My first story.

[CherryTart300]

I just published my first story and I would love some feedback. Thanks a million.

https://literotica.com/s/daddys-little-cumslut-ch-01

 

[NotWise]

I just published my first story and I would love some feedback. Thanks a million.

https://literotica.com/s/daddys-little-cumslut-ch-01

I read until I reached the sex, and then mostly skimmed from there, which made it a short read.

Be careful to keep your tense consistent. You switch between present tense and different flavors of past tense, which is likely to confuse your readers unless you're careful about how it's done.

You also switch between a first person point of view using Cherry's voice and a third person point of view when talking about her father. There probably are ways to do that successfully, but for your first story it might have been a good idea to stick to one point of view.

You have a start and something to build on, so have fun and just keep writing.

 

[CherryTart300]

Thank you very much for the honest feedback.

 

[LWulf]

I'm not really into incest stories, but there are loads on Literotica, so somebody must be liking them. The problem is, most of them don't give commentary or critiques. So here we are.

You write well enough. A couple of small minor glitches where an editor, beta-reader or a second set of eyes would have helped. In the Editor's Forum, I believe you can request an editor or beta-reader to review your work prior to submitting. After submitting, it gets more complicated but you can still edit your work. But I digress.

There are certain conventions which suggest that numbers should be spelled out: "eighteen" instead of "18", etc. It's not horribly wrong, but it looks a little more polished as a writer to spell them out.

I wish I kept references bookmarked. Trying to go look for them after the fact is sometimes daunting. The reason is, I write with "hard stops," this is where the writer changes from first person to narrative. Placing "****" or some such between one and the other, to let the reader know there has been a break in point of view, or scene change. Alternatively, there is a "soft stop (break?)" which is done differently, but I can't remember those because I don't use them.
My point is, you have a couple of Point of View changes that I'm not sure if you did it right, or not.

"He fell back on the bed panting"
not
"He fell back on the bad panting,"

This is hard. It's more of a pet peeve than anything literary as far as I know, but you use onomatopoeia to describe spanking slaps. Why is it a pet peeve? Because this isn't a comic book where you see "Biff! Bammm! Blop! (Blop? anyway...)." As a writer, I'm going to encourage you to try to compose what is happening with words, instead of taking the shortcut and using onomatopoeia. It's harder because you have to break a scene down to minute details, without making it into several pages to describe five seconds of action.
Let me reaffirm, there is nothing wrong with onomatopoeia. It's just a short cut that I see used all too often.

"Daddy, anything to make you happy."
not
"Daddy, anything time make you happy."

"Ooo daddy that feels so good"
Two things about this sentence. One, is that there is a convention that you are to use a comma before and after "daddy," however, another convention says you don't have to do it at all. I'm old school, and I was taught the convention of putting it in before and after. However, that said, there are other times where you use a person's name in a sentence and I glossed right over those. Should I have made mention of those as well? I'm uncertain.
Two, is just a minor thing about capitalizing "daddy." An interesting situation there too. I was taught that if the person is related to you, then you should capitalize their pronouns as if using their names. There are exceptions to that but I don't recall them. I point this out because you likewise use "my uncle" uncapitalized. I'm uncertain if the convention goes one way or another in that regard. I'm inclined to think "capitalized."

"I buck and grind my pussy on Daddy's mouth, as (???)".
Did you fall asleep on that one?

"Ooo, ooo, oh, God, I'm cumming!" I scream.

"Fuck yes Daddy, I need more, it feels so good."
While you can break proper grammar rules inside of quotes, I like to encourage not using a stunted form of diction. (It) reads better.

" "Ahhhh, please it hurts daddy," I whimpered and wiggled under him."

I might have missed a couple more. I thought there were a couple more on page two, but this is what happens when I review, THEN write commentary about what I've read. Again, most of all of this would have gotten picked up by a second set of eyes. Everybody misses stuff when they are writing, so don't take it personally that you missed something.
If you wish to improve your own writing skills, I was advised once to read your script aloud. Listening to yourself, you'll pick out things you missed, but don't take the shortcut of reading what you remember, instead of reading what you've written.

Cheers,
~L

 

[UltimateHomeBody]

There is a base school of thought that cum is a noun only, given to the semen and liquid that are delivered by a penis for procreation purposes.
The verb would be come, then tenses are coming and came.

But then very few writers on the site take any notice of rules of grammar.

 

[LWulf]

There is a base school of thought that cum is a noun only, given to the semen and liquid that are delivered by a penis for procreation purposes.
The verb would be come, then tenses are coming and came.

But then very few writers on the site take any notice of rules of grammar.

I was going to mention that too, but it's getting established that "cum" is the proper term, and frankly, I found the proper "come/came" as being confusing, when I saw it in various books I used to read, especially since they would only use that term to indicate anything happened and didn't expand on anything emotional, physical, or ethereal.

