My first story is on Literotica...yay!

[huktaunluv1]

Please, I would love to receive feedback on what I've written so far. Stop in and read 'Aaron's Dilemma' and let me know what you think.

 

[PennLady]

Please, I would love to receive feedback on what I've written so far. Stop in and read 'Aaron's Dilemma' and let me know what you think.

Congratulations on your first story posting, and good luck. If you'd like people to read it, you'll increase your chances by posting a link here. You may have a link already in your sig, but many people (including myself) opt not to view sigs.

 

[sr71plt]

http://www.literotica.com/s/aarons-dilemma-ch-01-1

 

[huktaunluv1]

Congratulations on your first story posting, and good luck. If you'd like people to read it, you'll increase your chances by posting a link here. You may have a link already in your sig, but many people (including myself) opt not to view sigs.

Thank you, PennLady! I'm hoping people will give it a chance.

 

[huktaunluv1]

http://www.literotica.com/s/aarons-dilemma-ch-01-1

Thank you for doing this, sr71plt! I was so nervous that I'd forgotten to do it myself.

 

[PennLady]

I just read it and so far I think it's fine. You're kind of walking the edge of Lit's rules against underage sex. You've specified twice that your narrator isn't eighteen yet, but then again, no sex took place. I'd watch that.

I found the dialogue got on my nerves a little bit, with all of the "ya" and "goin'" and "doin'," but that's just me, and it certainly wasn't an impediment to reading.

 

[sr71plt]

The thin line is the question of what represents having sex, but this one didn't seem to test that edge much. I presume the ensuing chapters will push him over the age line as well as the "having sex" line. An interesting approach. I'll read it more closely, but only after it claims to be finished.

 

[JKendallDane]

Welcome to the "I've been published!" gang. Always good to see another new author contributing to GM.

You have a very good start and great plot build up, but as mentioned above, be very careful with the age 18 issue. The wiggle room is even more constricting than a pair of too small Speedos.

I will look forward to seeing the next chapters.

 

[huktaunluv1]

I just read it and so far I think it's fine. You're kind of walking the edge of Lit's rules against underage sex. You've specified twice that your narrator isn't eighteen yet, but then again, no sex took place. I'd watch that.

I found the dialogue got on my nerves a little bit, with all of the "ya" and "goin'" and "doin'," but that's just me, and it certainly wasn't an impediment to reading.

I tried to be weary of that but that's how everyone I know in South Hill speaks. My family in general tend to drop their 'g's when they talk. It's a colloquial thing in that aspect. However, I'm glad it didn't throw you off too much

 

[PennLady]

I tried to be weary of that but that's how everyone I know in South Hill speaks. My family in general tend to drop their 'g's when they talk. It's a colloquial thing in that aspect. However, I'm glad it didn't throw you off too much

You might want to be careful of setting things too close to home, as this thread mentions: http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=998031

Also, trying to literally show how people speak doesn't always work. I think with me -- just me I'm speaking for here -- what happens is after a while I think, "I get it already. I don't need to constantly see the dropped G's or y'all or whatever, I get it."

I've read many books where for example, a character has a southern drawl, but the words are not always written as such. Maybe a couple, and then the author describes the drawl (soft, hard, whatever), and from then on, I have it in my head even without the words being written as pronounced.

Also, not to harp too much, but if you didn't already know (and it sounds like you do), Literotica has few rules, but one is no underage sex. That means, according to Laurel, who vets the stories, no one under 18 can be involved in a sexual situation, whether watching or participating. Now, this doesn't mean you can't say something like, "He lost his virginity in high school," but you can't describe it in detail.

As I said, you're edging up against that, especially with stating two times that your narrator isn't eighteen yet. So just be careful as the story goes on that any more explicit sexual situations take place after he's eighteen.

 

[huktaunluv1]

You might want to be careful of setting things too close to home, as this thread mentions: http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=998031

Also, trying to literally show how people speak doesn't always work. I think with me -- just me I'm speaking for here -- what happens is after a while I think, "I get it already. I don't need to constantly see the dropped G's or y'all or whatever, I get it."

I've read many books where for example, a character has a southern drawl, but the words are not always written as such. Maybe a couple, and then the author describes the drawl (soft, hard, whatever), and from then on, I have it in my head even without the words being written as pronounced.

Also, not to harp too much, but if you didn't already know (and it sounds like you do), Literotica has few rules, but one is no underage sex. That means, according to Laurel, who vets the stories, no one under 18 can be involved in a sexual situation, whether watching or participating. Now, this doesn't mean you can't say something like, "He lost his virginity in high school," but you can't describe it in detail.

As I said, you're edging up against that, especially with stating two times that your narrator isn't eighteen yet. So just be careful as the story goes on that any more explicit sexual situations take place after he's eighteen.

I'll try to be more careful with the sexual aspect next time. As for the dialogue. I'll take your suggestion into mind. Thanks for your input.