My first story posted.

[Hamilton_g]

I have recently posted my first submission to Literotica, "Chrissy & The Bikers". I thank you for taking the time to read my story and I appreciate all comments and suggestions.

I have already received several feedbacks, most of which were quite positive. A couple were very complementary, and I thank you and shall continue to try to please. One thing that surprised me, though, was that I received two feedbacks from people who seemed downright angry that my story was unrealistic in terms of the promiscuity of the characters putting them at risk for STDs. Although I am new to this site I am very well read in erotica. Am I missing something? This is fiction. Don’t a very large number of stories take place in a fantasy world in which the characters don’t worry about these things? I understand if your preferences are for more realistic stories, but why get angry? Porn is like cuisine, different people have different tastes, and there is something for everyone.

Anyway, thanks again for the feedback and story requests, and thanks for voting.

story link: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=98956

Hamilton_g

 

[lyricalcandy]

Ok I'll start with feedback ... I'm kind of writing as I read ... I'm on page 2 now ... and I may be somewhat more "distracted" then I was at the beginning ... but in the first few paragraphs, my only complaint is that you switch between present and past tense

" She was dressed in a slutty stockings-and-heels outfit she has worn for her husband. Her form-fitting blouse was made of completely see-through fishnet material.

I think the term "anal sphincter" on page 2 is a bit much ... I dunno of any type of spincter that isn't anal, so you could probably do without the adjective.

I also think you could do with another description for breasts ... there's nothing wrong with mammary flesh, but it starts to sound a little awkward after the first time ... especially in the whole biker scene, and in comparison to the rest of the language in general ...

(I can be objective and use my brain cells ... really I can!)


So now, minutes later I'm done with the story, with no further complaints.

Now ... to the negative feedback. Yes, the story is unrealistic in terms of STD's and such ... but I'm guessing the same can be said for a good majority of the stories in the Loving Wives section. You said it very well with the "Porn is like cuisine" statement ... and I'll add another one even though its totally cliche, "If you can't take the heat stay out of the kitchen." I'd say, push the angry naysayers out of your mind and keep writing what turns you on. You've already gotten some positive feedback, so you've gotta know the whole world isn't angry at you. As further encouragement, I don't usually cruise the Loving Wives category ... its not my cuisine of choice, but you still got positive feedback (and a good amount of arousal) out of me.

And now for the shameless advertisement ... I too have recently made my first story submission, so if you want to check it out, I'd appreciate it!


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=98195

Lyricalcandy

 

[janenycgirl]

Ok I'll start with feedback ... I'm kind of writing as I read ... I'm on page 2 now ... and I may be somewhat more "distracted" then I was at the beginning ... but in the first few paragraphs, my only complaint is that you switch between present and past tense

" She was dressed in a slutty stockings-and-heels outfit she has worn for her husband. Her form-fitting blouse was made of completely see-through fishnet material.

I think the term "anal sphincter" on page 2 is a bit much ... I dunno of any type of spincter that isn't anal, so you could probably do without the adjective.

I also think you could do with another description for breasts ... there's nothing wrong with mammary flesh, but it starts to sound a little awkward after the first time ... especially in the whole biker scene, and in comparison to the rest of the language in general ...
FYI: The bladder has a "sphincter" muscle as well. ;-)

 

[Chicklet]

Hey there Ham,

1st of all, your story is good. A lot of 1sts on this site are pretty terrible, bad grammar, bad spelling, dumb stories, 750 words long...your story is well rounded and you stayed away from most of the things that annoy readers. Kudos! There are some nit-picky things to look at, but as I'm telling you I want you to keep in mind that there wasn't really anything *wrong* with your story. This stuff is just my opinion, so feel free to shrug it off or store it away for future use as needed.

First paragraph:

But she knew this was not the time to hesitate, and the opportunity might not come again for a long time.

The but seemed unnecessary to me. I thought the sentence would have read better just "She knew this was not the time to hesitate..." etc without the "but"

Second paragraph:

Chrissy Easton is a beautiful, married 30-year old woman. Not only is her face lovely, but her body can turn heads.

I know that present tense seems right - she's not dead, right? She's still around, this is still her description. Unfortunately, it just doesn't read right. If I'm writing in the past tense, I use past tense to describe my characters:

Chrissy Easton was a beautiful, married 30-year old woman. Not only was her face lovely, but her body could turn heads.

More about descriptions:

I don't really like when stories start listing off descriptions. A whole description in a paragraph with not much else can get a little tedious. Your introductory paragraph isn't just listing off statistics, but it did seem like I was being given a crash-course in Crissy's life. I can't give you any real advice here except that you might want to trim it down and see if you can't make that paragraph shorter and more interesting.

Later in the page:

Chrissy walked into the biker bar called "The Road Rash" and looked around.

