My first story, please give me some feedback

[Wolfie39]

Hi All,

Posted my first a few weeks back and have been overwhelmed with surprise at how it has been so well received. Obviously, i would appreciate as much constructive critisism as you can spare.

Cheers

Wolfie39



http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=93006
(Liz's Revenge) NC

 

[Invid Writer]

Hey. Checked out your story and gave you a 5. Overall it was quite good I thought. I don't know what exactly you're looking for in the ways of feedback so I'll just ramble.

There were a few grammatical errors ("your" instead of "You're") and so forth. One word in the middle was spelled completely wrong. It looked like your fingers were just on the worng set of keys or something (I think the word was "baor" Not sure though, I didn't make a note of it.) Overall though your spelling and grammer is fine. Just four or five mistakes that stood out.

I liked how you incorporated characters that weren't completly 'Perfect.' I'm quite tired of reading about stories where every girl has DD breasts and every guy has a 12 inch dick. So kudos for that.

The story itself flowed well. THe first half didn't really have much sex in it and that's probably a good thing. You set it up so that I didn't mind hearing about Liz's life and that can be tough to do in erotic stories.

Not sure what else to say except good first story, (I'm glad it's more than 500 words) and I look forward to future stories.

Think that's it for now. Catch you later.

 

[hiddenself]

I have a decidedly different take. I found the writing very sloppy. The story idea was much better and it had some good moments.

First, technique. You have a tendency for very looong sentences:

Second para:
Liz wasn't listening anyway, she just continued to pound away with her fists in her fury at the punch bag, noting with rye amusement at how a somewhat overweight early 40's five foot nothing could possibly be causing a man the size of Daz to be clinging on so hard to the punch bag.
Liz wasn't listening anyway. She just continued to pound away furiously at the punch bag. etc.

In the third para:
Not that that bothered Liz, in fact it was going to be a definite plus with what she had in mind for later, no it was more the fact that if he had been straight she may have been tempted to seduce him rather than involve him in what she had planned.
Could you make it any longer? I know what you're trying to do. But this kind of writing needs great skill to pull off. Otherwise, it is simply annoying.

You also have trouble with punctuation before/after dialogue:

'Again Liz' Muttered Daz...
'Again Liz,' muttered Daz...

and said 'Enough, it's time for us to get ready, meet you in the reception in 20?'
and said, 'Enough, it's time for us to get ready. Meet you in the reception in 20?'

'20 it is then' he replied...
'20 it is then,' he replied...

There are myriads of grammar mistakes, such as

he could of given that share

and multiple trip-ups with possessives:
as it was her husbands
her bodies needs

including mix-ups with verb contractions:
'What your asking for...'
'Your way behind the game...'

There are awkward sentence constructions throughout:

'How soon will the divorce come through David?'
'How soon until the divorce comes through?'

The story is better. Liz's character and motivation came through pretty clearly and both David's and Tina's characters were also ok. Daz, on the other hand, was a prop. You needed a man to fuck David, so he had to be gay etc etc. Cheap and annoying.

As for: '... the first woman to strip the other naked wins...'
That must be the most awkward setup for a catfight I've seen in a long while. It was fake and forced. You essentially wrote a rape/non-consent story and the fight between Liz and Tina was too much.

The narrative was flat. Nothing grasped my imagination. The saving grace was that there was plenty of action and you sort of put it across decently.

Overall, I can't say I found any real literary gems here. It's a sloppy but straight-forward stroke story. But IMO, there are better non-consent ones in Lit. I gave it a 2.

 

[Invid Writer]

hehe. I'm gonna start calling you the grammer nazi You sound like one of my editors! (but in a good way )

You do have some good points there that I forgot to mention. I agree with the run on sentances and also there were some rather large paragraphs. One took up nearly my entire monitor screen and that's real rough when reading online or in a book.

I was sort of judgeing it on the basis of "this is my first story," so I tried to focus on the positives.

Like I said, overall the grammer didn't bother me. It wasn't bad enough to take me out of the story in any way but I think I'm a fairly lenient reader when that is concerned.

