My first Story Feed back

[Richardls]

I have posted my first story. The Size Formula 1.1. I'm looking for feedback. I'm also looking for a editor to help me with the next chapter of my story.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=117064


Thanks

 

[Omni]

Your writing form is alright, coherent. I think this might be better in the fetish category though.

I am not going to comment much on the first two thirds of the story, because acquiring a huge cock is not an interesting premise to me. However, as it is the main theme of the story, I think you should consider many more different and creative ways to say "big" "hard" "cock"

Oh but I cannot help saying also, the rat stuff and thorough description was totally yuck to me. But! I would not let that put you off at all, there are variety of different readers out there.

However, since this all is not my cup of tea, I looked to the sex, and it seemed that you gave more descriptions to the rats.

Now, you have a very basic outline there on the sex scene, now fill it in. Dialog, scent, feel, texture, colors, expand>>>>>.

Also: hint: spell out numbers, instead of 10 do ten.


Omni

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I agree with Omni. You seem much more interested in the size of your tool than you do with anything else in the story. Even the sex is all about admiring your dick.

---dr.M.

 

[Rainbow Skin]

Have to agree with the previous. The story doesn't say anything, it doesn't have any content. It's "my cock grew bigger, then my cock grew bigger again, then I put my big cock in a girl". You have to make the story individual, you have to make the people real, or there's no point writing it down.

Most people would think this is a strange hobby and that I must have a small penis. They would be wrong about the latter.

This is an oddly frigid way of saying it -- "the latter"?-- and a real turn-off. No-one wants to read about big penises. Guys want to write about their own big ones, but women don't get turned on by things injected with rat hormones.

I had Jennifer (a HOT intern)

Breaking into capitals isn't a very writerly thing to do. It's casual, colloquial. Try and convey it by description instead. Why is she hot? What is she like? How can you make her attractive to the readers? And another odd thing is that after having described her as hot, you don't do anything with her -- she just drops out of the story. Nothing shows her as hot. So why was she mentioned that way?

Beth arrived like clockwork a 5:00 pm

Presumably she arrived at five o'clock exactly. What does like clockwork mean here? What image are you trying to convey? This is an irrelevant intrusion; you don't mean it. Try to use phrases that describe what you mean, not cheap, fast cliches.

 

[Richardls]

Thnaks

Thanks for the feed back. I will use your feedback to make my future stories better.

 

[Richardls]

Chapter 2 of The Size Formula

Please check out Chapter 2 of the Size Formula.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=119033