My first Story. Your genuine suggestions please.

[Anihotrod11]

Hi All,

My first attempt at writing. https://www.literotica.com/s/my-first-time-347

 

[OnlyHappyEndings]

Keep on trying, but this story has some issues for me. First off, the lady's kid knocking on the door and wanting you to play made me super uncomfortable. Feel free to have her hire a babysitter next time she wants to bang.

Style-wise, it reads like you are telling us about a dream you had... this happened, then this happened, then this. There's no flow and no chemistry.

Finally, I enjoy reading and writing stories about older women with younger men. I like a little build up in the relationship beyond 'I love MILFs and beat off to them all the time so I sent her a dick pic and what do you know?' It's cool if you want to skip ahead to the dirty parts but dirty parts seemed equally rushed.

Like I said, keep trying. But your next story, look it over with a critical eye and ask yourself if this is the story you would want to read.

 

[StillStunned]

Congrats on writing and publishing your story! That's an amazing achievement: so many people walk around half their life with a story inside them that they never have the courage to write, never mind sharing it with the world.

The sex scene was hot, and I could imagine the narrator's excitement.

That said, there's room for improvement. Please take my suggestions as one person's opinion, nothing more and nothing less. It's always your story, and you should tell it how you want. Unless you're being paid, nobody's opinion matters more than your own. But you asked for feedback, and so I'll give it. You can decide for yourself what to do with it.

First, like @OnlyHappyEndings noted above, the kid's presence is jarring. Literotica has strict rules about underage kids being involved in sex scenes. Your story didn't cross that line, but it was close. You'd have been safer having the kid being somewhere else, for example staying over at a friend's or his grandparents', and phoning or sending text messages at inconvenient moments. Even if you're trying to tell a true story, sometimes you have to alter the details for the sake of storytelling.

The next big issue is "show v. tell". This is a whole thing: there are two techniques in writing a story, where you either "tell" the reader what's happening, or you "show" it. Both serve a purpose. "Tell" moves the story along, "show" immerses the reader. I think your story would have benefitted from more "show" at key moments. You told us about the characters meeting and becoming acquainted. Instead, you could have shown us: played out the narrator's first sight of Mrs S, the scene by the door and waiting for the cab, the first time she gets comfortable around him, when he finds himself fantasising about her. That kind of stuff. In between you can move the story along, but those moments are what draw the reader into the story.

Remember that you're not writing a report, you're telling a story. The idea is for the reader to escape their world for a short while and lose themselves in yours. The more vivid and engaging your story is, the more they'll engage with it.

My suggestion is to identify a few key moments in your story - the meeting, for example - and slow the story down there. Imagine you're making love to your partner on a lazy Sunday morning, with nothing to do and nowhere to be, and all the time in the world. You take your time. You explore your lover's body from head to toes. You tease their skin until they're squirming, before you ever touch a single erogenous zone.

Write your key moments that same way: slow, with caressing detail, teasing the reader by drawing it out before you get to the pivotal moment. Write so that they can't wait to get there, but they're enjoying the journey too much to skip ahead.

Don't worry about it becoming too long. Readers here love long stories. And I know you probably feel like you've written The Complete Works of Charles Dickens (Annotated) - I did when I submitted my first story, of about 2k words. But readers here tend to reward longer stories. One Lit page is about 3700 words, and the sweet spot seems to be about 2-3 Lit pages. Yes: 7-10k words.

That probably seems like a mountain. But really, if you take my advice about slowing the story down, you'll get there in no time. And it's addictive: as you try to immerse the reader in your story, you'll immerse yourself too. You won't want to stop.

Good luck, and keep writing!

 

[badnews79]

Well done for publishing your first story.
It feels a little like you are trying to get over to the reader the most amount of information in the least amount of words.
I am still very new to writing as well and I am learning to fill out the narrative. I feel you have a similar problem to mine.

In the next couple of stories i am sure you will begin to practice your word craft, take a breath when writing slow and down. spend a couple of weeks reading the story over and over filling in gaps and improving flow.

Keep up the writing

 

[TheLobster]

In addition to what others have already said -- all great advice! -- please, please use at least a spellchecker. You've got many typos that would be corrected by one, and it's something even simple text editors often have built-in.

(If you don't have a favorite text editor yet, since I've got a hunch you typed your story directly into the Literotica submission form, I can wholeheartedly recommend Ghostwriter; I use it for all my writing).

 

[StillStunned]

@Anihotrod11 I hope our feedback hasn't soured you on writing, or on this site.

Remember that nobody here was born with the skill of Oscar Wilde or Jane Austen. We've learned from doing, and from listening to what our readers and fellow authors thought of what we wrote. Writing is very much a skill that you can improve through practice, and practice is really the only way that you can improve.