I also agree with Daz to some extent. I'm glad you didn't treat him in a stereotypical gay way. That was a big plus but right from when he was introduced I knew he was going to be the hubby's thing.

The strip set up was rather poor. I would have suggested writing it as a building argument that led to perhaps an accidental removing of a piece of clothing and then revenge. Followed by revenge for revenge and so forth. The two people just getting 'caught up in the moment.'

I thought the narrative was fine though overall. It certainly could use livening up but so can pretty much every narrative done by amateur writers.

Hopefully I don't sound like I'm changing my opinion on the story. Overall I still stand by my original comments. It managed to engage me enough for me to forget about any grammatical/spelling errors and the build up of action for the first half of the piece puts it a few steps above many 'stroke stories.'

Hopeufully this clarification message can help you understand my previous post a little better. The stuff me and hiddenself agree on I strongly suggest being aware of in future projects but as for our differeing opinions? Well both of them have merit so take them as you will.

 

[Omni]

Hi, Wolfe.

Some of this was covered well by hiddenself post also.


I showed editing stuff I thought stuck out in bold or brackets for a few here. The basic writing is interesting and with work on form, grammar, flow? A good grammar check program would help this some like in MS word ect. Looking through other critiques on site help a lot to learn form, grammar, ect.
Watch out for using runaway sentences. Double words in sentences. Repeating words throughout like (whilst) Double quotes on all talk. Decide whose point of view you are writing from. Transitions from one person thinking and talking to another with paragraphs indented. All numbers written out. Just a few hints. I only made it to the out of sync transition from Liz’s thoughts to her hubby David’s though.

Omni .

'Again Liz' Muttered Daz “Again, Liz,” Daz muttered, half his face pushed against the leather of the punch bag making the request come out more muted than intended.Double quotes around all talk. Comma before name spoken.

Liz wasn't listening anyway, she just continued to pound awaywith her fists in her fury at the punch bag, noting with rye amusement at how a somewhat overweight early forties 40's five foot nothing could possibly be causing a man the size of Daz to be clinging on so hard to the punch bag. All numbers should be written out

Bloody stupid name for man anyway I would say Liz thought but you can do it this way thought Liz. Daz, short for Darren stood a couple of inches over 6 (six) feet and had the muscles that any decent fitness trainer should have. He was blond, tanned in that sun bed sort of way, good looking and only just approaching thirty 30. He was also gay. Not that that bothered Liz, in fact it was going to be a definite plus with what she had in mind for later . Need new sentence. N No it was more the fact that if he had been straight she may have been tempted to seduce him rather than involve him in what she had planned. It also would (of) ) take out of cost her a lot less than the (five) 5K fee he had demanded on hearing her proposal.This sentence threw me some slang I never heard? Still, small beer if it worked as she hoped.

With her chest heaving from the exertion she stopped, dropped her gloved hands to her side, blew a curl of hair out of her eyes and said , ‘’ 'Enough, it's time for us to get readyperiod. M eet you in the reception in (twenty) 20?' “

(“Twenty it is then,” he replied.) '20 it is then' he replied and walked away to the men's locker room.

Liz walked quickly into the ladies changing area, unwrapping the protective bandages around her hands as she went. She stripped and picked up her towel and headed to the showers, casting a quick glance at the full-length mirrors adorning the walls. At this time of day, less than an hour before the 12am closing time the gym was all but deserted. She paused and reflected on the image she saw.
(>>>> The whole of this run away sentence needs broken up>>>) At 42 she was just beginning to run to seed as it were, although her hard work in the gym over the last few months was paying dividends it was still a middle aged woman whose image stared back at her, her brown hair sticking to her sweat plastered head was (Was dyed now leave out, having to be to) having to be dyed now to hide the grey that was there (leave out, there) at her temples, her smallish breasts were showing signs of droop but they were still topped off by thick brown nipples that David had loved to play with. The thought of her husbands (husband’s) name brought a snarl to her face. Glancing lower she saw the thickening belly and thighs and the dark curls of her pubic triangle. (Using whilst too much throughout) Whilst she had always trimmed her bush she never liked the prickly feel of the re-growth that happened on the few occasions she had tried shaving it all off so she stuck with shaving the 'bikini line' and trimming.

