My first story: Mandate

[Priscilla_June]

Hello all!

I just joined here not but a week or so ago and I as of this morning have my first published story. I am still reading a lot of the material here and trying to keep up with the forums, so I am not entirely sure of what is expected or what is “good”. Though I am of course tempering myself that I am writing for me and not necessarily trying to please others lol.

Anyways I’d love to hear any thoughts on Mandate. It us a sci-fi/fantasy story, with a bit of non-con and breeding to it (as a forewarning to those who may not be inclined).

Thanks so much

https://www.literotica.com/s/mandate

 

[TheRedChamber]

A very good first story. A good length, and an intersesting premise. You centainly shouldn't be worrid about expectations of 'goodness'.
I don't have a lot of criticism with it, but my main issues was some of the language. Although you're trying to create a specfic atmosphere sometimes the language is a little bit too purple (by which I mean too many uncommon words too close together) and sometimes doesn't quite work as intended - some examples...

1) The first spoken sentence 'To the gods see our triumph!' looks grammatically wrong or at least needs punctuating differently.

2) "Standing above him, tall and strong in victory, the lizardman could only basque in his opponents visage during the last moments of its life." - firstly it should be bask, but 'bask' is only for something good and shouldn't apply to the lizardman?

3) "Other females around them bemoaned the sight of their sisters at the end of such appendages." Bemoaned here sounds like they're going to write an angry letter to the local newspaper.

4) It's probably unintentional and I'm being immature, but with the phrase "queer feeling", I couldn't help but be reminded of the old Simpson's line "Nelson kissed a girl. That's so gay!"

 

[Priscilla_June]

A very good first story. A good length, and an intersesting premise. You centainly shouldn't be worrid about expectations of 'goodness'.
I don't have a lot of criticism with it, but my main issues was some of the language. Although you're trying to create a specfic atmosphere sometimes the language is a little bit too purple (by which I mean too many uncommon words too close together) and sometimes doesn't quite work as intended - some examples...

1) The first spoken sentence 'To the gods see our triumph!' looks grammatically wrong or at least needs punctuating differently.

2) "Standing above him, tall and strong in victory, the lizardman could only basque in his opponents visage during the last moments of its life." - firstly it should be bask, but 'bask' is only for something good and shouldn't apply to the lizardman?

3) "Other females around them bemoaned the sight of their sisters at the end of such appendages." Bemoaned here sounds like they're going to write an angry letter to the local newspaper.

4) It's probably unintentional and I'm being immature, but with the phrase "queer feeling", I couldn't help but be reminded of the old Simpson's line "Nelson kissed a girl. That's so gay!

Thanks for the feedback, I guess i more-so strive for a specific sort of language, like you said an atmosphere, I can kinda see where that backfired haha I like the term purple xD so ill deff work on that, try to keep it more true. I think too many times I try to go with what sounds good and “close enough” to what I was trying to convey.

 

[Mastered_again]

I liked the story and, as TheRedChamber stated, an interesting premise. A good first story.

I can understand that you're creating a special language for your characters, so I wouldn't change that aspect. However, the narrative surrounding the dialog should be more conventional, with greater care given to word selection and the descriptions of the events.

Keep writing and take what we say with a grain of salt. As you say, write for yourself, not to please others.

 

[Priscilla_June]

I liked the story and, as TheRedChamber stated, an interesting premise. A good first story.

I can understand that you're creating a special language for your characters, so I wouldn't change that aspect. However, the narrative surrounding the dialog should be more conventional, with greater care given to word selection and the descriptions of the events.

Keep writing and take what we say with a grain of salt. As you say, write for yourself, not to please others.

The fluffy language has always been a bad habit of mine hehe so I’ll try and tame it a bit. I appreciate the advise

 

[Mastered_again]

The fluffy language has always been a bad habit of mine hehe so I’ll try and tame it a bit. I appreciate the advise

Fluffy language. My wheelhouse! I have to constantly fight the urge, but it still makes editing a bit masochistic.

 

[Priscilla_June]

Fluffy language. My wheelhouse! I have to constantly fight the urge, but it still makes editing a bit masochistic.

Indeed, and of course I end up with the meaning being off, all those ladies are certainly writing to their news paper bemoaning how their sisters hung on appendages! LOL

 

[Mastered_again]

Indeed, and of course I end up with the meaning being off, all those ladies are certainly writing to their news paper bemoaning how their sisters hung on appendages! LOL

I've never bemoaned an appendage. Moaned, yes, bemoaned, NOT

 

[Priscilla_June]

I've never bemoaned an appendage. Moaned, yes, bemoaned, NOT

Well its other ppl bemoaning the appendage thats not for them