So... yeah. Cum.

Where slang becomes the common lexicon. However, don't get me started. "Gay" is a word that (as far as I know) E.E. Cummings perpetuated into the slang usage it is today.

Actually, "gay" meant male homosexual, as "lesbian" has long been established as female homosexual, but the modern generation has redefined it, yet again, to mean a unisex homosexual.

Originally, it just meant "happy."

So... yeah... slang destroys the proper use of words which didn't just start yesterday.

 

[ElectricBlue]

There is a base school of thought that cum is a noun only, given to the semen and liquid that are delivered by a penis for procreation purposes.
The verb would be come, then tenses are coming and came.

But then very few writers on the site take any notice of rules of grammar.

I tend to reserve cum for trashier, pornier sex scenes, and only ever for the noun - never in my life will I use it for the verb. And God help us, "cummed." That's just, don't.

Dumbing down to the lowest common denominator is just dumbing down. Writers should aspire higher.

 

[AlinaX]

I also dislike cum as a verb, but it is fairly common usage.

Lesbian, interestingly enough, originally encompassed all woman-with-woman sexual activity. The purism of strict homosexuality is a fairly recent thing.

 

[LWulf]

I also dislike cum as a verb, but it is fairly common usage.

Lesbian, interestingly enough, originally encompassed all woman-with-woman sexual activity. The purism of strict homosexuality is a fairly recent thing.

Sappho (origin of sapphic) was an ancient greek poet (from the Greek island of Lesbos) who wrote poetry about her love for women.

It's always been rather confusing to me how the word meant other than what is modernly conceived as "lesbian." Some maintain that it meant a sexualized (aggressive) woman which usage dates back to the 1600's. However, that usage still included strict woman on woman homosexuality. I guess, the difference being that it meant a sexualized woman including woman on woman love, to solely meaning woman on woman love.

Sappho supposedly was solely interested in woman on woman sexuality, but yes I misspoke myself when saying " 'lesbian' has long been established as female homosexual" However, I've read records that suggest 'lesbian' as female homosexuality has been in use since the 1800's, and not so "recent."

 

[SimonDoom]

I think you have the concept, storytelling ability, and writing skills to make this a good story, but there are too many fundamental mistakes.

Everytime you write a story, go through it carefully with a checklist to scrutinize:

1. Is tense consistent? You shift from present tense to past indiscriminately. If you look for it, you'll eliminate this problem.

2. Is point of view consistent? It's not. You tell most of the story in first person from Cherry's point of view, and then without warning you shift to Daddy's/Bobby's point of view in the third person. Don't do this, unless it's more clearly done. I recommend being consistent.

3. Is the dialogue properly punctuated? For the most part it was OK, but there were some errors. For instance, at the end of a snippet of dialogue tag, insert a comma before the quotation mark. Sometimes you have periods there. Sometimes you leave off periods at the end of the sentence.

4. Have you set up the sex act with a prelude that adequately establishes the sex and heightens the eroticism? Just a few paragraphs into your story, you have Daddy cupping Cherry's pussy, with no prelude. Have they acted this way before? If not, this would be an extraordinary thing to do, and it requires more buildup and discussion of her feelings. This is the key moment of the story -- when their relationship takes on a sexual aspect. Don't skimp on this. Not everybody feels this way, but I think buildup is crucial in an incest story -- it's what gives an incest story its excitement and eroticism. If they're just two people having sex, it's not really an incest story. Establishing the relationship and, in particular, the CHANGE in the relationship that the story tells is the key to the story. You skimped on this.



I thought the bit about adding the Oxy pill at the end seemed weird.

 

[AlinaX]

Sappho, of course, was bisexual.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Where slang becomes the common lexicon. However, don't get me started. "Gay" is a word that (as far as I know) E.E. Cummings perpetuated into the slang usage it is today.

Nope. "Gay" has had connotations of sexual immorality for a very long time - connotations of dissolution/sexual abandon are hinted at in Chaucer (late 14th century) and Shirley's "The Lady of Pleasure" (1637). "Gay cat" (meaning a young hobo, often sexually abused by older men) goes back to at least 1893, a year before Cummings was born, and by the 1920s it was used by homosexual men to refer to one another.

I'm not aware of any authority who attributes that to Cummings - what's your source for that?

Originally, it just meant "happy."

No, it didn't. That is one of its long-standing meanings, but it's also carried other meanings - flamboyance, forwardness, etc. - since it first entered English from Old French.

Like many words in the English language, "gay" has a long and complex history, and its associations with homosexuality are older than any of the people who persist in griping about it.

 

[MohanSingh]

Creepy story