My first story nerves

[Natural Born Eros]

I've just had my first story posted. I'm aware of a couple of things I can improve on, but I'd like to hear any other views of it, especially from more experienced writers.

Cheers, Eros

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=70201

 

[Zaudika]

Hey there.. It's a good first story.. as you said, it needs a bit of work.. but overall...you did a great job. A couple things I noticed are below....

Brushing past him,
This was confusing to me...... she'd opened the door.. they had hugged.. but she shouldn't have been on the other side of him. The thought of "brushing" past him would seem to me like she was the one coming through the door....

Just being here was turning him on, and the perfection of the weather and her body seemed to make it worse.
Just ideas on changing some sentence structure...... "Just being here turned him on, the perfect weather and her body ..(increased this feeling) .... (made it worse)..... "

I didn't cook anything too special," she said, looking over her shoulder to where he stood trying to calm down,
I'd personally drop the part "trying to calm down" .. you're describing her action in the same sentence as expressing his emotion.. try seperating it into to parts.... describe her movements, .. and then in a new paragraph describe what he's feeling.

The sex scene was great and hot, nice amounts of foreplay. You might consider lengthening the story if you wanted. Describe their dinner instead of cutting that part..... teasing hints and flirtation. Maybe also do some describing on why the situation is that his fiance'/gf is ok with him coming to see this woman.

Again..... these are just a few thoughts on things..... I'm by far not an expert on writing.
Keep it up....
-Z

 

[PaulX35]

A few comments

Hi NBE,

Congratulations with that all important first post: the plunge into the deep. Now that you're swimming, expect some water being splashed at you. Here we go

You have an attractive way of painting in the right details and yet leaving things sufficiently to the imagination of the reader. All I found in terms of factual description was that she was beautiful, and a few inches less tall than he. Among the lavish "36D&14"-details" of many other first stories yours stood out by the things that mattered. My compliments.

The basic story-idea is also nice. And it's credible. I would personally leave out the blessing of his fiancee, as it is both the least credible without additional information on why she would be so good to bless and only of minor importance to the actual line of the story.

You sort of cut the story in two pieces, which makes an attractive discontinuous time-line and furthermore saves you a bit of writing that you preferred not to add in
I would have a good look at the transition again though, since it left me somewhat confused as to how exactly things were proceeding. I quoted underneath, adding comments on stuff that left me with questions.

Sitting there, with the sun setting over the Atlantic, her bare thigh brushing against the suit he had been wearing for the conference in Boston, he knew there would be plenty of memories from this trip.

***********

Good finish; they're having dinner, they flirt and they have their thoughts. I'm there.


Stepping out of the shower, he dried quickly and wrapped the towel around himself. They had spent a wonderful evening, talking, relaxing, drinking champagne,...
I'm a guy who only showers in the morning, and I might not be alone in this, so time-wise I was in the 'morning after'.
... and he was about to go to bed,
Ah, I was wrong, it's the same night, assuming he's going to bed to sleep, which I'm not entirely sure of.
... sure that tomorrow would be the most erotic day of his life.
And now I'm confused, time-wise and otherwise. Is he alone? Looks like it, and he's pondering. They had a wonderful dinner together, agreed to see each other the next day, and he's having a few nice thoughts in anticipation.
He was just reflecting that he couldn't be any aroused when he opened his bedroom door.
If he's alone, why couldn't he, was my thought here.

Lying in his bed, smiling that sweet yet knowing smile, her hair wet from the shower and wearing a silky, sheer negligee, she was all of his dreams come true.
Hmm, seems I was wrong again. She is with him. And I'm on the verge of frustration meanwhile, and that's not the feeling of a reader you're aiming at, I think.

I think your style of writing here is good. It's the care for not confusing the reader into things you don't want him to be thinking that plays up here. I often make similar mistakes. The picture plays in your head and you write it down, unaware that the reader may not necessarily come up with the same picture you had in mind. You may want to look at this again.

I have little to comment on the erotic part of the story. It's tasteful, and it paints the particular atmosphere of an encounter like this very well. Lots of good foreplay descriptions too, a thing we need more of in romantic stories. In relation to the foreplay, I found the ending a bit abrupt, as Zaudika also mentioned. Concentrating your writing is generally a good idea, but this story would actually benefit from a little more extended finish, I think. And with your capacity to handle foreplay, I trust you to bring this story to a tasteful and hot ending.

Good luck with your writing

Paul

 

[damppanties]

Hi Eros,

My comments are a little critical, but, well, this is a critique. I hope you take them in the spirit they're intended and use it to improve your writing.

The first thing I noticed in your story was the word 'confused' in the second sentence - and then I read it all over again to see whether you meant confused.

He was nervous as he approached the front door; his heart was thumping in his chest. He'd never done anything like this, and it was confusing him.

Why was it confusing him? He might be nervous, but was confusion the feeling you were aiming for? Be careful in choosing your words. They are the only things by which you can tell the reader what you want to as closely as possible, so be sure to use the exact words.


He gasped, and almost ran towards her.

Same problem again. I know what you're trying to say here but 'ran towards her' makes it a little comical really.


