My first story posted!

[SummerMorning]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=123039

Yes - this is one of those posts...that odd mingling of pride and anxiety when offering a little bit of creation up to critique...

Makes me feel sort of like a little boy showing his parents his new mud pie.

So please, gentle readers - be critical...

Thanx all.

BTW - the story was written for the Challenge Club originally, over at the Author's Hangout.

 

[dfm4393]

I enjoyed reading the story but did not really get the Spice Palace. If there was a detailed description of the time and setting the reader maybe able to focus on the relationship between the two storylines and not on what are the fleshmechs or pets are. Are they like kittens or are they human in form?

I did not find it the end very rewarding because you never real knew for sure that the woman Shakulu was holding a flame for was Kali. If you read it knowing that there was this teller and he lost his muse then when they were reunited it would have meant more. If the point is to leave the reader clueless to the end then the result is something that they have to have an investment in. However, I could just be a blockhead who doesn’t get it.

While I was confused by the Spice Place half of the story I found story with Kali and Mare amusing and interesting. I got a real sense of the chemistry between them. I enjoyed reading about her playful/bitchy behavior. You were able to describe the scene well enough so that could imagine it without a second thought.

 

[Omni]

I also found the story line confusing. Your basic writing is good though.

I was tantalized by things that were never fully explain. Like what were the fleshmechs, the pets, what did the spice do?

Totally lost on what these two separate stories within one story had to do with each other.


Your plot line needs work, I think the answer is still in your head. It happens to all writers. We know in our heads the whole story, but we do not get it down on paper so that the reader can "get" it also.


Omni

 

[SummerMorning]

Yes...I've heard that one before - about the story line.

You're quite right (or write ) - it's in my head, the background, the outline - but I didn't write down all of it. Which makes the thing confusing.

I'll also work on the end...when I'm done fixing, I hope you'll critique again.

Thanks for the input!