My first story "Sex Goddess"

[WoodmanStark]

https://literotica.com/s/a-visit-from-the-sex-goddess-pt-01-04
I didn't write this with any intention of showing it, but a writer still likes to get feedback. I wouldn't show it to anyone I know, so that leaves me with you internet aficionados of porn-in-written-word-form.
The original working title was "The Succubus" but browsing similar stories here I decided the title was too basic, and also the being in my work would most likely not meet the expectations of most readers looking for succubus stories.
Initially I named the man in the story David (not my name) but decided that since he's the only man in the story, he doesn't really need a name.
The overall category is "Nonhuman" but each of the four chapters fits in a different category. Chapter 1 is a Masturbation story, 3 is an Erotic Coupling, and 4 is Fetish (specifically woman-with-a-penis). Chapter 2 is all exposition and no sex, and lays out most of what the magical woman's powers are.
I posted the first 4 chapters as a unit because I wanted to include a lot of sex in the first installment. As of this writing two more chapters are conceptualized but not outlined.

 

[LWulf]

Why call it 01-04 if you call it 1-4 in story?
Consistency.
Also, it you are going to have "part titles" then why not put them next to the "part number"?

I think you write fine after that. I started some trance music as I read the story, but it didn't seem to match your story tempo. Your style of writing is somewhat sedentary, perhaps because I didn't enjoy the first 1/3 of a page which is about the main character jacking off.
It wasn't about describing the enjoyment of jacking off, but it more seems to describe the mental obsessive nature of the act.

The rest of your story seems to be likewise obsessive in nature. It doesn't really come across to me as being erotic as much as commentary about eroticism. Dealing mostly with what is on the surface.

Your character also seems to be in a state of denial. It's homoerotic. Perhaps it's not about homoeroticism, but about narcissism? You describe the succubus as suddenly sporting a cock exactly like the main characters. However, this goes back to obsession, and the nature of jacking off. It's a dream woman that has his own cock. It's interesting that he is not interested in anal sex with a woman, but wants to try being anally fucked by a woman sporting his own cock, in effect, to fuck himself, which brings me back to thinking this is narcissism.

I agree with your non-use of a main character's name; it's pointless to the story. Your writing style is fine from what I can tell. Some paragraphs got to be a little large and might have used being broken up, but that and the idea of part numbers and titles being put together is the only format suggestions I could point a finger at.

 

[WoodmanStark]

Hello LWulf, thank you for your reply.
A note on the music: "deep trance" aka "slow trance" is like psytrance but at slower tempi, around 90 to 110 bpm rather than psytrance's 130-140. Look for "Ajja and Cosmosis" on YooToob for one of my favorite examples.
Thank you for the points on my writing. I may just be weak at writing feeling and have a more cerebral style. I'll take a closer look at the porn I like to read and see how their writers present the same acts I've written about, and maybe I can work on that.
Homoerotic possibly; I self-rate somewhere between zero and one on the Kinsey scale. I don't consider chapter 4 really "homoerotic" tho' because I (and he) still see the visitor as a woman, despite her having a male sex organ. I also share my character's apathy toward butt-stuff; most women have another orifice much better-suited to receiving a penis and it even self-lubricates!
Narcissism, now - you may be on to something. This is a man who is very enamored of his own dick. Your points about why her dick is exactly like his are thought-provoking. I'll have to keep them in mind as I reread the chapter. All I had in mind was that she made hers like his because he would find it more familiar and easy to work with.
Thanks again for your thoughts!

 

[LWulf]

For reference, (I just listen to music and never paid attention to bpm). I had started with an old favorite, Robert Miles' "Fable" when that didn't work, I tried Sound Addicted's "In Between Days" which likewise seemed too fast paced to the story.

Personally, I put things into my stories that I might not personally like, but that's me catering to a subjective audience and I'm okay with writing how my characters are different from me. So a woman's butt-stuff isn't for your character because it doesn't lubricate, but his man-gina is okay??? It still seems like double standards to me.

All of this is just one persons opinions. You should get others before looking too deeply into your story.

 

[WoodmanStark]

All of this is just one persons opinions. You should get others before looking too deeply into your story.

I'd like to hear more reader's thoughts, but you're still the only one to reply here. As I write this my only other feedback is a rating of about 4.3, four users who have added it to their Favourites, and one anonymous comment: "Complete and utter shit."
(Other than that last, I think that's pretty good actually.)

 

[WoodmanStark]

More written and more to come

While I have at least two or three more chapters to write in this story (in fact chapter five is halfway drafted already), I started thinking about how the story would end, and once the ending had a shape in my mind I wrote it down. The title is "A Visit From the Sex Goddess Epilogue".
Then I wrote a prequel story featuring the human woman "Jennifer" who appears in the epilogue.
Both stories were posted to Romance last night and are pending approval.

 

[AbelBrand]

Hi Woodman, just read your story... Interesting, I liked the first section - the style felt intentionally sterile, maybe highlighting the mechanical nature of much pornography and masturbation? The later sections spin off into futa-type fantasy, which appeals to me sometimes, although the succubus's sudden appearance never really worked for me. Maybe placing the same elements into a more internally consistent fantasy world would work better, but that's just my view. Overall I enjoyed it and hope you carry on writing.

 

[Chlobo]

It had been a long and trying day

I don't know if you meant long and trying. I had to look up what a bong was. Reading this gave me an anime vibe because I couldn't get Belldandy from Ah my goddess out of my head. I have the feeling that this is a man who is in love with him self because the masterbation scene had so much preparation.

 

[WoodmanStark]

...although the succubus's sudden appearance never really worked for me. Maybe placing the same elements into a more internally consistent fantasy world would work better, but that's just my view.

I wrote this with the sole purpose of exploring personal fantasies, so the setting is what it is. This was meant as a pure stroker - once the exposition of chapter 2 was out of the way at least.
Having written the epilogue, it appears that my real fantasy is to have my every sexual whim indulged in an epic erotic blowout, and then settle down into a life with a good woman who loves me. The first half of that will never be more than a fantasy, but at least I do have the rest of it already.
One out of two ain't bad.

 

[WoodmanStark]

I have the feeling that this is a man who is in love with him self because the masterbation scene had so much preparation.

It probably doesn't help that there's really no description of this man's character - he's a blank slate to be serviced by the magical sex goddess. That was by design to let the reader project whatever they want onto him. I think I specified the size of his penis and that's all.
I actually developed him a bit in the prequel story "Jennifer", over in Romance along with this story's epilogue. He's not me but there's some of me in him, just as there's some of my wife in Jennifer.

 

[WoodmanStark]

I don't know if you meant long and trying.

I'm guessing English isn't your first language.

From Dictionary:

adjective
difficult or annoying; hard to endure.
"it had been a very trying day"