Another thing I noticed was your use of the same word quite close to each other. For example: 'slowly' in the piece below -

She did not wait long. As his hand moved slowly, slowly up her thigh, he began to kiss her stomach, moving his mouth down as slowly as his hand rose. His hand reached it goal, and began to gently touch her, slowly, teasingly.

That is four slowlys in two sentences. Also saw 'passion' twice in the last two-sentence paragraph. Try not to repeat the same word in a paragraph. Keep a thesaurus handy if you have problem with this. It's a great help.


That story was a good start. Hope you improve with the next one.

Keep writing.

 

[kristydoll]

Good job on your first story - keep writing.

You have already been given some very good advice here so I will keep mine short.

First, I don't even think you need to mention the 'fiance' at all - as stated already, it causes the 'credibility' problem and there seems to be no reason to mention it. And second, flesh out your characters just a bit more - possibly even give them (or her at the very least) a name.

Otherwise, don't be discouraged - you did good!

kristy

 

[gauchecritic]

First of all I can find very very little technically incorrect; spelling grammar etc Just one missing word;

<he couldn't be any aroused. >

and a missing letter;

<he pulled he into his grasp>

However (and there's always an however) there are one or two 'style' points which it may be helpful for you to have pointed out (or not).
The time passer ****** seems to have removed a great deal of tension building action. If the two characters were such great food lovers;

<. The thing that had started them talking, he remembered, was their mutual love of food.>

then surely this was THE ideal place from which to increase the tension.

<he gasped. The bright, disco lights of the party had done nothing to improve her looks, as he had imagined>

Rather confusing, I had to read that part 3 times to make it make sense in the context.


< and he smelt the perfume>


Smelting is what happens in a steel factory

<Just being here was turning him on, and the perfection of the weather and her body seemed to make it worse. >

Being turned on is a bad thing? Perhaps the turning him on part is a euphemism for erection here and the formality of the moment is what makes it worse to be turned on, other wise;

<Just being here was turning him on, and the perfection of the weather and her body seemed to add to it.>


<looking over her shoulder>

This is an unconscious feminine signal and it works really well here.

<"I thought we could just have something simple on the veranda." .....She handed him a glass of champagne and a plate of smoked salmon and salad.>

The food thing again. The mood and tone of the peice calls for a small comparitive description here of the differing textures representing parts of either characters body/thoughts, something like;

'...a glass of champagne whos' tiny pin pricking bubbles burst across its limpid surface like his erotic thoughts across his lettuce creased mind'

or something.

<smiling coquettishly over her glass. >

Eeoo. coquettishly? Only people in romantic literature do that. Real people have mirth sparkling from beneath their irridescent lashes.

<They had spent a wonderful evening, talking, relaxing, drinking champagne, and he was about to go to bed, sure that tomorrow would be the most erotic day of his life>

So how did he come to this conclusion?



<He kissed her... they continued to kiss... they stopped kissing... his mouth, kissing... began to kiss her... he kissed her hip... He now kissed her stomach.>

There's nothing actually wrong with kissing especially in romantic erotica but use alternatives. This was the first thing that I noticed in the story. Some examples; lip-locked, twining tongues, labours of labial love, osculation, synchronising, tasting and so on and so forth.



<Now he was able to push the negligee aside, and he did so, exposing her breast.>

And he did so is redundant.

<The sexual tension, built up over two years and one wonderful evening>

I like that. V.good.


<She did not wait long. As his hand moved slowly, slowly up her thigh, he began to kiss her stomach, moving his mouth down as slowly as his hand rose. His hand reached it goal, and began to gently touch her, slowly, teasingly. She was so aroused that she shuddered, almost convulsed in ecstasy with every touch. His fingers began to circle her clitoris, and almost immediately, shouting his name, she reached her orgasm.>

This is all a bit clinically descriptive. Readers need to know how her flesh felt in his fingers, how thrilling it was for his prints to be felt on her intimate parts.

more focused upon her clit as her breathing became ragged... as her other hand reached his penis.

Clit and penis don't really sit too well in this context Clit is raunchy and penis is clinical. If you can't bring yourself to use words like cock then go for the more romantic euphemisms however trite. eg member, length, rod.

<His eyes widened and it was his turn to gasp as he was inside her for the first time. >

However romantic the tale this is the crux of any love making and to miss a more detailed description is criminal.

<This was the first time he had been able to look at her properly since he had removed her clothes, and he was struck again by how beautiful she was.>

A bit stilted and spoils the flow. This should be throwaway, something like 'seeing her fully naked her beauty stunned him once more'


<As he began to feel his own orgasm brewing inside him>

Male orgasms don't 'brew' they build or grow or accelerate.


<he pulled her off him>

Coaxed her off perhaps or slid her off even but pulled stuck out as a bit violent for their loving.

She looked surprised. As he struggled to regain his breath, he gasped.

<As his bucking stopped, and he came deep inside her, he watched and felt her come with him. >

They really don't HAVE to come together you know.

Generally, for my taste, this lacked a certain passion, I'm not really in a position to say whether it was comparable for a romantic piece but it seemed probably about right I'd imagine.

Hope this helps and that I wasn't too

Gauche

 

[Natural Born Eros]

Thanks for your help, everyone. Don't worry, no-one has offended me... yet! Hopefully the next one will be better.

Cheers,

Eros