My first story. Feedback please

lick4her

Experienced
Joined
Apr 6, 2003
Posts
33
I've never written a story before. You're feedback is appreciated.

It was about midnight and I decided to take my dog out
for his last walk of the day. On the way home from
the hockey game, since my wife was out of town,
I'd stopped at the video store and
purchased a little evening viewing, Oral Fixation 4,
which I just let run while I took the dog out.

After Duke took care of business I came back into our
apartment building, there waiting for the elevator was
my next door neighbor, Nicoletta so I said hello.
She's late 20's, single, and very cute, very petite,
and Romanian.

We made small talk then got to our apartments and I
opened my door first and she could hear noises from
inside -- people enjoying themselves noises. Nic
looked at me funny and I said, don't worry, Danielle
is away for the weekend and I picked up a movie to
entertain myself. She nodded, started to walk away,
then turned around -- "One of my ex-boyfriends always
wanted to watch porn with me but I never would, would
you mind if I borrowed that tape sometime? I'd like
to give it a try -- on my own."
Before I knew it, I'd said "Well you're welcome to
come in and watch it with me." And immediately, I
thought oh no. But she started walking back my way.
As soon as we walked in there was a huge guy doing
a girl doggie style. Nicoletta watched the screen
transfixed. Then then zoomed in and she said "No guy
is really THAT big." and as an afterthought -- "and
it's too bad they aren't."
About that time, I was hoping she wasn't looking in
my direction -- or my crotch's direction. Next they
showed this guy going down on his partner and her
screaming in pleasure. Nic said "Just once, I wish I
could find a guy who could make me orgasm that way.
Karen [my wife] is lucky, sharing a wall sometimes I can hear
her scream. You must have a skilled tongue."
With that they went back to the girl sucking the
guy off -- the movie was titled Oral Fixation, until
the scene ended in the standard opened mouth facial
cumshot.
Nicoletta looked at me, then at my pants this time.
And I saw her eyes get big. Then she moved from her
chair and parked herself, kneeling, between my legs.
"Look, it's been a long time for me. And clearly you
were horny tonight or you wouldn't have rented this
video. So why don't we forget the rules and just have
some fun" all as she unbuckled my belt.
Who was I to object, and as she unbuckled my belt
and slid my pants down, my erect cock popping out of
my boxers, she said "Oh my god. Maybe they do make
them that big for real. This might not fit."
"Oh, it'll fit", I said. "Why do you think I have
to lick Karen so much?"

She licked and played for a bit, then I pulled her
up to me. I started unbuttoning her top as we
kissed. Then I said, "Look, this is a one time,
forget-the-world thing. So here's what I want to do.
I want to do anything you want, anything you've ever
imagined or fantasized. Just tell me and we'll do
it."
I heard her utter a "my god" but I couldn't tell if
it was from what I'd said or my hands lightly making
their way from her breasts to that perfect spot just
above the belt line on the stomach that has a direct
connection to the clit. Then a "this is going to be a
fun night."
"Okay, anything?", she said. "I've only ever been
my two guys, my old college boyfriend, and this guy I
dated last year. But there a lot I've dreamed about."

