my first story, my second anonymous feedback

[hisperfectgirl]

delete

 

[SydneyBlake]

Link please.

And ignore the trolls.

 

[hisperfectgirl]

link to the story

taken out

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I agree with your critic. Great idea, awful execution.

 

[SydneyBlake]

It could be written effectively in any voice.

But I have to admit, I glanced over it, and quickly remembered why I avoid Nonconsent(Rape). I thought your writing quality was good, though. I would have enjoyed it more if that wifey had, too. That's just me.

Also, you probably should have posted this in Story Feedback.

 

[hisperfectgirl]

oh.

delete

 

[Stella_Omega]

I can see why you might write with such a disengaged feeling.

I have a great love of language, grammar, the right choice of words. I deeply detest it, speaking personally, when a woman is shaking her head no no no, and people call her a "whore" anyway. The correct word is: "victim," and the point of the story shifts, IMO, to the fact that these onlookers are lying to themselves.

But that's just me.

 

[Dual_Triode]

Well, I disagree with the suggestion to use first person POV. I think third person omniscient is the best way to tell this story. Even though non-consent/gang rape is not my kink, I thought the story was well told and technically well written.

This is a good effort. Keep writing!

 

[lovecraft68]

I can see why you might write with such a disengaged feeling.

I have a great love of language, grammar, the right choice of words. I deeply detest it, speaking personally, when a woman is shaking her head no no no, and people call her a "whore" anyway. The correct word is: "victim," and the point of the story shifts, IMO, to the fact that these onlookers are lying to themselves.

But that's just me.

I'm glad I saw your remark. I was going to blunder into this story. Thanks Stella.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

I glanced over your story...it was well thought out and doesn't need to be in first person POV. Third works just as well if not better.

It may have something to do with your formatting...Dialog...narration...should be separate, usually. Yours was commingled and a difficult reading.

Other than that what I did read was fine...except the '(' threw me off.

 

[sr71plt]

...and the difference between a 1-star rating and a 5-star rating.

finally submitted a story, then checked one last time to see if it was approved, and it was, and the ratings were 3 votes with a score of 1.33 -- whoa, bummer, so I went to bed. what are the things that people base their 1-star and 2-star ratings on? it's kind of a mean story, but it's in non-consent.

there has been more positive voting and feedback since then, and now I'm trying NOT to check the numbers every 5 minutes (good thing I'm not at work!)

here's the feedback:
-------
Yours is a great idea but you REALLY should have written in first person. This could make for a 5-Star story, instead it's a one. You're a decent writer. Try this one again. Good luck!
-----
awww... couldn't they have given me at least 3-stars for a great idea and decent writing?

but -- which first person could they mean? the husband? the director? the second-string cameraman who wants to be video artist but they just want him because he's got this really huge cock, and he's nursing a long-held grudge...?

All I can say with any certainty is that the first comment didn't come from Elfin.

 

[CarlusMagnus]

It may have something to do with your formatting...Dialog...narration...should be separate, usually. Yours was commingled and a difficult reading.

I suspect it has a great deal to do with these, and related, things. For example here is a single sentence from your piece:

Another man, a different man, (the husband can hardly breathe, he has been counting how many men would be in her, he has paid for each man), a fully-clothed man kneels behind her, lifts her hips, exposes her bottom part to the camera, it is a long-held shot, the camera shows her to the subscribers, they can see where she can be fucked, the clothed man moves her gently, pulls her open for the camera, she is complying, hoping he will be satisfied, hoping this is the end, hoping that by doing what they want, she can find her clothes and go home, home for a long, long hot shower.

That's one "sentence" of 112 words. Actually, it's a run-on---several sentences, that is, that you've glued together with commas. If we throw out the parenthesis, which is itself a three-sentence run-on, there are still 90 words and multiple sentences remaining.

It seems clear to me that you're trying to convey the confusing rush in which things are happening to the victim, but you have to find ways to do that without confusing your readers.

There are good reasons for the rules of grammar and punctuation. There can also be good reasons for breaking those rules, but if we want to break them, we have to know the reasons for the rules and how to break them effectively.

The story can probably be well told from any of several of the voices others have mentioned; I don't think that's the issue. The issue is the more technical one of punctuation and grammar.

If I were a fan of the non-consent genre, and if I gave them, this would've gotten a 3 from me. And I would've commented that the score was owing to sloppy writing.

 

[hisperfectgirl]

listening to everybody

delete

 

[GinaTina]

Publishing where there are so many varied readers is a brand new experience.

