My first story ever.

[Amber jayne]

Friends,
I just posted my first story ever and would love any feedback. as I am new to the writing thing I want to know anything you all might want to share. spelling ,grammer or how the story flows. Don't worry I have a pretty thick skin and I promise not to cry... ( well not openly anyway). The story is called "The Box" it is under new stories and toys and mastarbation. See ya
"The Box".

 

[yui]

Friends,
I just posted my first story ever and would love any feedback. as I am new to the writing thing I want to know anything you all might want to share. spelling ,grammer or how the story flows. Don't worry I have a pretty thick skin and I promise not to cry... ( well not openly anyway). The story is called "The Box" it is under new stories and toys and mastarbation. See ya

Hi there,

Welcome to Lit! Here's a link for "The Box". If you want to add it to your sig line (makes it easier for people to find your stuff and ups your hits), I think you can "quote" this post and then cut and paste the link.

Much luck to you!

Yui

 

[Amber jayne]

Friends,
I just posted my first story ever and would love any feedback. as I am new to the writing thing I want to know anything you all might want to share. spelling ,grammer or how the story flows. Don't worry I have a pretty thick skin and I promise not to cry... ( well not openly anyway). The story is called "The Box" it is under new stories and toys and mastarbation. See ya

"The Box".

 

[Hotcappucino]

Congratulations on your first story, Amber Jayne. I hope you enjoy the writing process.

OK, you say you have "a pretty thick skin," so first off, I'm going to take apart your first paragraph to illustrate a few problems with the story as a whole.

First of all, there are inconsistencies with tense. That is, you start off the first three lines in past tense but then the rest of the paragraph is in present tense. Second paragraph continues in present tense, but then the rest of the story is in past tense. Make the tense consistent throughout the story.

The second sentence is a fragment -- there's no verb: The dark night exposed only by the bright lights of the white luxury car. You might think that exposed is a verb, but the way you've used it, it's an adjective. You can fix it by adding a verb: The dark night was exposed only by the bright lights of the white luxury car.

The third sentence contains an adjective clause ("with the door closed") that needs to be set apart from the rest of the sentence with commas:
"Soon it was parked in a small one car garage and, with the door closed, the busy hectic world was left behind."

The last two lines of the first paragraph contain comma splices. That is, a comma is used to combine two independant clauses. Instead of a comma, use a period and split each sentence into two. For example:
The short trip to the house is the longest but the most rewarding, at the door she is greeted by two small energetic dogs.
should be
The short trip to the house is the longest but the most rewarding. At the door she is greeted by two small energetic dogs.

The problems with punctuation (mostly with commas) and grammar continue through the rest of the story. This sentence is particularly perplexing:
With her head bent forward and her breath shallow without realizing it her hand went to her dripping wet pussy when she spread her lips and touched her throbbing clit she let out a moan and a gasp all at once.

In summary, your storyline is good. The execution just needs to be cleaned up. For myself, good story writing doesn't come naturally. I've had to spend dozens of times going over my own story again and again, correcting problems and making improvements. It sounds like you're willing to learn, so if you put in the time and effort, you'll eventually end up with a polished product.

All the best.

 

[BlackShanglan]

Dear Amber Jayne,

Thank you for posting your story and for inviting us to look at it and comment upon it. I enjoyed reading it and I think it's a fine first effort. You've already mastered brevity, which continues to elude me Well done.

I do agree with Hotcappucino that the story could use a bit of a grammar edit. By this I don't intend to say that a story can't be erotic or interesting despite grammatical issues; yours, in fact, is However, the grammar does distract a bit, and breaks up the fictional "dream" by intruding the reality of the typist. Smoothing those sorts of issues over would be a good idea. If you've got a second (or more) story in the works, I'd be happy to look at a few paragraphs and lend a hand - just PM me.

The other thing I would say, beyond the mechanical level, is that I would suggest working a little on the lover's voice. It's true that he's not there, but his note is, and I found myself very curious about his wording and how he communicated his instructions. Were they short, brusque, and dominant? Tender and coaxing? Dirty and taunting? I would love to see the actual note with the items, and see how he communicates his goal. This would characterize him, adding depth to the story, and would also (I think) have an added effect on the reader as s/he is placed in the position of the protagonist - reading the exciting letter.

I liked your sense of physicality and physical detail. The long drive up the hill and movement through the house gave this a "grounded" feel, as if it were happening in the real world with a character I can really imagine. That's a great strength to build on. I look forward to more!

Shanglan

 

[Rainbow Skin]

Agreeing with the above: this scene is a nicely-constructed very short story, and you've conveyed the atmosphere of arrival, discovery, excitement, and so on.

I don't care about minor errors like typos ('quite down' for 'quiet down') -- we all make those and it's obvious what's meant. But what you need to do is re-read for sense and rhythm. There are really no grammatical conventions about commas -- they're all about rhythm. The comma indicates a certain kind of pause, a drop in the voice that says something is ending here, but there's more to come.

After feeding and walking her dogs and the house -- gave me briefly an absurd vision. Because we expect expressions like 'dogs and cats', it'd be normal to read the 'and' here as a continuing 'and', with no drop in voice. So after coming to 'house' and thinking, hang on, this isn't 'dogs and the house' like 'the dogs and cats', we need to go back briefly and re-read with the right intonation: After feeding and walking her dogs, and the house begins to...

