My First Story

[RetchingHearts]

Hi Everyone!

I just posted my first story on Literotica and would greatly appreciate it if I could get any kind of feedback whatsoever. I've only gotten one message and that was from my boyfriend (which doesn't count)! LOL

F.Y.I.: My story is a very true story about us - just something to keep in mind while you're reading it! Thanks for any feedback you have to offer! I'd like to keep on writing more true stories in the future - let me know what ya'll think!

Here's a link: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=97850

It's called "Waiting Patiently"

Thank You!!!!

 

[Rainbow Skin]

As a story construction, it works: the timing, the lead-ups, how much weight you give to each incident. The main problem is with the specific words. Not only do you keep mentioning, say, 'pussy', far too much, but it's usually 'dripping pussy'.

You need to think about the choice of a word every single time you use it. Stop and visualize: on this mention, how exactly is the pussy reacting? How is it different from last time I mentioned it: heightened, wetter, ...? And if not, can I refrain from re-mentioning a detail that doesn't add anything?

Each word needs to convey an image, not just fill a place in describing an act. You can describe an act easily: 'that night we got sexual in his car, not going all the way, but the following morning I thought of nothing else but his mouth upon my skin'. You only need extra words if they're going to enhance the imagery.

Ronnie was working as a DJ ... I forgot to mention that Ronnie is a karaoke DJ

Well edit the story to mention it above. This is you writing something; it's not a transcript of a tape-recording. Even though it's first person, it's a written narrative where that sort of casualness is out of place.

awaiting is wet mouth ... with is hand ... through is shorts

The dreaded edit by spelling-checker. It knows 'is' is a word, but you have to read it slowly for sense to see if it's the right one.

my voluptuous tits ... both of my tits ... to feel my tits ... took one of my tits ... from one tit to the other

So many repetitions, you have to rewrite to avoid some of them. I don't mean substitute 'breast', 'boob', 'norg' or whatever and keep the rest, because the idea is still repeated if you did that. Actually rework the paragraph so you don't need to keep mentioning it: such as 'to expose both to his full view', 'began to feel along my curves', 'from one to the other'.

all the while fondling the one that he wasn't currently sucking with [h]is hand

You don't suck with your hand, but you don't fondle with anything but your hand, so you can avoid this awkward image just by leaving out 'with his hand'. It says the same without it.

cock ... mouth ... cock ... mouth ... pussy ... wet ... wet ... pussy ... mouth ... cock ... etc. etc.

Just repeating the basic words makes it sound so mechanical. There is no feeling to it. It doesn't help adding 'I thought I had died and gone to heaven! I wanted so badly...', because that doesn't convey any specific feeling. What about the buzz, the tingle, the swirling, the giddiness, the yawn, the gulp, the lurch, the intake of breath?

You can reduce the physical words without loss of sense: 'his fingers in and out of my dripping pussy' can become 'his fingers in and out of me'; 'to feel Ronnie's huge cock inside of my dripping pussy' can become 'to feel Ronnie filling me up'. This would cut down the repetition somewhat.

 

[requerdos]

Ditto Rainbow Skin's comments above.


Why does she suddenly want Ronnie? How did her feelings for him change from friendly to romantic? Was she depressed and on the rebound from breaking up with Mr. Right?

The girl character seems to be an exhibitionist:
- attraction to Karaoke (performance art)
- making out in the parking lot (another performing art)
- overwhelming feeling of being watched (and liking it!)
- "naughty thought" of exhibitionism with Ronnie
- flashing Ronnie's friend Dave

Playing up this angle might make the lead-up to the mad dash home for the bedroom scene even sexier. Develop her deliberate exhibitionist tendancies with details about how she behaves on stage, in front of Ronnie, in the car with Ronnie, in front of Dave and the friends, etc... But be sure that each of these actions are for the expressed purpose of gaining Ronnie's attention. It seems to me that she is seducing him intentionally; and if so, then let her do it in a style consistent with her character (as blonde and bombshell as possible).

