My first story to Lit...

[kjtatts]

I have written my first story for Lit and would love to do more...... If anyone has some constructive criticism for me, about this one, I will happily take it on board to prepare for my next piece... Thanks.

My Just Desserts (group sex)

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=99973

 

[Rainbow Skin]

This is quite good, and hot; no serious problems with the writing, and it conveys things well.

All I am allowed to wear is my leather collar and black high heels. I love to wear sexy shoes for you. ... You allow me to also wear a small apron

You set up a very appealing visual situation... then two lines later contradict it and make it less appealing, distinctly more mundane. Slight inaccuracy wouldn't matter; but the first impression is so striking.

Pre-emptive strike: ignore any other critic on this thread who points out that A stark contrast to your fair looks. hasn't got a verb. It doesn't need one, it's fine as is.

I look over my shoulder and see two sets of eyes watching me. I'm aching to play with myself. I know how you love to watch. I'm hoping your friend likes it too. I have the choice of either the couch or the floor. I choose to lie out on the floor. I turn around and face you as I lower myself into a kneeling position.

For a while as I'd been reading I'd been wondering whether to comment on short sentences; then I got to the above passage. Same subject, lots of short sentences. You need to knit some of them together, or it gets very jerky and distracting. Even though almost all of it is describing 'I did this... I did that...', it palls to have it expressed in the same way each time. Okay, that's a weakness, and I won't mention it again, but it applies throughout the story.

It makes me instantly horny.

Probably not, not then; previous lines make it sound like she was horny before. It's as if you're using 'instantly horny' as a shortcut for 'even more aroused' or the extra jolt of horniness that kicks in then. Rather than a quick phrase, try to describe it.

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Congrats on your first story. It was a very nice read. I agree with rainbow about the short sentences, it was a little distracting. Your descriptions are great and you get from one scene to the next smoothly and at a good pace. I only found one spelling mistake, which you can resubmit to fix if you wish.

I feels hot and heavy, shocking and naughty, not enough to hurt but enough to frustrate me. It gives me the urge to be impaled by it.

"I" should be "it"

The only other thing I might add would be that at the end you have them heading back to their drinks. Earlier you said he had finished his, so maybe you should have them head to the kitchen for refills, or just back to the table to wait on you to get them new ones.

Wonderful job, I hope to see more from you.

Wicked

 

[Rainbow Skin]

:wince: Don't resubmit to fix minor mistakes -- think of all the stories Laurel and Manu have to go through every day! (Do they have day jobs?) Just wear the mistake: it makes you look bad but it stiffens the resolve to do better next time.

Tip: When you first submit, don't press Submit, press Preview. Do one more careful proofreading of the entire story as it will actually appear on Literotica. Since it's probably a different typeface and alignment to the way you wrote it, it'll look unfamiliar to you and you'll be better able to see mistakes, than by re-reading the same Word window you're sick of. Do that, then just take your lumps if you find when it's published there are still mistakes in it.

General advice to everyone.

 

[kjtatts]

Thanks so much for the comments.
Isn't it amazing that you can read a piece so many times looking for spelling errors and STILL manage to miss a few! *bangs head on table*

I appreciate this alot. I do have a tendency to write small sentences don't I? Gives me something to work on, so thanks again!

 

[AngelicJen]

I really enjoyed your story - thankyou! And it had hell of a lot less mistakes than most. I read a read one today about somebody's first 'organism'!

What I liked about yours was the way it was in the first person and the fact that you didn't waste time with boring scene setting. The teasing helped me to get horny with your character, but maybe a bit more actual 'action' would have been good.

I disagree with the criticsms of the short sentences. The character is horny - she'll be thinking in short sentences (if that makes sense). It also fits with the fast, heavy breathing you described.

I'm looking forward to reading more of your stories so keep writing! Love Jen

 

[kjtatts]

Thanks so much for that Jen. I've never submitted any of my writing before and it's great to hear what other people think about it!