Laying there still pumping the dildo in and out of herself her hips bucking back and forth, her mouth open wide looking for anything to be put in it. -- The main problem with this is that it needs a break in herself, her: all the rest of it is your choice of words and I have no quarrel with it, but whatever your dialect is I'm sure you wouldn't say it run on like that with 'out of herself' going straight into 'her hips bucking'. It needs a pause, for the rhythm: a comma, so we know how to read it as we come towards the break.

'rose pedals' I'm afraid sounds ludicrous to me. But I realize this is also a dialect thing and you pronounce it the same as 'rose petals'. However, the wrong image intrudes too much. Normally spelling doesn't matter to me, it's a merely technical issue that doesn't actually affect the story that much, but it does when it vividly conjures up strange images.

 

[BlackShanglan]

There are really no grammatical conventions about commas -- they're all about rhythm. The comma indicates a certain kind of pause, a drop in the voice that says something is ending here, but there's more to come.

Never mind the sound of a horse sobbing quietly to itself in a corner.

 

[Hotcappucino]

There are really no grammatical conventions about commas -- they're all about rhythm. The comma indicates a certain kind of pause, a drop in the voice that says something is ending here, but there's more to come.

Please, please, please don't tell me that you learned this from an English teacher.

 

[Rainbow Skin]

No, I've seldom heard of English teachers who actually know about grammar: most of them who state things the most forcefully are just repeating pernicious rubbish that should have been chucked out fifty years ago. We have an actual science of linguistics now, and can study how language is used and constructed.

For an amusing take on how real language experts see all this ignorant garbage: Geoff Pullum on moronic style guides and Geoff Pullum on moronic copy-editors.

 

[Boxlicker101]

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by Rainbow Skin

There are really no grammatical conventions about commas -- they're all about rhythm. The comma indicates a certain kind of pause, a drop in the voice that says something is ending here, but there's more to come.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


This is wrong but not totally so. There are some very distinct rules about commas such as: Words in a series: "He kissed her lips, nose, ears and eyes and trailed kisses down the erogenous areas in her throat." With quotation marks: "Wait a minute," he answered. There are other rules and they are found among the writing instructions.

At the same time, writing is an art, not a science. Commas break up sentences so a story can flow smoothly and it is up to the individual writers to learn to use them judiciously.

Edited to add:
I read the story and left a PC. I hope you will continue with it but correct some of the typos and changes in tense. The thought of "rose pedals" does conjure up something really wierd to me also.

 

[Amber jayne]

Dear Friends,

I thank you all for the feedback. I will watch my work a little closer from now on. All of the feedback has helped and I see my work through a sharper eye now. I have read all the replys and they are now tucked into my notebook for later use.

'That which does not kill us only makes us stronger'

Petals Petals Petals Petals Petals Petals.......

"What good is spell checker if it can't read my mind..lol"

 

[Rainbow Skin]

No, there is no real connexion between comma punctuation and grammar.

There are certain arbitrary connexions, as with speech indicators: "Wait a minute," he answered. " -- But there's nothing grammatical there, it's just a convention about how to mark speech.

The only instance I know of where punctuation relates to grammar is with integrated versus appositive relative clauses (or defining vs non-defining): but since non-defining relative clauses are always spoken with comma intonation, it makes much more sense to regard the comma as marking intonation, not grammar:

pensioners who receive free rail travel

pensioners, who receive free rail travel


You say it differently in the two cases. So you should use punctuation to indicate how you say it. That's what the punctuation is for:-- clarifying pauses, meanings, relationships.

 

[Boxlicker101]

No, there is no real connexion between comma punctuation and grammar.

There are certain arbitrary connexions, as with speech indicators: "Wait a minute," he answered. " -- But there's nothing grammatical there, it's just a convention about how to mark speech.

The only instance I know of where punctuation relates to grammar is with integrated versus appositive relative clauses (or defining vs non-defining): but since non-defining relative clauses are always spoken with comma intonation, it makes much more sense to regard the comma as marking intonation, not grammar:

pensioners who receive free rail travel

pensioners, who receive free rail travel


You say it differently in the two cases. So you should use punctuation to indicate how you say it. That's what the punctuation is for:-- clarifying pauses, meanings, relationships.

What's the difference between a convention and a rule?

I'm aware there is a difference between grammar and punctuation but the two are closely related. Grammar is the proper use of words in regards person, tense, etc. and applies to either written or spoken communication. Punctuation applies to written only; pauses and inflection provide the punctuation for spoken communication.

 

[ishtat]

De Recta etc.

I've read amberJaynes storyand enjoyed it.

The comments about grammar and spelling (in this and any story) are valid mainly because errors distract the reader; they tend to get in the way between author and audience. I have not yet contributed to this site but have written heaps of technical & academic stuff. My experience is that after you have spell and grammar checked your work, it is very helpful to read it out loud .Punctuation and tense problems in particular then seem to jump out at you.

We get our knickers in a twist over grammar "rules" mainly because the first English Grammar ever published was called "De Recta et Emmendata Linguae Anglicae Scriptione Dialogus" .Yes it was written in Latin and that was the standard approach for the next 350 years. You can apply rigid rules to Latin but you cannot do the same to a language which originated as the Frisian dialect of old Low German (Old English), then it was heavily affected by Nordic imports from the Vikings before being overlain with massive amounts of French vocabulary post 1066.

Modern English is a "live" language and continues this trend of innovation with discernable differences between English in different parts of the World. The spoken language innovates, the written form to make consistent sense has to be more conservative. If AJ could improve in that respect a full talent would be realised.