My first story ever!!!!

[baccgirl]

Hiya,

Here is the link for my first contribution to Literotica, I hope you enjoy it!

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=307750Strip Poker

 

[writelove]

I was completed pulled into your short tale, quite lovely. Great dialog, good pacing, voice. You have a way with words that shows so much talent.

I do have a few suggestions.

I would first like to see a larger canvas, perhaps a bigger setup to the wonderful strip scene. I would like to know just a bit more about the characters, what their relationship is, how they ended up playing strip poker.

Even if you simply had the game itself be more than just a lost hand at the beginning that would be good. I would include several hands with commands given at the end of each loss. He might win one, she another, the outcome undecided until the end. This would add conflict which is a good idea in a story.

Another suggestion would be to perhaps use this scene as part of a larger story, something that culminates in this challenge of strip poker, winner take all. This goes back to the idea of a larger canvas to the tale.

 

[baccgirl]

thanks!

Thankyou for that love! I actually wanted a short, precise sexy story. I am not one to write a really long story, as I find, for me, I lose interest and it certainly won't come out how I wanted it to.

I do thank you for your feedback, I might give it a go though!

 

[baccgirl]

center as apposed to centre....

Oh, to the person who left the "annonymous" message for me, saying I spelt a word incorrectly..the word being "centre" and you corrected me by saying it is actually "center", I just want to let you know I am in Australia and that is how we spell it here. Remember this is an International site, not just a site for American or Canadian contributions.

Some other international spelling that differs to America:

colour not color
honour not honor
centre not centre
mum not mom

 

[Nasha]

Hi, baccgirl. Welcome to Lit, and congrats on your first story--looks like people are enjoying it.

I'll echo much of what writelove said; you've got a lovely narrative voice and a way with words. For a mere scene, your "Strip Poker" succeeds admirably in being erotic.

You do have an way with words. However, two words caught me up--"placket" and "rucked." Now, I'm a great one for using five-dollar vocabulary words, but one should choose them carefully, like any other word. These two words struck me as odd, not because I had to look them up (which I did--thanks for two new words ), but because they seemed incongruous with the straightforward language of the rest of the narrative. Also, having looked them up, I'm not convinced either is actually the right word. I think "hole" or "buttonhole" and "bunched" or "scrunched" would be more effective. My larger point is just to use language that conveys the mood, the POV voice, etc., that you want to craft. "Placket" is perfect if your narrator is a seamstress.

Also like writelove, I'd prefer to see something bigger from you. I see you wanted to write "a short, preceise, sexy story," and that you're disinclined to write long stories, generally. But "Strip Poker" isn't really a story. It's a scene. A Vignette. My challenge to you would be to attempt something, short as you like, but where there is a true story arc, and where we learn more about the characters than that they gete turned on and orgasm.

A few months ago Vice Magazine had a fiction issue. There are lots of really short, potentially inspiring stories in there.

You seem to have a knack for writing. Keep it up.

Nasha

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Not a bad story. The one thing I can point to is the story is written in present tense. Normally with most writers (including me!) that's a problem because in speech we tend to slip back and forth between present and past. You carried it off well. Good girl - you write very well.

The story was disappointing though. Like so many first time posters, you haven't written a story, but a viginette - a scene from a story. A story begins with an incident, introduces the characters, the characters interact and through action move the story on to some logical conclusion. Example -

Harry meets Wanda. Harry falls in love with Wanda. Wanda has a husband. Problem: should they have sex anyway? Wanda has to decide. They have sex.

In this story you have: Harry and Wanda play strip poker. Wanda loses. They fuck.

I would have liked to see how the card game started? What was the movtivation? What is their relationship. Then after this scene, what happened to their relationship.

Your story is 874 words long. That's just about long enough for a scene. I find it sad that such good writing ended up with a stroke story. You are capable of a lot better story than this.

If you want help, just PM me. I think you show real promise.

JJ

BTW...The Brit spellings are just fine. Screw the idiots with narrow 3rd grade minds.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Thankyou for that love! I actually wanted a short, precise sexy story. I am not one to write a really long story, as I find, for me, I lose interest and it certainly won't come out how I wanted it to.

It's not supposed too, Kiddo. If a story takes on a life of it's own, you are doing it right

JJ

 

[baccgirl]

Thanks!

Jenny and nash!

Thankyou to both of you! I am now geared up to write that long story for everyone. I do appreciate your kind words!

Who knows? One day, you might see me in print! lol

I will, of course, dedicte it to all the lovely people who took the time to critique my work on Literotica!

Now..where did I put that deck of cards?

 

[azrael13]

Not really my thing...

Normally I read stuff more to the darker side of the site, but I saw your note on here and remembered how bad I wanted feedback from Authors on my first writing, so I decided to take a look.

I have to say it was really well written and put together. Both people involved were believable and did not take on strange personalities out of no where like I have seen all too many times. Even though I would not normally stop to read something as sweet as this was I gave you a 5.

Keep it up.. even though it doesn't appeal to my taste those who lean this direction will enjoy another good writer.