My first story, how is it?

[CrashOverride]

i just want to get some feedback on my story. please, any feedback would be nice, as long as its constructive, not "your a big stupid head." here's the link:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=89071

 

[DarlingNikki]

OK, you did say “any feedback,” right? Anyway, this is just my opinion, nothing more.

I could tell you put a lot of effort into this story and that’s very commendable. The mechanics are fine. One thing I really liked about this story is the fact that the characters don’t immediately jump on each other, which is something I hate to see in a high school story. Your characters spent a lot of time having lunch together before they hooked up, which was very realistic.

The writing in the beginning is a bit choppy, but it really smoothes out once you get into it. It seemed like maybe you wanted to get the introduction out of the way so you could get to the part you really wanted to write. Maybe I’m wrong about that, but if it’s true, you might want to keep this in mind: if something is tedious for you to write and you want to get it over with, it’s going to be equally tedious for us to read and we are going to want to skim it (if we don’t back-click).

On the other hand, realism-wise, there were a lot of things that tripped me up with this story, particularly since it seemed like you were putting a lot of effort into making everything seem so natural. Now these are fairly small things, but if as I’m reading I stop and think, “wait, that would never happen,” or “but that doesn’t make sense,” then I don’t get into the story as much.

"Matt was finally going to be able to get a car, a hand down from his parents, but he had to get a job over the summer to pay for insurance, which took up all of his mornings. After that, he would have practice, which would last till eight at night, and by then it was all he could do to keep from falling asleep on the bike ride home."

Here, for example, I sat back and thought about this for a while rather than being excited to read what happens next. This is an eighteen-year-old kid with a part-time job and football practice and it wears him out so much that he can’t even manage to call the girl that he’s described as “an angel from above” with “the most perfect hips you could ever imagine” etc.? Maybe he should get his thyroid checked. And if this schedule is too much for him, how did he handle school all day and then football practice during the fall and winter?

"He kept his eye out for Liz, but could never find her. He talked to a few of her friends, and they gave him the same story. But, Matt was persistent and kept his eyes open and his ear to the ground."

OK, why couldn’t he find her? It’s not enough that they didn’t have classes together. He had her phone number over the summer and he didn’t go anywhere. If he liked her so much, wouldn’t he have put it in a save spot? Doesn’t he know where she lives? He talked to a few of her friends and they gave himwhat story? Wouldn’t they just tell her, “Hey, Matt’s looking for you”? Wouldn’t she be with her friends sometimes? Doesn’t he know where she eats lunch? How big could this high school campus possibly be?

And then he finds her finally and “that’s how it all started”? Didn’t it “all start” last year?

Anyway, the writing really improves around this point and becomes a lot smoother and nicer to read.

The feather and petals thing. Now I think it’s GREAT that you came up with something so unique and broke out of the formula. It was interesting and it made me want to keep reading.

But… I have to say, I had a hard time believing that some high school kid came up with that, and an equally hard time believe it worked for more than one high school girl. I realize there are plenty of girls who discover their sexuality early on and have no problems (especially in erotica, or what would be the point of it?) But in reality, it’s not so easy for girls that age to have orgasms, and certainly not from the “pressure” of a flower petal on the clitoris and a feather tickling their thigh. I also had a hard time believing that someone could blow petals with such precision that they travel up the torso to land directly on the nipples and stay there.

Maybe you can do this. Maybe it happened to you. I’m not saying it’s not possible, I’m saying I couldn’t believe it. As a writer, you want to find the spots in your plot that the reader might not be able to buy and give them a way to buy it. Or you can make the whole thing so ethereal and dreamy that we understand we’re supposed to suspend disbelief and just enjoy the prettiness. But you put so much detail into lunch schedules and trips to Subway for a sandwich that I can’t do that here.

Anyway, as I said, it’s all just my opinion. And I wouldn’t have gone on and on like that if I didn’t think this story had potential, especially since it's your first story. I thought it had a nice, sweet, reminiscy, feel and if the unbelievable parts were tightened up it could be really nice. Keep writing.

I hope this is helpful.

Nikki

 

[reohoko]

feedback...

I like the story... it is very nicely written

I would say, every story needs more fumbling between new couples It's hard to find a pattern that fits, and if by miracles of all miracles you do.. in the first try.. the heaven's never do shine more brightly
I agree, beginings are very tedious and hard to write, I like flashbacks *giggle nm

HUGS HUGS HUGS
Reo

 

[CrashOverride]

DarlingNikki, thank you for such an insightful post. and yes, there were some, actually many, choppy parts. its not that i was trying to rush, its just that there were so many details i was trying to cram into just one small introduction. in case you were wondering, yes this did happen to me, and yes i am that precise with the petals. but also, no, we are no longer together. and i know that if you didnt see potential, you wouldnt have put so much thought into your reply. for others reading this.... please, send me of a reply of any kind. e-mail, a message post, a pm, anything. i want to get the opinons of many different people so i can become better with this craft.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I couldn't finish the first page. I got very confused and frustrated for a bunch of reasons.

First of all: why do we have this entire history of their relationship when it doesn't seem to have any bearing on the rest of the story? I mean, we have this whole business about their meeting in chemistry and then she goes away fro the summer and forgets all about him. Their real relationship doesn't start until the fall, so why did we just read all this stuff that's basically irrelevent?

Then they made some bet about his not kissing her until the dance. Okay, maybe stuff like this really goes on in real life these days, but it was awfully hard for me to swallow. The bet business was hard to understand because you had large chunks of dialogue with no attribution, i.e. no "Matt said", or "Laz said", so the only way to keep track of who was talking was to count up to the last attribution statement.

So maybe I missed something, but from what I understand he can't kiss her but he can take off her bra "honorably"(?) and bring her to orgasm. I don't get it. And what could possibly be her motivation for betting that if he kisses her she'll do whatever he wants on prom night? I mean, is she as pure as the driven snow or is she a total slut?

One of a writer's biggest jobs is to decide what to put in to a story and what to leave out. I kept on looking for an explanation of what attracted them to each other in the first place, which you never tell us. He thinks she's gorgeous, okay, but that seems to be all we hear about motivation. These are very flat, undeveloped characters, and in the end that's what made me lose interest.

---dr.M.

 

[CrashOverride]

thank you, yet again

the insightful replies and suggestions are great. i thank you all for your help. dr. m, i hope that you might be able to get through the intro. just once in order to get to the "meat" of it, so to speak, and let me know what you think of my erotica. i would appreciate more feedback. tell me what you would like to see, anything. the creative jucies are flowing....

 

[lovechild27]

For a first story i say bravo! Good job. I like the relationship development, although it did get a tad confusing. Good descriptions too!

 

[silversword]

I have to say congratulations on your first story, my first story is currently pending and I will post a thread once that is up.

I don't believe in anything other than honest feedback, I will expect nothing less when my first is posted.

I enjoyed the story, it was a good idea, an unusual alternative to the usual sex act. I doesn't however read easily and I had to often stop and think about where the story was at.

There is also long introduction which does not really entice, unlike the Dr I did not give up otherwise I do not feel it is fair to post a responce. Perhaps if you include more stimuli, the story lacks your feelings and desires it also lacks senses sight, smell, touch, taste... for example what it felt like to touch her skin, how it made you feel etc. these are the things that will also stimulate your reader.

Anyway don't loose heart, and I am sure you will consider all these things, and those mentioned above when you submit your follow up.

Good luck,

Silver

By my Heart, my Honour and my Sword.