My First Story

[phillips2007]

Hello,

I've been reading many Literotica stories for over a year now, and last night I figured I'd take a very small stab at writing my own.

I'll take any constructive criticism that is given to me, good or bad. Please be nice though as it is my first attempt, and I simply wrote what I imagined a story that I would like to read (Whether or not I accomplished that is still up in the air to see).

So please, take a look. It's not long at all, but it should have correct spelling, but I can't promise on the grammar. It's still very "rough" around the edges. Many thanks

Here (Story in .txt)

 

[janiexx]

Hi

You may get more reads and replies if you copy and paste your story onto a message here. When I clicked onto your link the page was very wide - on my computer anyway - and I found it difficult to read like that.

Just an idea...

janiexx

 

[kbate]

Welcome to Lit.

The writing is very basic. Very passive, almost to the point of boring.

It lacks feeling - two mechanical people conducting a generic experiment in semi-public sex, for her I can see that, it's just sex, for him though.... where's the guilt over breaking his religious convictions, where's the embarrassment, where's the excitement.

Go through, revise all of the passive voice. Delete the numeric based descriptions of the characters. Add some feeling, your hero has his first ever orgasm, induced by the school hottie and only has an "oh" for his reaction?

then is not than.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Doesn't fit my screen in this format.