My first Story Submission to Literotica

[electrictingles]

Hi Guys,

My first story has been approved today. Would appreciate some feedback please if anyone has time to take a look.

Many thanks and all the best

electrictingles

 

[sr71plt]

toys & masturbation, http://www.literotica.com/s/sarahs-race-to-get-home

 

[electrictingles]

Thank you "sr71plt" a link would of been helpful.

 

[Combat323]

Overall, not bad. There were a few things that threw me off, but that's not hard to do.

I found this sentence a bit confusing:

Watching porn again, I've found the blowjob or cumshot videos a really big turn on which was something I used to enjoy watching but lately have been getting off on more and more.

I guess the "but" leads me to expect that the words following it will contradict the "used to enjoy watching".


Actually, the next sentence kind of confuses me too; maybe I picked the wrong day to start cutting back on coffee.

Definitely if the cum is jetting out of a thickly veined cock, or when you can, without any doubt, see that the cock sucking guy or girl is really into sucking that cock!

It's an adverb followed by an if/then statement, but the then part is missing.

Actually, the next few sentences are fragments in the same sort of way. For example, the next sentence: Being able to really see, and feel that they are absolutely loving sucking on that big cock. This part: able to really see, and feel that they are absolutely loving sucking on that big cock is really just one long adjective, so you basically have a subject (Being ______) with no predicate.

I think you could stand to delete some exclamation points, like about fifteen of them. The sentence preceding this one is not an exclamation and needs no exclamation point, unlike the true exclamation that follows: Holy crap!

It's also confusing (or maybe it's just me) when two phrases in a row are enclosed in separate quotation marks, like these two examples:
"FUCK!" "Come on! This traffic!"
and
"Finally, let's go, let's go!" "Almost there Sarah, hang on girl" (Note: missing a period there) If part of it is actually being verbalized, it should be in quotes. The parts that are Sarah's thoughts ought to be in italics.

 

[robertreams]

It is as I often say: the exclamation point at the end of a sentence does not create the exclamation, no more than the question mark creates a question (with context perhaps), the words themselves should do that. The mark (!) merely denotes the sentence as exclamatory.

 

[Katiecat]

Good descriptions, and a vivid sense of urgency, I liked that. I haven't written for this category and haven't read much in it, so it was a fairly fresh read, unfamiliar subject matter for me (one person and a toy).

I like reading stories with the little style markers that indicate a British author, just a quirk of mine.

As Combat323 mentioned, there are a lot of jarring grammatical mistakes, including sentence fragments, misused punctuation, and random spelling errors that make it a difficult read. It would also help to change up the sentence structure so the sentences don't all sound the same. For example:

"Pulling up onto the driveway I got out of the car and locked the door. Fumbling in my bag I found my door key and let myself into the house.

Throwing the bag down on the floor I kicked the door closed behind me with my boot and then ran up the stairs to my bedroom.

'Almost there, almost there.' Walking into the bedroom I wriggled out of my coat which fell to the floor behind me. Laying back onto the bed..."

You could have written something like, "Pulling up onto the driveway, I got out of the car and locked the door. I fumbled in my bag for the key to the front door. Full of impatient anticipation, I threw my bag down on the floor and kicked the door closed behind me with my boot. I ran up the stairs, two at a time, to my bedroom.

"Almost there, almost there." I chanted under my breath as I walked into the bedroom; I wriggled out of my coat, carelessly letting it fall to the floor behind me. Laying back on the bed...."

I think it could be a very good story for this category; I would, however, seek the assistance of one of the editors here.

 

[electrictingles]

Thank you

Thank you to you all for taking the time to read my story, and your thoughtful constructive criticism. Grammar and spelling has never been my strong point, and I always struggled at school and left with low grades to show it.

I particularly liked the suggestions made by Katiecat when you described how I could of wrote a particular part differently, which I thought did read better. I often know the atmosphere or the feelings I want to describe but struggle getting it on paper.

Thanks again and keep an eye out as I'm working on Sarah's next adventure.

All the best

electrictingles

 

[robertreams]

The expression is "could have" or "could've, not "could of". I probably wouldn't have mentioned it but you did it twice.

Also in the suggested rewrites I suggest going even more terse: I fumbled in my bag for the key to the front door, then tossed the bag aside, kicking the door closed in frustration. (We do not need to know he opened the car door or got out. We assume that.)