My first story

[alyeditrix]

Hi, my first story was posted the other day - and, I've gotten a lot of hits, but pretty few votes, and almost no feedback - so was wondering if you guys could let me know if it was any good, and if i should keep on writing? (Or any pointers to make it better the next time around?)

thanks - aly

 

[Guest]

Link is http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=78564

 

[Guest]

Reunited

I like the mood of this story, Aly, particularly the first three paragraphs, before the "reuniting". It seemed as though there was a suggestion that this was a shared imagination, rather than reality. I liked that.


You have a very good style, with good paragraph lengths and flow. Maybe the style is a tiny bit formal for my taste.

When David says "I broke our agreement too", I would have used a different word, maybe "trust". Agreement is a little official sounding.

The sex was nicely and tenderly done, but at that point, the story lost the dreamlike mood.

I actually don't read a lot of the stories here to get off. I'm in no real hurry to get to descriptions of sex in them, no matter how sexily they're written. So I actuall would have preferred less sex in proportion. The reuniting is the climax of the story for me, not the sexual climax. So the story lost a little momentum.

My opinion, of course.


"To be continued..." Do you really have a continuation in mind? Have you made up a big story, of which this is the first part? It doesn't seem that way to me. It seems pretty complete as a story.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

The writing's fine except for a few insignificant oversights. The speech is stilted, but given the dreamlike and fanatasy feel of the piece, it doesn't seem that out of place.

My problem was understanding what was going on at the start. It seems like David and Alyssa had been lovers and had broken up. But then, what was Alyssa doing in David's house "searching for information" and why was she afraid of the "emptiness" in her bedroom. Wait: does she live there or not? Why did he have to wait until "tonight" to see her?

Then I figured: Okay, David's dead and she's living alone and makes love to his ghost. But then she talks about a letter he'd written her apparently ending the relationship.

Well, I just have to assume that it'll be clear in part 2.

Minor point: He had the same dream every day... Wouldn't "every night" be better?

---dr.M.

 

[thickfinger]

my first story

I've just had my first story posted yesterday. I can sure empathize with you ,out of some 5,500 hits I have 54 votes.
It would apear that this phenomenon is not unique.
I did however get some very cool feedback. I re-read them several times because it was a huge stroke to my ego, (I hope that doesn't make me a narcasist). Tell you what I'll read yours and I promise to vote. You read mine and do the same. Deal
Mine is called "For You" its easiest to find in the new story section.

 

[~Elizabeth~]

Hello How are things tonight?

 

[thickfinger]

After reading and yes voting on your story alyeditrix, I wanted to add a thought or two that I didn't have fully formed when I sent along my feedback. As I read more erotic stories I find that one can make a favorable comparison to music. Sometimes a good heavy metal thrash band suits me to a T. At other times I crave something more refined. Sometimes Like a jazz tune I don't really know what I am after and just let my mood take me where it will.

Your story while it would fit nicely in the category of a more refined peice, ie; no slurping sounds, load dumping, hammering thrusts etc. it left me unfullfilled and wanting much more. Style is unquestionably within your capabilities. This story cried out for depth and for the lack of a better term (fleshing- out). I think it is overall an excellent start and could have been an outstanding story.

 

[MagicFingers]

Hi, my first story was posted the other day - and, I've gotten a lot of hits, but pretty few votes, and almost no feedback - so was wondering if you guys could let me know if it was any good, and if i should keep on writing? (Or any pointers to make it better the next time around?)

thanks - aly

I am also new to Literotica and have just posted MY first story too, so I understand your concerns.
I read your story and voted. I liked it. It is a sensual love story, well writen, and well punctuated, (only one little misspell, cause instead on caused, but that's minor.) Like other readers, I was confused about their relationship, and where they are. After reading it and re-reading parts, I can see that the story is clearly HIS dream, and he has plans to see her for real later that day, right? So, there is a clear need to follow up later.
It did end a little suddenly, and left me hanging a little. That would be OK if part #2 immediately followed, but it doesn't. Please keep writing. I want to see more. And check out my first story. (I'm trying to get the italics fixed and the long intro. And I re-submitted it in 3 parts. It's The Mountain Cabin Getaway, a love story also. Look for "Sherman & Sherman", comming soon.
Cheers, MagicFingers.
obtw, my ex is from Lon Giland too. Keep out of the snow.