The ebb and flow of online commenting can be intense. One second I'm exhilarated, the next I'm crushed. Three hours later, I realize the most important thing I may learn here is how to handle criticism.

Last night, I was going to stalk away from it all.

Earlier this morning, I was going to personally address each perceived wrong and explain my position in unassailable prose.

Now I'm just going to stick around and see what happens next. I really do appreciate the time people have spent commenting.

Writers need thick skins. If I let criticism crush me, I'd never write again. In fact, I think a lot of what writing IS is accepting criticism. Instead of letting it bother you; rise to the challenge it presents and keep going.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

George V. Higgins wrote a fun book about the writing business. There are more rich football players than rich writers, there are more members of Congress than rich writers, there are more popular actors and singers and everything than rich writers.

On top of that editors and publishers dont know shit about good writing. Higgins says Maxwell Perkins was the only editor in the history of Earth who knew good writing and paid his writers fairly. For most, editing is just a grind like book-keeping. Publishers all inherited the business and would rather by playing golf.

 

[CarlusMagnus]

Now I'm just going to stick around and see what happens next.

Good for you!

Keep writing. Read and digest the comments. Evaluate them against what you're trying to accomplish and forget about the ones that aren't helpful.

 

[Tarakin]

Not all criticism is valid either. Try to see what is good and learn from it, try to ignore trolls, try to ignore one-bombs. Learn, learn, learn and practise, practise, practise. It's hard sometimes, but its worth the effort

 

[Dragonlipz]

HPG - I find it very useful to imagine the action /dialogue in my head as inspiration works it's magic.....

 

[autoplot]

Don't let it get you down. Dust yourself off and keep writing.

 

[Nina21]

It is a decent idea, but the way you have written it doesn't flow. It's difficult to read, and difficult to enjoy when everything is so... detached.

Everyone is nameless, and no one is really described except in terms of having a large cock, and the next guy has an even larger cock, and the next guy has an even LARGER cock which makes it highly unrealistic (though I appreciate, it's erotica and it's fantasy).

I think it's something you could fix easily with a few tweaks though, you write well enough.

 

[hisperfectgirl]

thank you for taking the time to comment

delete

 

[Pure]

it's one of those (for many if not most), NON-erotic sexual degradation tales, which does have some story elements and, perhaps, a macabre 'point.'

its execution (writing technique) is somewhat unpolished and definitely unpruned. i personally prefer spare prose, and while that's sometimes the case, here, the impression is often wordy, sometimes even Fanny Hill-ish (ornate, pornishly overdescribed).

She is being positioned over, then forced down toward the sitting man's hard cock. He guides it into her ravaged pussy, then leans back and begins moving with long, slow strokes.


if the intent is macabre, spare would surely be appropriate throughout, for this tale.

(see the small published (IRL) tale, the image by 'berg' iirc, for an example of 'spare.' also, of course Selby, Last Exit.

here is one example of 'fat' and/or wordiness:


He had looked at the pictures over and over, he had picked the guaranteed positions in which his wife would held. He had picked the sequence of the positions and he had picked the number of men. He had looked at the pictures for months and months before he finally punched the phone number and had spoken, enthralled, to the beautiful secretary.

the VERY next para describes his conversations, over Skype, with the woman taking the order. he said. she said. that's fine, and every detail is not needed, to get the chilling point that hubby ordered the specifics. surely, then, the above account is entirely superfluous.

i see nothing wrong with 3rd person here, and it raises the bar on the writing (with mixed results as i've said above). if anything, i'd encourage you to get LESS into the woman's mind (see Reage); let her actions, including body movements, moans, etc. speak for themselves.

 

[hisperfectgirl]

Specific examples really helpful -- thank you

delete

 

[hisperfectgirl]

Thank you for the encouragement

delete

 

[Bramblethorn]

After I posted my first story, I had a lot to learn about feedback and ratings. I was bummed to see a bunch of "1" ratings and asked about them here. I also had questions about feedback.

The responses were encouraging and informative. Most helpful was the advice to break up the run-on sentences. I recently posted another story (with much shorter sentences), which is doing well in Erotic Couplings.

http://www.literotica.com/s/a-hard-boss-is-good-to-find

While re-reading the comments, I was reminded how supportive and helpful many people were. Thank you so much for the encouragement.

h p girl

I'm late to this thread, but I didn't have a problem with the run-on sentences; I felt they were intended to convey that the woman was overwhelmed by the experience, and it achieved that purpose. Apparently other readers felt differently. I guess the moral is, don't expect to please everybody.

Anybody who says they've given you 1 star instead of 5 because you wrote in third person is a troll. Pay them no mind.