My first story. What you think.

[FreddyK]

HI

I finally have written my first piece of erotic fiction and wondered what you thought of it.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=76643


I realise there are a couple of typo's in it, 'of' should be 'off' and there is a case where 'to' should be 'two'.

Any feedback is welcome.

 

[damppanties]

Hi FreddyK,

I'm writing this as I read your story.

I, Greg Archer was twenty six and...
This looks a little out of place. I am not sure if it's wrong but it looked funny in there.

2nd paragraph, I realised we share a common problem with our love for the word 'just'. (Phew! someone does.) I can remember the times I've had to go through my story just for cutting down 'just'. The word is leaping out at me and is repeated quite closely about 4-5 times... not good. Interrupts the flow.
Few examples from your story:
and just after 2pm I had a massive crush on this woman who I just seen walking by
The woman in question just sort of glided down
she just looked like a goddess to me

the banks dress code
should be - the bank's dress code

You have a lot of extra words which seem to be clogging up your story.
So from that first day of seeing her I was smitten with her and
the second 'with her' can be cut.

You're missing commas in a number of places. An example:
Working with Monica a permanent member of staff I found out a little more about Jennifer as the months went by.
should be - Working with Monica, a permanent member of staff, I found out a little more about Jennifer as the months went by.

...done that," was the words Jennifer said.
'was' should be 'were'.

Really glad," said me.
oops! I said. unless ur trying for a slang effect...

I brought my hand up to her vagina and put my fingers on auto pilot. They found their target.
Nice lines.

I could still here the office in the background
'here' should be 'hear'

The ending was a bit off. I would have cut off the last paragraph entirely.

It was a good first attempt. Keep writing and reading and you'll improve a lot.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Damp has critiques your mechanics, so I'd like to take on the story's content.

What you've written is basically a seduction fantasy, which is okay. We probably all start with our own fantasies. But what you've got to do is make that fantasy appeal to us as well. As it is now, it's like you wrote down a detailed daydream. You tell us she was beautiful, and you tell us that you were smitten with you, but you don't really show that to is.

The seductive moment--when she kisses him--comes out of the blue. Why is she doing this? Has she wanted him too all along? Or is it just a goodbye kiss? We don't know.

The sex is very brief and not given much detail. Erotica doesn't have to have elaborate and detailed sex scenes, but in this case it makes it seem that the sex wasn't really even that important or memorable. Then what's the point of the story? We don't know how he really succeeded in seducing her--or she him--and we don't learn anything more about them in the sex scene.

The part of the story you seem to give the most weight to, in terms of detail and space, is your early description of his job and of Jennifer. After that it's like things just happen for no particular reason.

I've also got to say something about your reference to Rene Russo. I think it's an amateur's trick to describe a character by referring to a celebrity. It saves you the very diffcult task of having to actually describe them. "Oh, you know, she looked like Renee Russo." Decriptions are always tough, and describing someone without giving a shopping list of features is even tougher.

You can certainly write. Despite the flaws that Dampy pointed out, you can put together sentences and describe things. You just have to start thinking more like a reader and asking yourself what it is you as a writer need to say to communicate your interest or excitement to them. Ask yourself what was the real excitement in this encounter, what was the heart of the action, and then go back and make it so. (Easy for me to say!)

Regards,

---dr.M.

 

[FreddyK]

Thanks DP

Just read your review of my first story and thanks very much for the pointers. Agreed the word 'just' was over used, even started this reply with it, oops.

Most of all I take from your review is that I have to read and read again whenever I write.


Thanks dr_mabeuse
Agreed, the story did lack a reason for the trigger of the Jennifer character having sex with Greg. True, if the sex was as descriptive as the earlier part of the story then it could have been more of an erotic story. On reading the story on Literoctica I could see the areas in which it was lacking. :-(

The Renee Russo description I suppose was slightly lazy, but I personaaly always think everyone has a double. That does not meen I'm going to use a reference to a celeb in any future work. Perhaps if i'd done a Renee reference along with a more detailed description of the character it would have worked a better. I suppose this is where the fantasy that was mine did n't travel to you the reader. All in all, I guess you could say that I wrote the story for myself and not for the people reading it. A big error if i'm wanting other people to like it. I hope i'm not coming across to self critical but I recognise the errors you pointed out.

Thank goodness you wrote 'You can certainly write. Despite the flaws that Dampy pointed out, you can put together sentences and describe things.'

Well i'm away to think up another story.

 

[damppanties]

Despite the flaws that Dampy pointed out, you can...

Nice name doc. Made me smile.

FreddyK, believe me, I know what the 'just fever' is all about.

A suggestion: get someone to go though your story before posting. Make sure it's after your reading it over and over again.