My first story is up...

[Dreamvigil]

And I could use some constructive criticism. This isn't really a story but a detailed account of fantasy of mine, so "where's the plot?" is going to be ignored. I'm more curious about what others think of the content rather than the format of my story. This is just the first thing I've written that I feel confident enough about to submit to Literotica.
Before you say it; I know, I know...SHORTER PARAGRAPHS! Anything else? Oh and one other question... Does this post belong here or in the story feedback section of the board? I decided on putting it here because I'm more interested in the average author's opinion rather than the average reader.

EDIT: forgot the link... well here it is: http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=256138

Dreamvigil

 

[Guest]

Put it in third person. So many people don't do this for their first stories (including me) but they should. It's difficult to read a story that tells you specifically what "you" are doing or are supposed to be doing.

First Person, Second Person, and Third Person Pronouns
Personal pronouns can also be divided into three groups called persons.

1. First person is the person speaking:
I, we
me, us
my, mine, our, ours

2. Second person is the person spoken to:
you, your, yours

3. Third person is the person or thing spoken about:
he, she, it
his, her, hers, its
him, her, it
they, them, their, theirs

Yours:
We'd meet secretly at my apartment, with my roommates conveniently out of town. I'd invite you inside, and then immediately kiss you once, twice, thee times, very softly on your lips. I then take your hand and lead you to the couch, and sit down next to you, and kiss you once more, this time deeply, passionately, until we are both a bit out of breath.

Mine:
They met secretly at his apartment; luckily his roommates were conveniently out of town. After he invited her inside he kissed her softly, once, twice, and then three times on her shy mouth. Then he took her hand and led her to the couch. After sitting next to her he kissed her once again, this time deeply, passionately, until they were both out of breath.


Remove the ellipses. (. . . ) Generally, a period should suffice.


I really like the story, and I love your sexy details. The average reader doesn't care if it is true or fantasy, really.


If you don't want to change all the tenses and pronouns to put it into third person you could probably take the paragraphs and make conversation out of them.

Here's an example:

Yours:
"OK.. let me see, If we were to meet in person, what would we do???"

If it were totally up to me? Well, that's all I can really answer, being that I can't read your mind and I'm sure you would have ideas of your own. But left up to me to decide, here's what we would do...

Mine:
"OK, let me see," she said. "If we were to meet in person, what would we do?"

"If it were totally up to me?" He grinned broadly as he pondered that thought.

"Well," he finally continued, smile still in place. "I can't read your mind and I'm sure you have your own ideas. But if it was left up to me to decide, here's what we would do."

You should enlist the aid of an editor - there are many around here. Your thoughts are well-organized and your story is sweet and sexy. Just needs a bit of tweaking grammatically.

Well done - good luck!

 

[kendo1]

Seconded.

You could do with an editor. ( Don't take this the wrong way! Just my humble opinion.) For instance:

...grasped with your fingertips... - doesn't sound right.
You would grasp with your hands.

A few slips that someone else would pick up. A case of not seeing the wood for the trees. We all do it. Apart from Shanglan, of course.

The story is not too long that an edit to change the tense is too time consuming. Personally, I think a tense change is advisable. But that's just my opinion.

Ken

 

[AsylumSeeker]

I have to agree with the others. I tried this style of writing before. Tellling the reader how they act/feel may be fine for a few, but not for most. Bur you have great form.

I'd be willing to help you write, PM me if you're interested.