My first story

[Kaneda_Shinaro]

Hi all,

I wrote this piece for my fiancée. She really enjoyed it, which makes it a success in my mind. However, I would like to keep writing for her, and figured that now would be as good a time as any to start picking up skills and tricks.

So, if anyone has feedback of The Kitchen, I'd be greatly appreciative.

 

[PennLady]

I read this and it was well done with good grammar and things like that.

I'd say the only problem for many readers is the I/you construction. A lot of readers don't seem to like the "you." There's nothing wrong with it, mind you, but it does put people off. It would work for your girlfriend because you wrote it for her but no one else is her. I'm guessing it could result in lower scores for you, if you care about that.

You write well, so keep going.

 

[Kaneda_Shinaro]

Thanks for the encouragement, PennLady!

I guess you're right about the second person POV. It works for what I was trying to achieve (I think): it makes it personal for my SO and I. Obviously, in a wider context, it might not suit. I'll keep that in mind.

Cheers.

 

[CWatson]

I don't have anything to say. That's not a criticism, mind you: it means I can't find anything to criticize. Your story is well-written, evocative, and perfect from a technical standpoint. Rarely do we see first stories on this level. Well done. =)

I do have some commentary, however.

I second PennLady's concerns about the use of 2nd person. It makes sense because you were, in fact, writing to your girlfriend... but I am not your girlfriend, and it takes me out of the story a bit to be told that I am so easily impressed by your advances. Speaking only for myself, I'd hold out more before I let you into these pants. Also, you might not want to get into these pants, considering my penis is inside them. See what we're getting at? The decision to cast The Reader as your girlfriend will have different effects depending on who, precisely, The Reader is. This was not a mistake--especially considering that your girlfriend is, in fact, meant to be The Reader--but it's a choice with consequences, and it's something you'll probably want to think about as you continue with your writing.

I also want more details. Sex stories live and die by their details--all five senses, concrete impressions. You've got a lot of them, but I want all your paragraphs to be about 25% longer, especially at the end when the full-on intercourse occurs. Fifteen paragraphs of foreplay, three of sex. ...Okay, that's actually pretty realistic. But you don't have to be 100% realistic, and this is one of those times when it might be better if you're not.

Overall: bravo. I wish my first story had been this good.

 

[sr71plt]

*sigh* Just for the record, it's not in second person. It's in first, with a lot of direct addressing of someone. That doesn't make it second person perspective (everything would have to be in the perspective of that second person). The first sentence of the second paragraph establishes what voice it's in--all from the perspective of the "I": "The sight of you takes my breath."

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Its pretty lame, like a 13 year old girl would write or maybe an old York Peppermint Pattie commercial circa 1980. The word I want is HISTRIONIC.

 

[Kaneda_Shinaro]

@CWatson

First of all, thanks for the encouragement. Yeah, you might have gotten a terrible look into my sex life there, with the foreplay-to-sex ratio... But, in seriousness, I get exactly what you're saying. I'll keep it in mind and address it in future stories. That and more detail.

I won't lie and say I'll stop the perspective, because as you've noted, these are primarily for a specific person. But, I totally get where you're coming from. Maybe I should include that in the description (that some readers might not like that I'm casting them in this.

@sr71plt

You are correct, but that was the tag it was given when it was accepted, so I went with it. But yes, it's not second person.

 

[sr71plt]

@sr71plt

You are correct, but that was the tag it was given when it was accepted, so I went with it. But yes, it's not second person.

Ah, the editor added the tag? Guess we can add Laurel to the list of those who don't know what second-person perspective is.

 

[Combat323]

You. You. You're good....

This is starting to sound like a discussion at NOAA about whether it's a hurricane when winds exceed 74 mph or when they exceed 33 m/s.

Even scholars in literature (a hard-partying group if there ever was one) disagree on whether "I" from a narrative voice must be completely excluded from a "true" second person narrative.

 

[sr71plt]

To be second person, you ipso facto have to be receiving the story from the perspective of that second person. You have to write it from inside their mind, from their viewpoint. The I talking directly to a you from the perspective of the I does not, in any way, make it second person. I haven't seen anyone with training in writing disputing this. Maybe cite someone of authority on contrary opinion on this?

 

[PennLady]

This is starting to sound like a discussion at NOAA about whether it's a hurricane when winds exceed 74 mph or when they exceed 33 m/s.

Even scholars in literature (a hard-partying group if there ever was one) disagree on whether "I" from a narrative voice must be completely excluded from a "true" second person narrative.

How can it be a second-person narrative if "I" is directly involved? If "I" is telling the story, then it's first-person.

 

[sr71plt]

This all goes to why you don't see genuine second-person perspective much (including that most of the established works posters cite as second person, aren't). That perspective is convoluted and tedious and you can't sustain it long. Your reader gets tired and clicks out. They pretty much do so as well with the false "second person" some people think is second person but isn't, like here. So, the bottom line is to think three times before addressing the reader as "you" in a story. Almost none of the time with the reader buy themselves as this "you" you're talking to.

 

[PennLady]

This all goes to why you don't see genuine second-person perspective much (including that most of the established works posters cite as second person, aren't). That perspective is convoluted and tedious and you can't sustain it long. Your reader gets tired and clicks out.

Well I certainly am an example of one who clicks out quickly.

I wonder if although people like relating to characters, or even putting themselves in a character's place, they want to have the choice of doing so. 2nd person doesn't give you that choice.

 

[sr71plt]

I wonder if although people like relating to characters, or even putting themselves in a character's place, they want to have the choice of doing so. 2nd person doesn't give you that choice.

Agree. As you were posting, I added to my post to make much the same point.

 

[Combat323]

Monika Fludernik "Second-person narrative and related issues"

From Prof Fludernik:
"As my definition already implies, second-person texts are "open" in several
respects. They can accommodate a variety of "you's" and a variety of "I's," and
a combination of these. Second-person narratives, in so far as a speaker or
addresser emerges from the text, moreover, tend to move along and across
another boundary line, that between the discourse and the story......BLAH,BLAH,BLAH"

This post is making me sleepy...

http://www.freidok.uni-freiburg.de/...t Fiction, edited by Frank N. Magill, 119-32.

 

[sr71plt]

From Prof Fludernik:
"As my definition already implies, second-person texts are "open" in several
respects. They can accommodate a variety of "you's" and a variety of "I's," and
a combination of these. Second-person narratives, in so far as a speaker or
addresser emerges from the text, moreover, tend to move along and across
another boundary line, that between the discourse and the story......BLAH,BLAH,BLAH"

This post is making me sleepy...

http://www.freidok.uni-freiburg.de/...tion only supporting what I have posted . . .