My first story: Red

[tragicomicnight]

This is the first story I've written for this site. I've done SRP for a couple months here, but this is the first time I've submitted a story. I'd like some constructive criticism when possible, and if you're interested in slamming what I've written, I only ask that your insults be artful and clever. "You Suck!" will not be listened to, but "your work is akin to having battery acid poured on my face and then being forced to watch every episode of the Brady Bunch." I respect a good insult when I get one. If you have compliments too, that would be nice. That being said, I know I might just get a few "you suck" comments. If you want to see what I've written, go to:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=86352

 

[English Lady]

this wasn't exactly my thing but i managed to read it to the end which says something i'm sure


I found it read well, i didn't notice anything awful in the spelling or grammar(not my strong point anyway) but i the story didn't seem to flow very well.


I found it jumped a bit, and i got lost at a few points,but nothing too major that it stopped me reading.


there was a bit about a red silkscarf being wrapped around her feet and as she was blindfolded she couldn't have known that till late. ok it excuses itself with a "i didn't know that at the time" but why add it? it seemed surplus to requirements!


anyway i'd say it was adamn good story for a first attempt! well done!

 

[tragicomicnight]

Thanks for the feedback. I checked out some of your work and was rather impressed.

 

[waterkemist]

Your first story.

Hello,


Well, you certainly can use adjectives! It is almost too much for me, but I suspect some of the female readers will like the lengthy description. It seems like you wanted to build tension in the women’s mind, or in the reader’s mind. I don’t think you quite explained why the tension was being created. Tells us why she felt the need to relieve herself.

Who is Bryan? “Bryan’s eyes lit up at the rounded treasures as he began to hold them in his hands and feel their weight.” He needs a better introduction.


Why the repetition here
“As if she would, as if she could resist the curious erotic pull of her situation “

This one is just a little long.
“She held his hand and followed him as if she were but a small child crossing the street, but of course she could see nothing but the blindfold against her eyes, taunting her in that she had no clue who the magnetic stranger who had so excited her was.”
How about, "Blindly she followed him across the street, docile like a small child yet actively drawn to the mystery and power of this stranger." Is that any better? I don't know, but think about shortening that one.

Creative use of punctuation:
“She didn’t think to shout or scream or declare she was being kidnapped, no,. she wanted this man to do whatever he desired to to her.”

There may be others too, but I’m no expert to be overly critical. If you are like me, you got aroused just thinking of the story plot and that leads to some typos and stuff.

If you want a chance to “get even” my story is: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=85074

“The Unexpected Christmas Present”
I know it is not for everyone based on other feedback, and you will see my typos too. There should be a way to fix them.

--Waterkemist

 

[tragicomicnight]

The name Bryan was used in a flashback. I didn't even need it, come to think of it. The punctuation thing was, in fact, a typo. I wish I could edit it somehow.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

You've got some problems here, not the least of which is the very un-story like structure of the piece.

A story starts with a situation, develops as the situation unfolds and tension or whatever develops, hits a dramatic climax, then falls to a resolution and ending.

You have the sexual climax coming at the start--in the limo when she masturbates--and the rest is anti-climax. The story just sort of stumbles to an close and ends where we actually expect it to just get started. She's being kidnapped: them mystery is by whom and why; what is he going to do to her. But it turns outr to be some guy we've never heard of (& why didn't she tumble to his name when the desk clerk said it?) and all he does is kiss her foot. Where's that at?

A lot of the action is simply implausible and out of left field. She's been drugged, wakes up tied up in a limo, and the first thing she wants to do is start beating off like a demented mink? Doesn't sound believable to me. Most of the stories here are fantasies, but that doesn't mean you can just have characters do whatever you want without rhyme or reason. You at least owe us an explanation of just why she's so damned excited, something more detailed than just telling us that being tied up excites her.

Also: what kind of hotel is this where a man can bring in a blindfolded woman who's just been drugged with no questions asked? And how does a man driving a limo reach back and take off someone's underpants while driving? Why does a man slip a drug into the drink of a woman he's just met at his own gallery show, a who happens to be wildly excited by being tied yp, and then manage to tie the woman up, load her into a limo, and leave his own show without being noticed?

That's not so much a matter of plausibility as it is a matter of failure to think through the story and failure to take one's own story seriously.

You know what kind of mood you want to set, but you have some curious uses of language which made me do double-takes. Succor is a verb, for example, not a noun. One doffs a hat. A bikini top? I don't know.

Here's a sample from the story:
----------------------------------
And something struck, a sensual lightning. It surged through her, and suddenly she felt like doffing the black bikini top. Bryan’s eyes lit up at the rounded treasures as he began to hold them in his hands and feel their weight. He let his thumbs roll around her hard nipples raising to new lengths and making her moan in delight. Then, he took her left breast in his mouth, suckling passionately. Then the right. Soon the bikini bottom was off and they were together on the deck. Then, he was on top of her, thrusting rapidly. It wasn’t romantic, it wasn’t gentle, but there was something beautiful and primal. It was fucking, plain and simple. Then she felt a sharp pain from the pushing. The walls of her hymen could not keep his body’s relentless assaults on them. It broke and she saw why they call it a cherry. There was a little pool of blood beneath her. Instead of panic, she felt strangely relaxed. What a mess, what a lovely little mess.
-------------------------------------
Lot of problems here. How do you "begin to hold" something? The second sentence says that his thumbs rasied to new lengths.
("Raise" to "lengths"? Don;t you "Raise" soemthing to a "height"?)
Now look at the string of sentences starting with "Then". Tedious repitition.
Worse, he's fucking away at her, primal and un-gentle, and he hasn't even broken her hyman yet? And a hymen has "walls"?

These criticisms may seem nit-picky to you, but they're not. Every word counts.

My suggestion to you is the same as what I suggest to all writers: read your ass off, and not in Lit, where only about 5-10% of the stories are worth learning from, but good short stories that have been recognized as such.

---dr.M.

 

[tragicomicnight]

Thank you for the critique, dr. To be honest, I did look over the story afterwards and noticed it to be extremely sloppy work not at all true to my writing style. I started it four years ago and set it down when I shouldn't have, finishing it in less than an hour. I should have really edited it, noting the spatial conundrum in the beginning in particular. I think it was a story that I didn't give proper attention to and besides that, I was very much out of my element in writing it. The pacing is definitely off as well. Thanks, I just started something else recently, that is more in my element. In addition to this, I thought about it today and realized that third person was not the way to go. It was indeed a substandard piece, very unlike me, and I would like to apologize to the community at large for such a lax effort. Thank you all once more. If anyone is interested in checking out the fragment of what I'm starting next to possibly help guide it along, my email is tragicomicnight@yahoo.com. Thank you.

 

[Mary Riley]

Beautiful description and wording, but I agree with English. The story did jump around alot, and to some it could be a bit confusing.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Gracious

Well, Trag, I commend you for the gracious way you took the criticism, and it's probably not necessary to tell you that if you're going to invite feedback on a story, you owe it to yourself and your readers to post only your very best work. Otherwise you waste everyone's time, yours included.

I'll look forward to seeing your better stuff.

Regards,

---dr.M.