My first story

[Pop-O]

I have finally taken the steps necessary to submit and post my first story on this site. The title is "Britney's Trip",

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=103525

So far its doing pretty good, but its only been a few days and no one has provided any feedback as yet.

I have three others awaiting approval, and hope that you all enjoy my style.

Thanks,

Roger

 

[Chicklet]

I haven't read your whole story yet, I don't know if I'll remember to come back and read the whole thing, but I will try.

Just a couple of things from the first couple of paragraphs:

At 27 years of age, she has long brown hair, blue eyes, her slim 100 pound body is to die for. Her 38D breast on that slim frame will take your eyes right out of your head.

1) I don't like to read descriptions of people so early in a story. It seems too much like a briefing of the story "okay people we have briteny, 27, 38D, gonna go fuck Roger, 53, overweight. GO!"

2) I think that any numbers under 100 ought to be written out, save if they're a percentage or date. Twenty-seven would look better than 27, especially in a paragraph with so many numbers. Same thing for the second paragraph of descriptions.

3) Some people on Lit like the girls with outrageous sized tits. I am not one of them. 38D breasts and only 100 pounds? Uhm, can you say heavily weighted toothpick? You have to close your eyes and imagine what i'm talking about - your main character has no flesh on her bones unless she's 5 ft or under. She has breasts the size of watermelons, however, threatening to topple her over. As far as I understand with bra size, the letter is the cup (size of breast) and the number is how far around the strap needs to go to keep it in place. Check out my av - I am 5 ft even, 140 lbs, and my bra size is 38C.

“Don’t make a move, and don’t say a word”, I said. “If you yell, it will be the last thing you’ll ever do, do you understand that”?

In dialogue, the punctuation marks need to be on the inside of the quotation marks. "Don't make a move," rather than "Don't make a move", you see?

Okay, that's all I have time for right now. I seriously will try to remember to come back and look your whole story over, give you more in-depth comments, and maybe even a critique of content.

-Chicklet

 

[Pop-O]

Chicklet,

That is exactly what i'm looking for. I really appreciate you taking the time to do this.

As a Vocation School graduate in the late 60's, I try hard to write properly, and will use all the help I can get.

Again, Thanks!

Roger

P.S. This girl, Britney, believe it or not, those are her measurements, I know!

 

[Omni]

To me as a reader this is eighty percent of a story with the other twenty percent missing. You have the basic story here, however, it needs built upon. There is no feeling to it. It is an exciting idea, but there is not enough written here to really feel the depth of it. Examples:

You write that this man has known this woman for years and in the hotel lobby he waits to see her for the first time ever. But, you put no emotion behind it, no feelings for the reader to relate to this momentous occasion. A sentence or two about his excitement, what he thinks of looking at her in person as compared to speaking to her sexually online for years would help the readers realize that this was not just an everyday man checking out a woman’s ass. Plus, we do not find out the revelation that the woman is married until the end of the story. That is a point of view that in my opinion would color the entire story and this man and woman’s attitude.

The part about him having worked at the hotel and being able to ask for the key to her room from security suspend my belief. I could not believe it.

Your description of her coming out of the shower and bending over is good. It bordered on bringing in some emotion, however these next two sentences are out of the blue and without further explanation written are incomprehensible.

I knew from our talks that her body had betrayed her on a couple of occasions when she got fucked by other men. She told me how she hated herself, but when her body responded, she could not stop.

So she is a repressed woman, but still she meets different men to fuck, but she hates herself for the enjoyment she receives from it? If this were the case, it seems her reaction when he pounces on her and ties her up and proceeds to have his way with her would be different. But I will get to that.

The entire attacking this woman from behind in the privacy and security of her motel room lacks any emotion on either character’s part. This is a huge deal that should be full of vivid emotions. I mean, I realize that on Literotica a lot of people are just writing stroke stories, however even in a good stroke story there has to be a drawing in of the reader into the sexual adventure.

Also, you have him tying up one wrist not both. I would then expect her free hand to be moving trying to cover herself, fend him off, clutch the towel etc. Also, I would expect that free hand to be doing things through the rest of the story etc.

The writing of what he then starts to do to her sexually is not bad, as I said you have a good outline here. However, once again we are only in his head and getting no indication of her reactions. He touches and fondles her like and expert. She does not do a dang thing, but he sees once she is moving as though getting aroused. Believable I suppose in the fact she appears to have little terror over this entire situation.

Then suddenly out of the blue she pleads her pussy is wet and would her masked attacker please do something about it. Hard to believe with what you have given us here.

Britney was so mad at herself for allowing her body to betray her the way it did. She was easily excited when it came to sex, always has been ever since she was a teenager.

Why? And, through the entire story we are in his head, point of view, then suddenly she has a thought. One thought in the middle of all his thinking and doing that throws the reader off.
Ok I will stop here. It looks to me as though you have the talent to write sentences on top of one another in a comprehendible and flowing manner. Which is not a given. You and I, just as all the other writers of the world just need to work continually on the craft of doing it.
Smell, feel, taste, sound, movement, color, texture.

Omni

 

[Pop-O]

Thank You

First and foremost, thanks for reading the story. Secondly, for giving me a very honest and in depth response to it. I realize that I have a long way to go, and knew if I posted in Lit., i'd be told honestly what need to be done, to make my work better.

Again Thanks,

Roger

 

[yournmfo]

100 lbs. 38 D???

I weigh 103 lbs. and wear a 34 D, but I really find it hard to believe that someone weighing only 100 lbs would actually wear a size 38. She would have to have some kind on gigantic rib cage!

 

[Pop-O]

All I can tell you is that I know this girl, and she is as i've described her.

Pop-O

 

[TabooTeller]

I have finally taken the steps necessary to submit and post my first story on this site. The title is "Britney's Trip",

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=103525

So far its doing pretty good, but its only been a few days and no one has provided any feedback as yet.

I have three others awaiting approval, and hope that you all enjoy my style.

Thanks,

Roger

I read most of it and skimmed a couple parts. I liked it except for acouple littel things. First we don't learn she is married until much later, it would have been better if that was revealed sooner for that explained the comment aboutt her body betraying her. And I think she should have tried to fight the guy more. She gave into her body too soon. Other then those two comments I think it was not badly written. It was a good idea for a story.


TabooTeller

 

[Pop-O]

Thank You



Always nice to receive a feedback, good news or bad. Thanks for taking the time to read my story.

Pop-O

 

[TabooTeller]

Re: Thank You

Always nice to receive a feedback, good news or bad. Thanks for taking the time to read my story.

Pop-O

ginally posted by Pop-O [/i]
[
After I signed off last night I thought of two more comments. One is that the guy also got out of charcter during the pretend rape. About half way through he stopped being a rapest. She said she was scaried but at that point I wondered why.

Also if this story is built around a real person who I wonder how much of her real life was put in. I mean does she really have a husband that is into old fashion sex? But in either case in a note to you anal sex is old fashion from what I understand. At least in some cases. Not that that is a big deal.


TabooTeller

 

[AmericanWench]

Britney

I may be out of place here, commenting when my own story is not on Lit yet, but here goes.
The thing that stood out, to me, was the terminology seemed to flow and was consistant throughout the story, until the part that read
"....tongued her shithole"
In my opinion, that placed a relatively vulgar reference into an otherwise non-vulgar story.
That was the main thing that I wanted to point out. I think the idea of the story is good.
AmericanWench

 

[Pop-O]

American Wench,

Your not stepping out of bounds. You have the right to voice you opinion as much as anyone else.

Thank you for taking the time to comment and for reading my story.

Pop-O