My First Story

[prophet007]

Hello everyone, my first Literotica story is finally up, it's called "The Edge", it's a BDSM teasing & denial of a female by a dominant story, and it can be found at:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=99623

I hope you enjoy it - I'd very much welcome any feedback at all, even if it's bad! With any luck a few more stories I've submitted should be cleared in a couple of days.

Thanks!

 

[Rainbow Skin]

I liked this. I think it works well. Effective details, well paced, and satisfying.

Some readers won't like the second-person approach, but I don't mind it. Probably would have worked better if the 'you' was a 'she', but it doesn't strike me as bad this way.

A couple of minor points of visualization. As she's tied down foursquare, rip your thong away requires it to burst or tear: it's topologically impossible to remove it from her without that. I'm not sure that 'rip' conveys that. It could be rip = tear, but I got the feeling of rip = pull sharply away.

as I stand there, watching, waiting, keeping ... warm water, I’m gently rubbing a wet cloth against you

Other objects can just appear out of nowhere, from a jacket pocket, but warm water needs to be prepared (or it was already obviously ready in the room), and there was no indication that the watching and waiting had given way to that. (Later it appears the table might be adjacent to taps, but that's not clear at this point.)

to compliment the physical torment. - to complement

I wonder if you have the same sensations now as I have done when writing helplessly, in glorious torment, under your control in the past.

Ah yes, the tormented life of a writer.

 

[prophet007]

Many thanks for your feedback, and I'm glad you enjoyed the story!

LOL, obviously that's supposed to be "writhing", but actually I quite like it that way now you've pointed it out...

 

[prophet007]

Two New Stories

Hello again all,

Two more stories of mine added today, "She Makes Me" is a first person account by a respectable businessman of a regular trip to a Dominatrix's chamber, and can be found here:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=99622


while "Sweet Suffering" is another first person account of dominating a female submissive, this time in public:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=99619

Enjoy, and do let me know what you think!