My First Story - Sci Fi, Sex Tech, Transformation, First Part in a Series

[WretchRoad]

Hello!

I'm new to erotica so I'm looking for feedback on this, my first story, and can offer in-kind feedback on any similar length story of yours. The next part in the series is pending. If it's up, feel free to offer feedback on that as well—but it's not necessary.

This is my author name, here's the story: https://www.literotica.com/s/a-soft-reboot-pt-01
It's about 3350 words.

Here's the intro so you know what you're getting into:
When a chance hookup turns into a blackout, he wakes in a strange room, on camera, watched by hundreds of strangers. The woman from the club is back, but different.
He had gone out out looking for a new warm body, now he's about to get one of his own.
One man learns what it means to cater to an audience, until there’s nothing left but what they want him to become. A forced transformation erotica with sci-fi and sex-tech themes.

Spoilers/Content Warnings:

The protagonist doesn't remember applying for an unusual job until he's reminded of an application he filled out online. He was drunk. He thought it was a joke. Unfortunately, he can't remember any of the details, leaving him with no recourse when he's transformed according to the whims of a live chat.

As a living sex doll, he's sold to the highest bidder. He will have to work out the rest of his contract in an unusual brothel.

This contains themes of: transformation, bondage, genital shrinking and expansion, forced arousal, dub-con, dollification, sex-slavery, feminization, objectification, sex-tech, voyeurism, exhibitionism, small penis humiliation, loss of control, loss of autonomy, drugs.

I steer clear of harsh language, insults and severe degradation, even though the protagonist is teased and humiliated. While this would never be okay in real life, I prefer fantasies where people are nice to each other and everyone's still having a (sort of) good time.

 

[AlinaX]

A one-sentence lead-in to a retrospective is a bit of a cheap trick. Develop the present moment before dipping back into memory.

You don't need a capital letter after a semicolon. You can, if you like, have one after a colon, which would work:

I could tell by the way she looked at me: She was mine.

Is he in the dentist's chair? Or is he looking at it? I'm confused.

Every time you write 'then' or 'begin to' or 'start to', ask yourself if you can delete it without changing the meaning.

Not a fan of:

she tauntingly grazed

(ignoring the switch to past tense)

Otherwise, kinda fun. Keep going...

 

[TheWritingGroup]

Every time you write 'then' or 'begin to' or 'start to', ask yourself if you can delete it without changing the meaning.

That's a lesson I've struggled to remind myself of (said the writer who just deleted four instances of "then" and two of "so" from a story as adding nothing). (OK, technically I removed them from one short conversation.)

--Annie

 

[filthytrancendence]

So, just off the top, not my thing (kink/genre wise) for a multitude of reasons. Still very glad I read it. It gets better the longer you stick with it. The stream chat jokes are the best part. Several got belly laughs out of me.

I think you cut the entire framing device. Just start with him in the chair (also why doesn't he just wake up already restrained?). If you feel real strong about it, start with him dancing with her in the club. No lead up, just dancing. Nothing is done with any of that characterization or background. You don't need it.

Also cut the thing about the questionnaire. Or just leave it as a vague allusion to something you don't need to explain.

I think if you just do that, it's a huge improvement.

(If you're not feeling masochistic, stop reading here...)
----------

Because I don't know when to quit, here's some other stuff you can dig into if you want (some harsh criticism warning):

• You need more separation of the chat sequences. I think it would work really well to right justify them. <right></right>. Personally I'd do extra line breaks before and after, too. Keep the bold.
• I already said cut the framing device, and I think that's the right answer for this story. But it's not just a bad idea, the execution is bad. That's worth understanding more if you want to try it again in a different story.
  • You can't just give us one line and then flash back. Doesn't work. It needs to be longer or it needs to not happen. If you go the longer route, paint a vivid picture of the room. Make it interesting. Build the mystery. Then you flash back. Or just delete the sentence and start from the top.
  • You have to start on something exciting. Him standing in front of a club talking to friends we don't know and never see again is by far the least interesting part of the story. The first interesting thing that occurs is him dancing with her in the club. That's why I suggested starting there if you feel strongly about keeping this part.
  • There needs to be a reason to use a framing device. It should alter the context of the story somehow. The best for instance I can come up with that would work with your story as written would be an ending in which you bring his friends back into it, like they came looking for him for some reason. And you used that as a punch line, like having them make fun of his new huge balls and tiny dick. So you use the framing device to explain why his friends show up in the end to come looking for him.
    • I'm not saying do this. I'm saying that, if you wanted to do this, that is a reason to use a framing device.
    • Since that does not seem to be what you want to do, just cut it.
• He's not really a character. We don't know what he wants as a person. We don't know what he needs. We don't know if what happens to him is tragic or not. Andi is more of a character than he is. The audience needs a reason to get invested in him and you haven't given us one. Doesn't have to be a complicated reason. Just, any reason. "I want bigger balls" is sufficient. Just say that somewhere up front so we know his balls growing is good, actually. Or "I wish I had a huge cock", then we know that his tiny cock is a personal tragedy, and not just a 'probably bad thing by cultural standards I guess' thing.
  • (EDIT I'm putting this in because I was a little unfair. He does have a want. He wants to be an influencer. And there's almost a tie-in from this to what actually happens to him. When Andi alludes to something good happening to him. But then that gets dropped and doesn't get mentioned again. His want and/or need must be directly tied to what happens to him, or else it is not relevant to the story.