"Let's start at the top of your list" I said, then
moved my mouth to her right breast. Licking and
sucking all around before finally lightly flicking my
tongue over her nipple.
Between gasps she said "Ive always wanted a lover
to talk dirty to me. Say anything, tell me what you
want, tell me how I make you feel. And I've always
wanted to talk diry in return."
"Good, I've wanted to tell you how long I've wanted
my big cock in your tight little pussy for a long
time. How much I've wanted to lick your little cunt,
flick my tongue over your clit, and have your juices
all over my face."
"Oh god, that's it. I can't even imagine how good
your enormous cock is going to feel in my hot little
box. Please don't keep me waiting."
"I think I've got some licking to do first" I said
as I stopped sucking and licking her perky little B
tits. Then picked her up and carried her toward my
bedroom. I layed her down on her shoulders then
pulled her pants and panties off as I layed her butt
down.
I wanted to lick her pussy immediately, but I knew
I should wait -- or make her wait. So I started at
her earlopes and kissed and sucked and said gently
"God am I going to make you come tonight" as licked
down her neck. "Im wondering if your going to come
more on my tongue, or more on my big cock. What do
you think?" And she only gasped as my hands moved
down the outside of her right thigh.
Finally I made my way down, "finally" she gasped.
"Lick my clit, I need you to lick my clit." "That's
it my dirty talking little girl. I like that. Tell
me what else you want."
But I didn't lick her clit. I licked around her
pussy, then moved down and licked and kissed all the
way down the inside of her right then. And the way
down, massaging her calf, then over and up the other
leg. Finally, I lifted her little ass in the air, and
let me tongue glide down her crack, up through her
slit and then just darted to the left before it would
have made contact with her clit.
"You fucking evil bastard" she said with a pant.
"God you make me feel so good." Finally I conceded
and covered her clit with my mouth. I let my tongue
fly and darted over and around it. Faster than she
ever knew a tongue could go, lightly then with more
pressure, massaging her hard little clit. "Oh my god,
that's the kind of pussy eating man Ive been looking
for, that's it, don't stop. My god that's it. Jesus
I'm so jealous of your wife. Oh stay right there."
But I defied her wishes. And stopped, with one
long lick back down into her pussy, tongue reaching
inside and up to try to reach her G-spot. Then I
moved up and kissed her tits. Rubbing my cheeks
soaked with her pussy juice along her nipples to
moisten them with her own pussy juice. I moved up and
kissed her on the mouth then said "I love eating your
pussy. First I'm going to make you come then I'm
going to fuck this tight pussy until you come again.
And remember, any requests, just ask. Your wish is my
command."
And I dove back southward, this time using my right
hand so that my middle finger was inside of her and my
thumb was massaging just below her asshole. My left
hand meanwhile was rubbing over her nipples, still wet
from her own pussy juices.
"Oh god, Im getting close. That's it. No one has
ever made my clit feel like this." Then I stopped
again. And this time when I went up to kiss her, I
slowly entered her -- all the way -- extremely slowly.
As my face moved in front of hers, I felt the
breath leave her body. As if there was no room for
both my cock and her breath. Twice she tried to catch
her breath and failed. Then I pulled out and moved
further up. My wet cock head touching her right
nipple. THen my shaft running down the length of her
nipple. Finally moving up firther to rub the length
of my shaft across the side of her neck --- I love the
feeling of a woman's soft skin rubbing across my
moist cock.
Finally I moved back down and started licking
again. Then paused and said "Im not stopping until I
make you come this time. Im too anxious to get my
cock back in that pussy of yours"
"Uh-huh" she whimpered in agreement.
So I licked and used both hands on her breasts
before finally moving my left hand down and then used
just one finger inside, making a come here motion to
stimulate her G-spot. When I knew she was getting
close, I backed off once more and lifted her ass into
the air. Then licked down her slit, let my tongue
dance around between her cunt and asshole, then
circled her little asshole. Then returned to her
pussy. This was too much for her. Her breathing got
louder and shorter, "Oh stay there, that's it." she
cried, limited to one syllable words. "Ahhhhh-
AHHHHHH" she cried with an explosion, her hands
instinctively grabbing at the back of my head
thrusting it further into her snatch. Her moans
continue and heighten as I tried to lick even faster
and faster, then finally they began to subside -- "I
need you inside RIGHT NOW."

So enter I did. With one hard, deep thrust. All
the way. And again her breath escaped her. But this
time I pulled almost all the way out, slowly, letting
her regain her breath, before slowly entering again.
Then sliding out nearly all the way, then plunging
forcefully back in. "Stop" she said to my surprise.
"Wait" as she turned over then put her ass in the air.
The she barked, a mild, sexy little "woof-woof". I
position my head at the gaping entrance and pounded
inward, holding the tops of her legs then moved my
hands up to her butt as I moved in and out. "I knew
from the first day I saw you in the elevator that you
like it doggie style," I said. "Ive never known a
girl with an ass as perfect as yours who didnt like to
point it up at a guy while she was getting fucked."
"That's it, harder" she cried. "God i could come
just watching my cock slide in and out of your pussy"
I said. Then I took my right hand and gave a very
gently little spank to her ass -- just to see if she'd
like it. I was guessing she would. "Fuck yeah," she
cried. "again".
I was pounding in and out, enjoying the view with
every thrust, and occassionaly spanking that perfect
little ass. Then I pulled out, I couldnt take it
anymore, looking at that perfect little asshole, and I
moved down and pulled her cheeks apart and kissed it
and licked. Then one long stroke to her pussy.
"Mmmmm" I moaned.

"My turn" as she pushed me back and climbed on top
of me. Now she was bouncing up and down on top of my
for all she was worth. Reaching one hand back to
fondle my balls. God how I love that.
"For only being with two guys before, your the
hottest little slut I've ever fucked" I said. Testing
my borders with the dirty talk she requested. "I love
being your little slut" she said, then she put one
hand on either side of my head and leaned over me so
her tits were hanging in my face. As she bounced up
and down, I licked and sucked. Then held on nipple
between my teeth and she bounced up and down. My
hands on her ass, pulling her ass check apart as to
apply more pressure to her clit.
"God Im going to come again" she said. "Ive never
come from fucking before. Can you hold yours?"
"Yeah" I moaned, "I dont want this to end" So she
bounced up and down harder and faster, again reaching
a screaming climax.
After she came, I flipped us over so I was on top.
"Wait," she said, and wrapped her arms around her
knees, pulling her knees up to her ears, lifting her
butt a few inches off the bed. "Just fucking ream my
cunt with that thing"
So I went at it. Id never been able to fuck this
hard, this fast for this long before. It's a good
think I'd already beat off watching the movie twice
that night.
"Youre unbelieveable," I said. Im close to
coming. "God Im close to coming"
"Another request?" she gasped between
poundings....
"Any" bamn "thing" ... I said.
"Pull out and come on my tits, then come in my
mouth like the movie" I knew she wanted me to jack
off on her like the actor in the movie. I didn't
really want to leave this tight, wet cunt, but rules
were rules and promises promises.
" I don't know if I can do both..." and with that
I knew I'd gone to far. All the high speed thrusts
plus her magic words "come in my mouth" had taken me
past the point of no return. I pulled out and moved
up and landed one good shot between her tits, then I
moved upward again, stream two landing across her left
cheek and lips and chin before she opened her mouth
and I finished jerking off into her mouth while she
sucked the end.
"My god you're the hottest thing I've ever come in,
on or near" I said as I used the tip of my cock to
scoop up the come on her cheek and put it back in her
mouth. She swallowed and said "Mmmm. Ive never done that
before." Then I kissed her, my tongue entering her
mouth, to show my gratitude.
Then I moved down and licked the come off of her
tits and moved further down to lick it into her pussy.
She was now totally relaxed and spent so I stayed
there and very gently and lovingly licked her pussy.