So keep writing, whatever you do.

 

[Anihotrod11]

Keep on trying, but this story has some issues for me. First off, the lady's kid knocking on the door and wanting you to play made me super uncomfortable. Feel free to have her hire a babysitter next time she wants to bang.

Style-wise, it reads like you are telling us about a dream you had... this happened, then this happened, then this. There's no flow and no chemistry.

Finally, I enjoy reading and writing stories about older women with younger men. I like a little build up in the relationship beyond 'I love MILFs and beat off to them all the time so I sent her a dick pic and what do you know?' It's cool if you want to skip ahead to the dirty parts but dirty parts seemed equally rushed.

Like I said, keep trying. But your next story, look it over with a critical eye and ask yourself if this is the story you would want to read.

Thank you for your elaborate feedback, I will surely keep in mind all the suggestions you have shared while I pen down my next story.

 

[Anihotrod11]

Congrats on writing and publishing your story! That's an amazing achievement: so many people walk around half their life with a story inside them that they never have the courage to write, never mind sharing it with the world.

The sex scene was hot, and I could imagine the narrator's excitement.

That said, there's room for improvement. Please take my suggestions as one person's opinion, nothing more and nothing less. It's always your story, and you should tell it how you want. Unless you're being paid, nobody's opinion matters more than your own. But you asked for feedback, and so I'll give it. You can decide for yourself what to do with it.

First, like @OnlyHappyEndings noted above, the kid's presence is jarring. Literotica has strict rules about underage kids being involved in sex scenes. Your story didn't cross that line, but it was close. You'd have been safer having the kid being somewhere else, for example staying over at a friend's or his grandparents', and phoning or sending text messages at inconvenient moments. Even if you're trying to tell a true story, sometimes you have to alter the details for the sake of storytelling.

The next big issue is "show v. tell". This is a whole thing: there are two techniques in writing a story, where you either "tell" the reader what's happening, or you "show" it. Both serve a purpose. "Tell" moves the story along, "show" immerses the reader. I think your story would have benefitted from more "show" at key moments. You told us about the characters meeting and becoming acquainted. Instead, you could have shown us: played out the narrator's first sight of Mrs S, the scene by the door and waiting for the cab, the first time she gets comfortable around him, when he finds himself fantasising about her. That kind of stuff. In between you can move the story along, but those moments are what draw the reader into the story.

Remember that you're not writing a report, you're telling a story. The idea is for the reader to escape their world for a short while and lose themselves in yours. The more vivid and engaging your story is, the more they'll engage with it.

My suggestion is to identify a few key moments in your story - the meeting, for example - and slow the story down there. Imagine you're making love to your partner on a lazy Sunday morning, with nothing to do and nowhere to be, and all the time in the world. You take your time. You explore your lover's body from head to toes. You tease their skin until they're squirming, before you ever touch a single erogenous zone.

Write your key moments that same way: slow, with caressing detail, teasing the reader by drawing it out before you get to the pivotal moment. Write so that they can't wait to get there, but they're enjoying the journey too much to skip ahead.

Don't worry about it becoming too long. Readers here love long stories. And I know you probably feel like you've written The Complete Works of Charles Dickens (Annotated) - I did when I submitted my first story, of about 2k words. But readers here tend to reward longer stories. One Lit page is about 3700 words, and the sweet spot seems to be about 2-3 Lit pages. Yes: 7-10k words.

That probably seems like a mountain. But really, if you take my advice about slowing the story down, you'll get there in no time. And it's addictive: as you try to immerse the reader in your story, you'll immerse yourself too. You won't want to stop.

Good luck, and keep writing!

Wow, it's an elaborate feedback that I'll surely keep in mind while I work on the next story. Thank you.

 

[Anihotrod11]

@Anihotrod11 I hope our feedback hasn't soured you on writing, or on this site.

Remember that nobody here was born with the skill of Oscar Wilde or Jane Austen. We've learned from doing, and from listening to what our readers and fellow authors thought of what we wrote. Writing is very much a skill that you can improve through practice, and practice is really the only way that you can improve.

So keep writing, whatever you do.

Not at all, I am glad I've got genuine suggestions that will help me write better stories.

 

[Levorotatory]

Lots of good advice above, but I wouldn't necessarily take the kid out of the story. Interruptions at inopportune times are something that many people with kids have experienced, and can be a humorous addition to the story if you play up the resulting frustration of the adult characters. Just make sure the kid remains completely oblivious as to what mommy and her friend are actually doing or it may get booted. For example, when the mom answers after the kid knocks on the door, include something about how she is holding something in front of her or just barely cracks the door while standing mostly behind it so we know that the kid isn't also getting an eyeful while the narrator is admiring mom's ass.