Okay. I'm sorry that some of that was very direct and curt. I had a lot to say and I wasn't going to get it out by carefully softening the language.

I do think there's a lot of this story worth reading. You're funny. There's a few genuinely fantastic moments. There's a lot that could be improved, and I hope you will continue.

 

[WretchRoad]

So, just off the top, not my thing (kink/genre wise) for a multitude of reasons. Still very glad I read it. It gets better the longer you stick with it. The stream chat jokes are the best part. Several got belly laughs out of me.

I think you cut the entire framing device. Just start with him in the chair (also why doesn't he just wake up already restrained?). If you feel real strong about it, start with him dancing with her in the club. No lead up, just dancing. Nothing is done with any of that characterization or background. You don't need it.

Also cut the thing about the questionnaire. Or just leave it as a vague allusion to something you don't need to explain.

I think if you just do that, it's a huge improvement.

(If you're not feeling masochistic, stop reading here...)
----------

Because I don't know when to quit, here's some other stuff you can dig into if you want (some harsh criticism warning):

• You need more separation of the chat sequences. I think it would work really well to right justify them. <right></right>. Personally I'd do extra line breaks before and after, too. Keep the bold.
• I already said cut the framing device, and I think that's the right answer for this story. But it's not just a bad idea, the execution is bad. That's worth understanding more if you want to try it again in a different story.
  • You can't just give us one line and then flash back. Doesn't work. It needs to be longer or it needs to not happen. If you go the longer route, paint a vivid picture of the room. Make it interesting. Build the mystery. Then you flash back. Or just delete the sentence and start from the top.
  • You have to start on something exciting. Him standing in front of a club talking to friends we don't know and never see again is by far the least interesting part of the story. The first interesting thing that occurs is him dancing with her in the club. That's why I suggested starting there if you feel strongly about keeping this part.
  • There needs to be a reason to use a framing device. It should alter the context of the story somehow. The best for instance I can come up with that would work with your story as writtenwould be an ending in which you bring his friends back into it, like they came looking for him for some reason. And you used that as a punch line, like having them make fun of his new huge balls and tiny dick. So you use the framing device to explain why his friends show up in the end to come looking for him.
    • I'm not saying do this. I'm saying that, if you wanted to do this, that is a reason to use a framing device.
    • Since that does not seem to be what you want to do, just cut it.
• He's not really a character. We don't know what he wants as a person. We don't know what he needs. We don't know if what happens to him is tragic or not. Andi is more of a character than he is. The audience needs a reason to get invested in him and you haven't given us one. Doesn't have to be a complicated reason. Just, any reason. "I want bigger balls" is sufficient. Just say that somewhere up front so we know his balls growing is good, actually. Or "I wish I had a huge cock", then we know that his tiny cock is a personal tragedy, and not just a 'probably bad thing by cultural standards I guess' thing.
  • (EDIT I'm putting this in because I was a little unfair. He does have a want. He wants to be an influencer. And there's almost a tie-in from this to what actually happens to him. When Andi alludes to something good happening to him. But then that gets dropped and doesn't get mentioned again. His want and/or need must be directly tied to what happens to him, or else it is not relevant to the story.

Okay. I'm sorry that some of that was very direct and curt. I had a lot to say and I wasn't going to get it out by carefully softening the language.

I do think there's a lot of this story worth reading. You're funny. There's a few genuinely fantastic moments. There's a lot that could be improved, and I hope you will continue.

This is some of the best feedback I've gotten in a while. When people point out typos and grammar issues I wonder if they're too scared to say anything REAL. One is an accident, while you address what's intentional.

Honestly, thank you for reading something you obviously aren't into just to help me out. This is well-delivered critique that challenges my choices, which is what I need if I want to make better choices.

You're right, the intro is weak and disjointed. I need to fix that!
I had double spaces before and after chat sequences that got lost in formatting. I wondered if it was worthwhile to edit, and now I know: yes. Changing alignment is a great idea.

I was trying not to give the protagonist too much depth. First person perspective was about putting him on like pants or a vapid shell, why he doesn't have a name. But by trying to give him sort of motivations I just made a weak character. His motivations and how he got into the situation are much clearer in the second part. I know I know, that doesn't help this part and it's weak sauce. He should have a reason to be upset because that's more exciting. I want him to make sense, but I fought that to try to make a one-size-fits-all bullshit character.

Anyway, thanks! You're given me a lot of good suggestions to work with.

 

[WretchRoad]

A one-sentence lead-in to a retrospective is a bit of a cheap trick. Develop the present moment before dipping back into memory.

You don't need a capital letter after a semicolon. You can, if you like, have one after a colon, which would work:


Is he in the dentist's chair? Or is he looking at it? I'm confused.

Every time you write 'then' or 'begin to' or 'start to', ask yourself if you can delete it without changing the meaning.

Not a fan of:

(ignoring the switch to past tense)

Otherwise, kinda fun. Keep going...

Thanks! I missed a few things in editing. It's hard for me to find what's not underlined in the writing app, so this is helpful.

Yes, there's a lack of clarity there and the intro is weak. I need to fix that whole situation. As someone else mentioned; I should just start him off in the chair.

Yep, yep. Too many surplus bullshit words. I hear you.

Thanks for the feedback.

 

[AlinaX]

Don't bother editing Ch. 1. Just take the lessons with you into future chapters...