"I could lick this pussy all night, Nic" I said.
"Well I just might let you" she replied. I kept
licking softly until she was on the verge of another
orgasm. "I hope your hard again," she said, "cause I
always need fucked right after I come from oral."
So as I kept licking, I reached down between my own
legs and rubbed myself so I'd be ready for her.
Then, very calmly this time, she approached her
orgasm. It was long and not nearly as loud as the
first, but she seemed to enjoy the length and
transquility of this one as I slowly with long strokes
kept licking her clit.
Then she flipped over on her flat stomach and I
entered her again. This time with her legs together
in a prone position, my legs outside of hers, she was
remarkably tight. I could tell that my movements were
causing the sheets to rub against her clit this way.
I was taking long, slow, penetrations to match the
way I'd eaten her out.
"Just seeing your perfect little ass below me makes
me think I'm in heaven" I said
"Nope you're only in Chicago" she replied.
"... And in a Romanian" she grinned and turned her
head around. Traces of my cum still on her cheek.
"Another request" she said. "Im sort of hesitant
to ask." I stopped moving and layed down on her.
My front on her back. "Anything for you tonight, you
know the rules. Whatever you want" I whispered in her
ear then put my ear near her mouth as she whispered
her fantasy to me.

We changed positions again as I lay on my back and
she mounted me facing away from me. I loved getting
to see her pretty face and perfect tits, but I wasn't
disappointed to watch her ass bounce up and down as
her pussy clinch my cock.
She held my knees as she bounced up and down and
with my long arms I reached up and fondle her breasts.
Then I pulled her back down so she was laying on top
of me. I pounded harder and moved my right hand to
play with her clit while my left stay on her tits. My
large hands spanning both smaller breasts, playing
with both nipples.
"That's it, Im going to come again" she said, as I
quickened my pace.
"Oh fuck, oh fuck, ahhhhh"
Then after she finished coming, she leaned back
forward so she was perpindicular to me and kept
bouncing up and down. Finally I said "Im going to
come. I don't think you're pussy is big enough for my
cock and all the come Im about to fill it with." "Try
me stud" she said.
She reached under her to play with my balls while
I came with a loud cry.
The she got her last wish as she turned around and
moved up and positioned her pussy right over my face.
I could already see my thick white come oozing out of
it.
My tongue dove into her pussy. Feeling my own
juices gliding back down out of her.

"God I've dreamed of this. You're so sexy. Lick
my filled pussy" I tried to say something but it was
impossible with her grinding her cunt in my face.

She had one knee on each side of my head and both
hands on the head board while I had both hands on her
ass. Pulling her towards me.

She came with another loud squeal. And fell of my
face, onto her back, and passed out, exhausted and
satiated.

I was hard again, so I wiped my face, kneeled to the
side of her and started to beat off. At one point I
rubbed my shaft across her cheek, enjoying the feel of
her smooth skin on my shaft. THen I continued to
stroke myself over her. I came a few minutes later,
over her sleeping body, over her tits and stomach.
Then nestled in beside her, kissed a cheek, and said
"See you in the morning."
 
Originally posted by lick4her You're feedback is appreciated.
Dear l,
Regardless of the merits, or lack thereof, of your story, this is not the place to post it. I suggest you submit it per instructions starting on the home page of this site.
Kindly,
MG
 
Hmmm

DP is correct. The formatting is aweful. The sentence structure ragged. The flow of the story broken by you constantly renaming the characters. There are punctuaion errors. And some other things.

Get an editor and try it again in the Story Feedback Forum.
 
You probably shouldn't post the story in the story feedback forum either, or you'll get people advising you to submit it and then ask for feedback after it's posted.

I would second damppanties's suggestion that you get yourself a volunteer editor before you do anything else. If you can't get one through the usual channels, you can try advertising for one in the Editors' forum.

I really don't want to give any feedback since this isn't the forum for it, but I glanced at the beginning of your story and just can't help wondering... who puts on a movie just before they go out to walk the dog??

Good luck.
 
Lick: We do welcome you to the hangout, but all the above goes. FYI, on this board authors discuss writing, just not personal feedback. We also rant, curse, rave, etc. on a myriad of issues. Occasionally we give newbies a hard time but mostly in jest and with a warm welcome. So, welcome.

best to you,
 
Back
Top