My First Story

[silversword]

At last my first story has now been posted.

Having discovered this site a few months ago I have been reading others work and it began to get me thinking. I have not written fiction for nearly five years and this was my first attempt.

Now I am drawing to the close of my second story there are several things I change if I were to write this one again however I would apreciate the views of others. Their have been over 7000 veiws of the story but only 16 votes......

All comments are greatly apreciated and aticipated with an open mind.

silver

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=90676



by my heart, my honour and my sword

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Hi, Silversword, and congrats on posting your first story here. I read it, so here's what I think.

The content is good. I mean, there's a story, and you tell it well. The opening's a little contived--the old mirror scene as a way of letting you describe your character has been used to death--but that's no big sin.

Your main problem is with your mechanics, especially with your sentence structure and your use of commas. You are rather stingy with commas, and that makes a lot of your sentences awkward and confusing.

Here's an excerpt:

Grasping to the top of his trousers she pulled them to the floor taking his underwear with them. There it stood before her, now free, his erection jutted out proudly from his body his balls hung beneath.

She moved forward her tongue extended from her glossy lips met the wrinkled skin of his ball sack. As she touched it she saw it contract drawing his balls closer to his body. Moving on her tongue traced the underside of his rigid member, he let out a moan as she reached the tip. A trail of clear liquid stretched between the tip of her tongue and the tip of his pulsing cock.

Looking him in the eye drew her hand up his thigh grasping his balls, her hand then enveloped his shaft slowing moving up its length. On reaching the head she skilfully twisted her hand and descended back down. Gripping the base of his cock between her thumb and forefinger she cupped his balls with her remaining fingers.

Take the second paragraph first. There should be a period after "forward" and after "tongue" unless you mean "She moved her tongue forward", which I doubt. I think you mean "She moved forward. Her tongue, extended from her glossy lips, met the wrinkled..."
Next sentence: comma after 'it' and after 'contract'
Next: comma after 'on' and either a period/new sentence, a semicolon. or the word 'and' after "member"

Looking at the start of Para 3, we see that the first part of the first sentence has no subject whatsoever. Who drew what?

There are errors like this throughout the piece. It really needs an editor.

There are a number of curious word choices that an editor could help with as well. There are also a lot of spellcheck errors. "heals" for "heels", and the notorious "seamen" for "semen".

You have a tendency to overuse one sentence structure, the one that goes: "Leading with a phrase, the rest of the sentence followed." After awhile its use becomes noticable.

But mechanical errors are a lot easier to fix than sontent errors. As I say, you tell a story well, and that;s the main thing.

Reagrds,

--dr.M.

 

[honeysucklerose]

Good description in your story, silversword. The mirror bit maybe a little cliche but I thought you used it well to let Katherine's confidence and perhaps a bit of conceit show.

Alot of the sentence structure does distract from form the story however. Sentences like

As she moved she drew admiring glances from men she passed, some she ignored, to some she just smiled an acknowledgement, others that caught her eye she engaged but only long enough to let them look deeply into her green eyes, and then she moved on.

go on too long and lose me. Any time you find yourself with multiple quotes and 'buts' and 'ands' then you probably need to break it up or say it more briefly.

The doctors spellcheck suggestion should be heeded. Some of your errors are a matter of symantics that will simply need a closer read. Were you in a hurry when you posted this? If so, perhaps sitting on your second story a bit and then reading it when you've been away from it for awhile might help. Otherwise having someone else proofread for you isn't a bad idea.

Good luck!

 

[silversword]

Thank you

thank you both for your comments.

i must admit that the story was written and edited within a week, and your right it probably was rushed. like you say when editing your own work you can tend to glance over it was you already know what it says.

will attempt to take more care before submitting the next story, however I am currently stuck on how to move my story forward so you may have to wait a little longer.

thanks again

silver

 

[Catriona]

Hi

I don't have any artistic suggestions for you. I read your story i few days ago and i happened accross your thread so i just thought i'd tell you that i really liked your story.
I hope you continue to write stories for lit., i'll definetly be keeping an eye out for the next one.


Catriona

 

[silversword]

Thank you

Thank you Catriona i'm glad to hear you enjoyed the story.

My next has now been completed in first draft however taking the advice given above and given that the plot is alot more involved I intent to leave a week before I start editing.

I will however post a thread once the story is ready.

Thanks again.

Silver

 

[Catriona]

I'll definetly be checking to see when it's avaliable to read. Any chance of you telling a little bit of what the story will be about?

Catriona