I have written my first story here. The votes are at around 4, but i have not had any feedback. I do wish to know what is bad or what is good of my work so I may be notified as to what i should change to be a better writer. Please, if you can, do read and tell me what you think. Thank you. xxx{/B}
My first story
- Thread starter snfl_grl
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NoJo
Happily Marred
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- May 19, 2002
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- 15,398
I'm feeling philanthropic today, so I'll find the link.
Hang on a minute....
Right, got it.
It's here: http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=181709
Hang on a minute....
Right, got it.
It's here: http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=181709
NoJo
Happily Marred
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- May 19, 2002
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- 15,398
Read it.
Okay... you're 17 or 18 years old, right?
Well, start a pic thread and tease the 30-40 something men here on it. Your story will get an 'H' in no time.
First sentences are first impressions, and are therefore important:
My room faced the front of the house, exposing shadows, and teasing the passers as I undressed.
That doesn't make sense. You're saying tht the room teased the passers [by].
You shoud edit and repost.
Joe.
Okay... you're 17 or 18 years old, right?
Well, start a pic thread and tease the 30-40 something men here on it. Your story will get an 'H' in no time.
First sentences are first impressions, and are therefore important:
My room faced the front of the house, exposing shadows, and teasing the passers as I undressed.
That doesn't make sense. You're saying tht the room teased the passers [by].
You shoud edit and repost.
Joe.
Rainbow Skin
Literotica Guru
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- Jun 15, 2002
- Posts
- 514
It reads to me like you've only been through it once: written a bit, written the next bit, and so on, and got to the end, and submitted it. It's disjointed, as if you haven't gone back and re-read it with a fresh mind.
You need to go through anything you write a few times. Not just: are these the events I want to depict? But: does this sound right? Does it flow? Do the events follow one from another? Is the language natural?
In this we keep bumping up against bits of language that sound 'literary', but don't quite mean anything. One example: A tap on the window stalled the concentration further.
You stall a car, you stall for an answer... do you stall concentration? I don't think it's quite the right word. And 'the' concentration: it sounds more natural to say 'my' concentration. And 'further': well, it wasn't stalled (or whatever) before, and there's a tap, and it now is -- but it doesn't do it further, that is, more than it was already before.
Okay, individually these are all small points and not very important, but together they add up to a feeling that you're choosing words that sound as if they fit -- but not rereading and seeing how they fit together.
You can't just choose words, you have to pull back and read it as if you were a stranger reading it for the first time, someone who doesn't already know what you mean. And then you'll see: oh, I'm suddenly jumping from X to Y, when really I need to bridge that a bit more. Or: I've used that word, but it's not really the right word to describe it, for a stranger who hasn't already seen it.
Keep going. You've got your words basically right.
You need to go through anything you write a few times. Not just: are these the events I want to depict? But: does this sound right? Does it flow? Do the events follow one from another? Is the language natural?
In this we keep bumping up against bits of language that sound 'literary', but don't quite mean anything. One example: A tap on the window stalled the concentration further.
You stall a car, you stall for an answer... do you stall concentration? I don't think it's quite the right word. And 'the' concentration: it sounds more natural to say 'my' concentration. And 'further': well, it wasn't stalled (or whatever) before, and there's a tap, and it now is -- but it doesn't do it further, that is, more than it was already before.
Okay, individually these are all small points and not very important, but together they add up to a feeling that you're choosing words that sound as if they fit -- but not rereading and seeing how they fit together.
You can't just choose words, you have to pull back and read it as if you were a stranger reading it for the first time, someone who doesn't already know what you mean. And then you'll see: oh, I'm suddenly jumping from X to Y, when really I need to bridge that a bit more. Or: I've used that word, but it's not really the right word to describe it, for a stranger who hasn't already seen it.
Keep going. You've got your words basically right.
An Awful Cad
Really Experienced
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- Sep 7, 2004
- Posts
- 103
My Two Cents
I agree with both 'Joe and 'bow, so I won't rehash any of their critical points. I will just add that you might want to consider the volunteer editor program. It's got experienced editors/writers who can help with this kind of stuff, before you submit a story.
And Joe's right about the photos, too. Post some pix and you'll have lots of volunteer editors. Heck, I might even do it myself.
Link to the volunteer editor list
I agree with both 'Joe and 'bow, so I won't rehash any of their critical points. I will just add that you might want to consider the volunteer editor program. It's got experienced editors/writers who can help with this kind of stuff, before you submit a story.
And Joe's right about the photos, too. Post some pix and you'll have lots of volunteer editors. Heck, I might even do it myself.
Link to the volunteer editor list
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