Dave is a lucky man. Probably in the right place at the right time. Maybe she progresses in her exhibitionism to allow Dave to fulfill some of his voyeuristic urges? Maybe not, its up to you.

But Ronnie is the luckiest man. He should be made to show some appreciation for the effort she's giving for his attention. Why has Ronnie always wanted her? Make him confess these reasons to her. That way the romance builds. He could confide in her how he's watched her for all these years, listening to her sing, catching all her best moves....When she discovers that her talents have not gone unnoticed it turns her on even more!

Congrats on posting your first story.

requerdos

 

[RetchingHearts]

Thank you guys so much for the constructive feedback. I really needed an honest opinion to this story.

I did not realize how much I repeated myself over and over again. I sure needed that extra set of eyeballs to notice that! I will definitely try to watch that in my next story.

I will also try to be a bit more desciptive in my next story ... expically about the exhibitionism part (you were soooooooo right on that one).

Once again, thank you and I appreciate your taking the time to read my story.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Your tone throughout is very conversational; you write as if you're telling the story to a friend, maybe over the phone. That's not always bad; there are some writers who can write like that and pull it off. Personally, I never really cared that much for it, it tends to grate on my ear after awhile, but that just might be my own hangup (I haven't read the other reviews yet. I'll read them after I finish this and see if they agree or disagree.)

The problems with writing like this are often the same problems we have with telling a story orally. We tend to gloss over descriptions, we use too many colloquiallisms and slang expressions, way too many cliches, too many exclamation marks, and it can sound really chatty and, well, teenaged. Like I said though, maybe that's the effect you wanted, in which case it was brilliantly done.

If not, I would really look out for things like talking directly to the reader and using cliches. ("I thought I'd died and gone to heaven!" does both.) Get rid of all exclamation marks (the lazy writer's way of showing emotion) that aren't part of a direct quote. Try to tell the story in such a way that the reader can tell what you're feeling from the action. Instead of dying and going to heaven, it's much sexier if you describe, say, your eyes rolling up into your head, or shuddering, or biting your lip in pleasure. readers usually want to be able to picture what's going on rather than being told what's going on.

You say that this is a true story. I believe you, but saying a story's true is a notorious author's trick to generate reader interest, and I don't know if most people believe it or even really care. You're real test as a writer comes when you write something you've invented yourself. I'd like to have a look when you do that.

For a first effort, good job though.

Best,

---dr.M.

 

[RetchingHearts]

Thanks, Dr. M ... and yes, it is a VERY true story. I started writing this story as a joke for my boyfriend - he didn't really think I could write a WHOLE Literotica story about our first time together. Boy, did I prove him wrong! Ha, ha. At any rate, I really didn't have any intention of actually submitting this until he read it and said, "Whoa ... you have to submit this to the site."

So, here it is and I truly appreciate your feedback. I would love to write more stories (both true and untrue). My goal is to write it as though it really happened - but isn't that everyone's goal here? I'm gaining a lot of insight as to what I need to fix in my future stories. I'll be sure to let you know when I get my next story up and going!

Thank You!!

 

[lyricalcandy]

True stories are very interesting ... on the one hand they are easy to write, but on the other it is sometimes difficult to do them justice. Actually, I think you did a good deal of justice to your tale, and I can't add anything that hasn't already been said. I actually like the somewhat conversational tone ... I think its fair play, especially in a true story sometimes the easiest way to put it into words is to write it as though you were telling someone else. People have already advised you to avoid repetition ... and other than that I didn't see any major conflicts.


When you do move on to fiction though, try to leave out insignificant details (like how Ronnie's phone rang before the two of you got into the car) and focus only on what pushes the plot forward.

One other thing I did notice is that you didn't describe the actual intercourse in very much detail. You elaborated quite a bit on the oral sex, but when we got to inserting tab A in slot B ... it just kinda happened. I'd spend a while fantasizing about that first time and see if you can't put in a bit more detail... but that's only my humble opinion.

