thrusts and that's when it happened I had my first orgasm during sex, it was wonderful and completely different to any other orgasm." is a run on sentence. Consider placing a period after happened.

7.) Cumming is spelt with two m's.


Overall for a first effort, it was very good. I look forward to reading your next story.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Allie,

I've been through your second story, Uncle Ian. I like the story but there are a number of things you could do better.

Paragraph 1: "I and my cousin Mischa were at it." should read "My cousin, Mischa, and I were at it." Also the paragraph is four sentences long and you used "I" five times.

Paragraph 2: "She started to moan loudly and screamed to me that she was going to cum." There are a couple errors here. You've been eating Mischa for fifteen minutes and NOW she finally moans and cums in your mouth. That doesn't really seen very real unless she's been gagged for the first 14.5 minutes. Also you don't need the "...to me that..". That is understood. Then you really should have made the sentence here so it would read:
"She moaned loudly and screamed, "I'm going to cum."

Paragraph 3: 'I could tell that Mischa was perfectly satisfied because she fell asleep straight after.' I really stumbled over that. It doesn't seem quite real. The you write, "I walked down to the kitchen in my nude state and encountered my uncle - he was making himself a midnight snack." Rather than a "-" I would have simply put a period and made two sentences out of this line. The fact that you are nude should have been shown in the first paragraph, not now. Here it almost sounds like an afterthought.

Paragraph 4: 'I opened the refrigerator and bent over (hoping he would get the hint) to get myself some water.' Erm? First, the phrase, "(hoping he would get the hint)". You have used "(" and ")" in place of commas. Second, why is the water in the frig? I found that confusing.

Paragraph 5: 'Is there something you want, Vienna?' Asked Ian, obviously knowing there was." Asked should not be capitalized.

Paragraph 6: "I let out a girlish giggle. 'Yeah.' I rested my heard back as I inserted two more fingers." First part should read something like: "Yeah," I said with a girlish giggle. Then where did the first fingers come from and where are they? You say your "...inserted two more fingers." You need to tell the reader a little more here.

Throughtout the piece you use an apostorphy for a quotation mark. They are not the same.

If you want me to go on, let me know by pm and I will, luv.

It's a good, nasty story. But you do need some edit work to get off the ground.

JJ

 

[Fantasies_only]

Hi, i recently wrote my first story and submitted it to literotica. i have had a few responses but would really like some constructive criticism (mostly about spelling as an anonymous person said that some of my spelling and word usage was a bit off - not bothering to tell me where however - i can't find anything wrong with it). i would very much appreciate some feedback.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=268327

many thanks xxAllieNxx

where my dad was sat on the bed. (take out was)
Daddy couldn't hold on any longer, he tightened up and came in my pussy. (comma should be period with capital "H" in separate sentence)
He seemed to cum forever spilling his seed into me. (insert comma after "forever")
Even when he did finally stop cuming my body still convulsed with the pleasure of the multiple orgasms. (insert comma after cuming)

 

[Fantasies_only]

Cumming is spelt with two m's.

Are you sure?
Although two consonants make a vowel sound short, there are some ecseptions.
The "ah" sound in water for instance.

Unless you are just being cute, spelt is spelled led on the end, not with a t.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Are you sure?
Although two consonants make a vowel sound short, there are some ecseptions.
The "ah" sound in water for instance.

Unless you are just being cute, spelt is spelled led on the end, not with a t.

Spelt is the British way of spelling "spelled"

 

[lindiana]

Spelt is the British way of spelling "spelled"

Actually either spelt or spelled is acceptable in any variety of the English language. Check your dictionary.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Actually either spelt or spelled is acceptable in any variety of the English language. Check your dictionary.

Uh huh, uh huh.

"spelt

Main Entry: 1spelt
Pronunciation: 'spelt
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English, from Late Latin spelta, of Germanic origin; perhaps akin to Middle High German spelte split piece of wood, Old High German spaltan to split -- more at SPLIT
: an ancient wheat (Triticum spelta syn. T. aestivum spelta) with spikelets containing two light red grains; also : the grain of spelt"

 

[Lauren Hynde]

OK... I guess that proves that having a dictionary is useless if you don't know how to use it.

 

[Fantasies_only]

Uh huh, uh huh.

"spelt

Main Entry: 1spelt
Pronunciation: 'spelt
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English, from Late Latin spelta, of Germanic origin; perhaps akin to Middle High German spelte split piece of wood, Old High German spaltan to split -- more at SPLIT
: an ancient wheat (Triticum spelta syn. T. aestivum spelta) with spikelets containing two light red grains; also : the grain of spelt"

1: You proved yourself wrong, and spelt means something else entirely.
2: This occurs everywhere you go on the Web (started as Internet shorthand), which tells me the general education system is not really working.
3: Everyone who gets it wrong, teaches others the wrong way to do it, which confirms the last point.
4: This goes for yourself as well.

Cumming is spelt with two m's.

You mean Cumming is spelled with two "m"s.
There is no apostrophe in a non possessive or non contraction.
You can use quotation marks around a letter, but a letter, word, or sentence inside a quote must be surrounded by apostrophes, so it looks like this:
" ' ' "

 

[lindiana]

1: You proved yourself wrong, and spelt means something else entirely.
2: This occurs everywhere you go on the Web (started as Internet shorthand), which tells me the general education system is not really working.
3: Everyone who gets it wrong, teaches others the wrong way to do it, which confirms the last point.
4: This goes for yourself as well.