I didn't like the way this sentence was set up. I felt like putting the name of the place where it was sort of hurt it. If I were writing the story, I would have written more action into it:

Chrissy brushed her hair away from her eyes and took the last step into the bar. No chance to turn back now. "The Road Rash" was filled with dangerous-looking men, bikers, cocks for the hunting.

I just twisted your words to make the paragraph something more like *I* would write - my way isn't the *right* way, yours wasn't wrong, but it's different and *I* think it's more pleasing.

Later page 1:

"Well, what are you having?" as she blew out the pungent smoke.

Your dialogue is good, but this bothered me...what as she blew out the smoke? I kept looking and wondering what she was doing...I see what you were trying to do but my personal opinion is that you should have written a "she smiled" or "she grinned" as she blew out the smoke.

"Oh my, you're quite a big man, aren't you!" and she reached for her whiskey and downed it quickly, as if she might need the fortification.

Same sort of thing here.

Her dark-shadowed lids half closed, her eyes rolled up, and her long, mascara-covered false eyelashes fluttered.

This description hurt me. There was too much going on. Her shadowed lids, and then those mascara covered false eyelashes fluttering...it made me shudder in a not-so-good way, just because there was so much going on right there. Maybe you could tone it down a bit, write something more like "fluttering her heavily made eyes at him"

The brazen slut used a long red fingernail to trace the outline of his man-meat through his jeans.

"What? I don't know what you mean," the cheating wife whined.

If Chrissy is thinking of herself as a brazen slut, then you should say it like "Feeling like a brazen slut, she used a long red fingernail to trace the outline..." etc etc...if *you* the author are thinking of her as a brazen slut, then the POV just shifted from 3rd person limited to 3rd person omnipotent or whatever that one is when you're outside her body. Before now I thought of it as being from her POV, just told through 3rd person...so this distracted me.

The tip of her tongue punctuated the obscene invitation by licking his ear.

I just wanted to say that I *really* liked this line = )

Reality:

The big tool was 2 inches in diameter and at least 9 inches long, and still not fully erect.

This bothered me. I know large men *do* exist, but believe it or not the average dick size is 5 inches. I think that the biggest turn off in erotica is unbelievable sizes - huge cocks and tripleX size tits or whatever. if someone is as big around as a beer can, they ain't gettin' nowhere near this chick. You don't have to write big parts to be a good author - your story suffers from this detail.

The big tool was 2 inches in diameter and at least 9 inches long, and still not fully erect.

When you write numbers, I have a little rule of thumb. I've mentioned it to other people, and I've mentioned that I have no idea where this rule came from, but to me it makes a lot of sense. Any number under ten, write out. One, two, three...any number over ten, go ahead and use numerals. 21, 22, 23.

my personal pet peeve.

Word choices:

piss slit, dong, sphincter...these words turned me off. If all else fails you might use the clinical word, or just a simple euphamism. I don't want to read "his sex" or "her flower" but I also don't want to read words that make me want to giggle. Don't worry about using a different word each time, go ahead and use whatever's most comfortable for you, but know that the readers might have something other than a smile of delight on their face when they read "cuntal lubrication."

Okay, that's about it. Screw any possible STD's the woman might get - this *is* fiction, afterall. Maybe in the sequel she's at planned parenthood waiting for her test results since she wasn't using protection, but how sexy is it to have a woman pause between each gang bang member and say "please, can I just check the expiration date on that condom?" Your story was good. I'll bet you're getting some great feedback. Keep writing and please keep coming back to the Feedback forum.

-Chicklet

 

[Hamilton_g]

thanks for the feedback

My thanks for taking the time to read and comment. These are very helpful points. Also thanks to everyone who has read my story and voted. Many of you have written emails or private messages to say you liked the story and that really makes it worthwhile. I especially appreciate the messages and feedback from women, and the suggestions for stories. I have a new story posting in a few days with a pirate theme. Keep watching.
Love,
Ham

 

[CelticFrog]

When you write numbers, I have a little rule of thumb. I've mentioned it to other people, and I've mentioned that I have no idea where this rule came from, but to me it makes a lot of sense. Any number under ten, write out. One, two, three...any number over ten, go ahead and use numerals. 21, 22, 23.

my personal pet peeve.

Ham, I'm sorry, I haven't read your story yet, but this post by Chicklet caught my attention and I couldn't let it go without typing a resounding YES!!!

The one english teacher whose instruction I didn't immediately ignore made a huge point of this. Although she went so far as to say any number under twenty should be written out. Thirteen, Seventeen, One, Nine, are all relatively short words and require less 'conversion' in the brain when looked at among other words.

I'll go away now, and read your story a little later today when I can look at a story on screen without going cross-eyed. Looking forward to it.

Ang