Lyricalcandy

P.S I can't let the moment pass without shamelessly advertising my own first submission to literotica ... I hope you will check it out.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=98195

 

[RetchingHearts]

Thank you for taking the time to read my story, Lyricalcandy. I also appreciate your taking the time to send some feedback.

I tried a few different approaches when I first sat down to write my story. This being the first time I wrote a story for pure pleasure, I wasn't sure how to go about it. I figured the conversational tone was easiest way to go.

I did read your story. I loved how it had the twist where it was revealed that he was a vampire! I actually stopped for a moment and said, "Whoa!" LOL

The only thing I could see is that a few of your paragraphs were really long. The wording was excellent, but you might want to break up some of the paragraphs. Long paragraphs make it hard to read - espically on a computer screen. I had the same problem on the first draft of my story. I had an editor working with me and I broke up a few paragraphs without losing the plot. Just something to think about next time.

Other than the paragraph thingy, I think you did an excellent job at writing this tale. I was truly entertained and it held my attention - espically with the twists and turns. Keep up the great work and and I can't wait to read the next part!

- Retching Hearts

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I would love to write more stories (both true and untrue). My goal is to write it as though it really happened - but isn't that everyone's goal here?

I know what you mean about true and untrue, RH, but let's think about this for a minute.

I think what you mean is that everyone wants their stories to be realistic, which is not the same as being or even seeming to be true. Whether a story is true or not may effect what we think of the writer and her experiences, but really, it doesn't make the story any better than a story that's entirely made up. That's why most experienced writers realize that the "This is a true story!" claim you see at the start of many beginners' works is neither here nor there. A writer still has to tell the story well and get us involved, otherwise it's not writing, it's just reporting.

There'a a lot of untruth that goes into writing porn, a lot of exaggeration, a lot of downright lying. The sex is always great, the men are always hung, the women always beautiful; no one worries about contraception or STD's, orgasms are always fantastic. We know instinctively that this isn't true, not for most of us anyhow, but we wish it were. So it's not so much a matter of writing things that are true, but of writing things that probably aren't entirely true but in such a way that they seem that they should be.

For those of us who've written erotic horror or fantasy, there's no way we're going to convince a reader thatthe story is true. But we still want to make it seem like it should be.

So whether your story is true or not--whether it really happened--is never an excuse for telling your story badly. A lot of people think it is. As a story, it doesn't really matter whether it is or not; you've still got to tell it well. You still have to learn to tell it as a writer.

Just something to keep in mind.

Best,

---dr.M.

 

[RetchingHearts]

Very well stated. Thank you Dr. M. ) I'm sure I'll get the hang of this eventually! LOL

 

[RetchingHearts]

By the way - I have to get used to the emoticons on here as well! LOL That should have been a smiley not a weird looking face! LOL

 

[Alex756]

I
There'a a lot of untruth that goes into writing porn, a lot of exaggeration, a lot of downright lying. The sex is always great, the men are always hung, the women always beautiful; no one worries about contraception or STD's, orgasms are always fantastic. We know instinctively that this isn't true, not for most of us anyhow, but we wish it were. So it's not so much a matter of writing things that are true, but of writing things that probably aren't entirely true but in such a way that they seem that they should be.

Which of these rules have I broken

a. The sex is always great

Broken it, wrote a sex scene where the male character is soo tired he does this kinda groping sloppy kiss come and fall alseep thing, but its kinda endearing in the story.

b Men hung
Broken in all stories cept 1

c Women are always beautiful
Well if you ask me all women are beautiful in some way, but for traditional beauty, its been broken.

d contraception & STDs
Oh I have written a few scenes with condoms. the rest all the consequesces were there, cept my star trek thing but hey thats the future In fact the sex scene in my highest rated stories has the condom going on and being taken off afterwards. (One Fall Semester Break incase anyone is interested)

e. Orgasms are always fantastic
Broken that one too.

Alex756 -- The rule breaker

I think realism is a good thing, EVEN in my erotic horror