You mean Cumming is spelled with two "m"s.
There is no apostrophe in a non possessive or non contraction.
You can use quotation marks around a letter, but a letter, word, or sentence inside a quote must be surrounded by apostrophes, so it looks like this:
" ' ' "

Sorry, wrong again.

In my Webster's New World College Dictionary (published in 1996), spelled and spelt mean the same thing. Maybe you need to buy a more recent dictionary.

If you wish to debate the merits of the word with Webster's, please do so. Perhaps they are wrong and you are right.


Cum is not a word, it is slang. So therefore there is no right or wrong way to spell it.

 

[Fantasies_only]

Sorry, wrong again.

In my Webster's New World College Dictionary (published in 1996), spelled and spelt mean the same thing. Maybe you need to buy a more recent dictionary.

If you wish to debate the merits of the word with Webster's, please do so. Perhaps they are wrong and you are right.


Cum is not a word, it is slang. So therefore there is no right or wrong way to spell it.

I should have made it clear, that the above quote is not my post.

The apostrophe rule is correct though.
The acseptions are short words (because turns into 'cause) and double consinents (little becomes li'le).

Here's one for you: smilie
The smilie was born way back in the 30s (maybe late 20s).
The name smilie (taking off the s) wasn't created until later.

Spelt is a rarely used spelling of spelled.
It should not replace the modern day spelling.

 

[lindiana]

Spelt is a rarely used spelling of spelled.
It should not replace the modern day spelling.

That would be your PERSONAL opinion, not fact.

You should make it clear to your readers that your opinion of how English grammar should be used is just that: your opinion and it has no basis on fact.

 

[Fantasies_only]

That would be your PERSONAL opinion, not fact.

You should make it clear to your readers that your opinion of how English grammar should be used is just that: your opinion and it has no basis on fact.

I was just reading about that.
The author is English, but admits America has a "more correct" grammer and spelling.
This is confirmed by other more official sources.
THE BRITISH DON’T KNOW HOW TO SPELL

 

[lindiana]

I was just reading about that.
The author is English, but admits America has a "more correct" grammer and spelling.
This is confirmed by other more official sources.
THE BRITISH DON’T KNOW HOW TO SPELL

I'm not British. I was born, raised and schooled in the good old USA.

And my dictionary is not British either.




PS Grammar is spelt with no E and exceptions is spelt with no A.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I'm not British. I was born, raised and schooled in the good old USA.

And my dictionary is not British either.


PS Grammar is spelt with no E and exceptions is spelt with no A.

I was born in the UK and live there and in the US. My source is the Oxford English Dictionary (Unabridged) Hence:

spell1

• verb (past and past part. spelled or chiefly Brit. spelt) 1 write or name the letters that form (a word) in correct sequence. 2 (of letters) make up or form (a word). 3 be a sign of; lead to: the plans would spell disaster. 4 (spell out) explain clearly and in detail.

The Bold is mine.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

(past and past part. spelled or chiefly Brit. spelt)

chiefly

Main Entry: 1chief·ly
Pronunciation: 'chE-flE
Function: adverb
1 : most importantly : PRINCIPALLY, ESPECIALLY
2 : for the most part : MOSTLY, MAINLY

 

[Fantasies_only]

I'm not sure, but it sounds like it should also have this meaning:
He was under her spell.
She spelt him, or he was spelt.

Grammar is spelt with no E and exceptions is spelt with no A.

Correct on both counts.
I admit my spelling isn't so hot sometimes, so I need to spell check, and I forgot to do so on grammar.
On exceptions, I got it mixed up with accept.
ACCEPT/EXCEPT

 

[Fantasies_only]

*****

 

[dtimber]

Hi, i recently wrote my first story and submitted it to literotica. i have had a few responses but would really like some constructive criticism (mostly about spelling as an anonymous person said that some of my spelling and word usage was a bit off - not bothering to tell me where however - i can't find anything wrong with it). i would very much appreciate some feedback.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=268327

many thanks xxAllieNxx

You are a good writer; I didn't notice spelling errors, but usage -- yes. Old fashioned rules, but I notice if they aren't respected. Apparently some others do too. These are all I found:

"The day of mine and Nerinda's eighteenth birthday" should be "of Nerinda's and my"

"I walked into my parents' room, where my dad was sat on the bed." sb: was sitting" or "sat"

"I lied there perfectly still for a few moments" sb: "I lay there ..." or " I was pefectly still . . ." or "I lay perfectly still . . ."

"my head span with ecstasy" sb: "spun"

 

[dtimber]

Hi, i recently wrote my first story and submitted it to literotica. i have had a few responses but would really like some constructive criticism (mostly about spelling as an anonymous person said that some of my spelling and word usage was a bit off - not bothering to tell me where however - i can't find anything wrong with it). i would very much appreciate some feedback.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=268327

many thanks xxAllieNxx

You are a good writer; I didn't notice spelling errors, but usage -- yes. Old fashioned rules, but I notice if they aren't respected. Apparently some others do too. These are all I found:

"The day of mine and Nerinda's eighteenth birthday" should be "of Nerinda's and my"

"I walked into my parents' room, where my dad was sat on the bed." sb: was sitting" or "sat"

"I lied there perfectly still for a few moments" sb: "I lay there ..." or " I was pefectly still . . ." or "I lay perfectly still . . ."

"my head span with ecstasy" sb: "spun"