My first story....

He didnt notice she was putting his cock up her ass?? I think he would notice as she tried to get everything lined up.

The actuall actions in this story werent bad, but we dont get much emotional connection to either character. We dont know why they are doing anything. Is he worried as she locked him up?

The part where she teases him and asks him what he likes about her is cute. I think you could have taken it further. If she is an exebitionist she could masturbate for him. ie.

"Oh... this pussy" She spread her legs slowly parting her pussy with her fingers showing him her wet glistening inner lips. "Oh its so hot and wet. Wouldnt you like to fuck it?"
I groaned and reached for her.
"Touch me and i am leaving"

You get the idea.
Basicly you have a great plot and pretty good action but you could realy use some fleshing out of your characters as it is it seems a little dry.

Spyro
 
that story was hot

it had me needing to relieve myself before it was done...is there possibly a sequel on the way?
 
Good story. Short and sweet. A little vanilla for my usual tastes, but that's a personal preference, not a failing on your part. I did a little tugging while reading.

I liked how she not only denied him his orgasm, but she denied herself one until she began to fuck him.

You don't have to change it, but it was a little weird how she slipped in his room without his noticing. You could write maybe how he had his eyes shut tight, or was in the bathroom, etc. I don't mind much the fact that she took him in her ass all of a sudden. I've seen porn stars slip dicks into their ass as easily as they would their mouth, so I guess a "very talented girl" might be able to do that.

I would describe her position in the hot tub a little better. From what I gather, she was hanging off the edge of the tub, her arms and legs on the cement as her pussy hovered in front of the jet.
 
You guys are right about her putting it in her ass without him noticing. I actually wrote the story first and then through that paragraph in last.....decided a little anal never hurt. I thought that him not noticing seemed a little bit more interesting......but it doesn't make much sense.

To the person who asked about her position in the hot tub: you're picturing it right.

And a sequel? I probably won't write a sequel.......but a few more stories with the same character(the girl) may be on the way.....

Thanks for the input, all.
 
Errors

"Mourning"/ morning. "Swim suite"/ swim suit (x2). "Down-right"/ downright. "Soft-ball"/ softball. "Over-powering"/ overpowering. "I looked up and saw that she had my cock in her ass." / Now, please: if you've never had anal sex, don't try to write about it. It's much more difficult to stick a cock up a butt than this.

"As she did this she dumped load after load of my own hot, creamy cum right on my face." / Nope. Wouldn't happen. It would ooze or drip, but it wouldn't be "dumped", "load after load".

Sorry, This little vignette only rates a 2.
 
falcon29 said:
"Mourning"/ morning. "Swim suite"/ swim suit (x2). "Down-right"/ downright. "Soft-ball"/ softball. "Over-powering"/ overpowering. "I looked up and saw that she had my cock in her ass." / Now, please: if you've never had anal sex, don't try to write about it. It's much more difficult to stick a cock up a butt than this.

"As she did this she dumped load after load of my own hot, creamy cum right on my face." / Nope. Wouldn't happen. It would ooze or drip, but it wouldn't be "dumped", "load after load".

Sorry, This little vignette only rates a 2.

*shrug*....first story.......sorry to waste your time.....
 
caligula215 said:
*shrug*....first story.......sorry to waste your time.....

Not a waste of time. The best thing to do is to have someone edit your story before you submit. I myself have 3 different editors that I use. (Not all on the same story, hehe)

BTW, I Read, Voted and Commented (RVC) on your story.
 
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