Ok I cut out a few paragraphs wanting to get to this part. Liz is alone. Liz is thinking thoughts about herself and life, when
suddenly we are in hubby David’s head?? You cannot really do
that.

It was not that Liz noticed anything going on immediately. In fact Tina was at Harris's for a few months before David began to really notice her. They often had to work late together and whilst, at first, it was strictly a boss employee relationship her beauty and charm wore David down until he began to look forward to their late after work sessions. He was surprised and secretly flattered when she began to respond to his mild flirting. He had never considered himself particularly attractive to women and always thought he was happily married. Certainly, with a balding head, the beginnings of a beer belly and standing only 5 foot 8 he was no Tom Cruise look alike

 

[hiddenself]

hehe. I'm gonna start calling you the grammer nazi

Thanks! I consider it a compliment.
I do tend to be extra-extra-harsh. No allowances for first-time efforts either. It's a tough world out there.

Originally posted by Omni
Double words in sentences.

Actually, single quotes were perfectly correct (used in the UK, am told). But the punctuation or lack thereof (commas, etc) was not.

FYI: How to Punctuate Like a Pro -- © KillerMuffin
http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=79818&page=1

 

[Wolfie39]

Reply to comments

Hi All,

Many thanks for the opinions. OUCH on some but i have to say, re-reading the story the points made stood out. Hmm. Back to college for a refresher in English Lit i think.

Just one point i take exception to though. Whilst i accept Daz as a charater was not well rounded or fleshed out he was not chosen to be David's partner because he was gay! More for the fact that his gayness prevented any liason with Liz (both ways). I have to say the comment implied a touch of homophobia on my part or at least a stereotyping that was not intended or meant to be implied. Please don't draw an inferance that is not there (at least i can't see one)

The general comments were great. I am already two thirds (number written please note!! ) the way through the follow up and think/thought i had a good general NC storyline that is a little different to the norm that i read on Literotica. I will have to do a lot of re-writing/amending after this i think.

Thanks All

Wolfie39

 

[Rainbow Skin]

Some more analysis.

Stick to single quotes, they're correct, but the rest of the punctuation needs cleaning up before the story can be read. I can't take in the plot if I'm constantly stumbling over missing commas. It affects how easy it is to read. Take one example:


'Listen Mrs Harris, the law doesn't work on fairness, just on rules and in the eyes of the law it is your husbands business not yours in fact he has already installed a partner. We could try to up the percentage of the share of profits from the house sale, perhaps push for a small monthly allowance..Mrs Harris are you listening?'


Some things are just conventions. By a convention I mean it's the way it's always done in books, but it doesn't crucially affect the meaning or the reading. One example is the illogical comma that closes speech. Another is the comma you need in 'Listen, Mrs Harris, ...'

But mainly punctuation is about rhythm and speech groups. Read it aloud so it falls naturally, not gabbled together in a monotone. Then you usually find you need punctuation where the pauses are, and where there's a significant change of tone. This is why you want a comma in Mrs Harris, are you listening?

And lack of punctuation often means there isn't a pause or tone change. Here's an example you didn't write:

just on rules and regulations

This is a natural group: it follows on together, so there's no need to break it up. If you had three items joined there'd be a falling intonation on each:

just on rules, regulations, and laws

The drops in intonation are marked by the commas.

So when we read just on rules and running on like that without a comma, we expect a parallel item like regulations to follow. Whereas you've got something completely different: the whole construction changes. This requires at least a comma, possibly a semicolon:

just on rules; in fact, he has already installed a partner

Here in fact is followed by its own pause, which is why a comma is appropriate after it; so the preceding break is stronger, and needs a stronger punctuation mark. That's why I chose a semicolon.

Apart from this you write fairly well, and your sentences are not too long: they just seem to be because the inadequate punctuation can't support the weight of them; and without the little marks giving us advance warning of where to breathe, or where to mentally end this piece of thought, we stumble along word by word trying to remember the logic of what had preceded, hoping we'll eventually come to a full stop.