my first story ever

[rlb1965]

A true virgin here .... A friend of mine convinced me i should try my hand at writing a story, and this is my first ever attempt. Not even pretending i am some great literary talent, but would like to know if anyone enjoyed it, and what i might could do better if i try another one.

thank you

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=151262

 

[yui]

A true virgin here .... A friend of mine convinced me i should try my hand at writing a story, and this is my first ever attempt. Not even pretending i am some great literary talent, but would like to know if anyone enjoyed it, and what i might could do better if i try another one.

thank you

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=151262

Hi rlb,

Welcome to Lit! There are several people here who offer excellent reviews…unfortunately I am not one of them. I will say that your story appeared grammatically sound and that is always welcome. I am not personally into the humiliation angle, so I can't speak to the turn-on factor (that is strictly a personal preference as my kinks bend in other, um, directions ) but you certainly seemed to hit on some relatively powerful D/s/BDSM stuff. Egad! Milking!

The only thing I might suggest that I think would make your stories more reader-friendly, is that you break your paragraphs into smaller chunks. Huge blocks of text are hard to read and people (myself included) tend to start skimming when confronted with dense paragraphs.

Other than that, nice job and, please, keep writing.

Best of luck,

Yui ^_^

 

[dr_mabeuse]

You write well in terms of mechanics. The grammar and spelling are fine, and the prose is good. It flows, and has good rhythm, and you have an eye for detail and can describe a scene well. The story’s not quit my cup of tea, so I might be a little prejudiced, but overall I think it’s a very good first story. You had a part where you suddenly switched to present tense and then back to past (when he first ties her up in the basement) but that was the only mechanical error I noticed offhand

Yui’s right about the paragraph length. I think most people find reading off a screen kind of uncomfortable, and seeing big blocks of text can actually discourage people from giving the story a read at all. It’s always good to get as much white space in there as possible, so when in doubt, start a new paragraph.

I think the story didn’t quite work as well as it could have because it was never clear why she suddenly started showing herself to this guy and then just walked over to him and let him start feeling her up and all. I suppose you meant that she was just overcome by some irrational impulse, but that was kind of hard to swallow. I mean, it's one thing to go over to a stranger and just start babbling without really knowing why, but it's another thing entirely to stroll over and just become his sexual slave with no explanation. I’m not saying it couldn’t happen, but, in my view, part of a writer’s job is to explain to us just how that happened and what was going through her mind. In spite of all the sexual acrobatics that go on in Lit stories, I really believe the sexiest stuff is what happens in people’s heads, what they feel about what they’re doing or being forced to do. For rachel, just to say that she didn’t understand herself why she was doing what she did is kind of a cop-out.

Writing titillating stuff is not that hard, and I think you do it better than most. But for me the best stories take us beyond what was done and give us some understanding of what motivates the characters and how they perceive what they’re doing and what’s being done to them. I didn’t get that here. I get the feeling that you weren’t really sure yourself what motivated Rachel or why she allowed him to do this stuff to her, and it kind of shows. You started out developing her character nicely at the beginning of the story, but when the sex started she suddenly just turned into a kind of walking fuck-dummy, and the story lost its sense of realism and much of its heat.

As I said, I think you have all the gifts you need to be a very good writer. I think you just have to push yourself a little more to try and get into your character’s heads and try and figure out what it feels like being there.

The big unanswered question in this story is why is she letting this guy do this to her (& to be fair, you do mention somewhere that he was doing to her what she’d always dreamed of doing, but that’s kind of a throw-away line). For me, that question looms over everything else that happens, and so, despite all the things they do, untilmately the story seems thin. They both come across as caricatures, and caricatures are never as interesting as real people we can identify with.

best,

---dr.M.

 

[rlb1965]

Thank you both, Yui and Dr. M. Your critique was welcome, and helpful, that is exactly what i was hoping for.

As far as her turning into a mindless 'fuck dummy' (i laughed at that phrase) i guess i was trying to explore the mind control thing.... apparently i need to work on that a little more.

Yes, i agree i have a problem falling into screwing up my tenses, that has always been my downfall when writing anything. I remember my teachers and professors noting that every time. darn it.

Will make another attempt soon, and will keep your tips very much in mind. Is there a way to save these threads?

Thanks again both of you for your input, i appreciate very much you taking time to both read and respond.

my best
rachel

 

[cantdog]

Threads go away. You can certainly save the text in them in a document.

"Several cups of ejaculate" seemed a bit much.

I know nothing about the way BDSM is done. Much of it as I find it on the web is repugnant to me personally, because I was abused physically as a child, and that is the dominant resonance in my mind when I read of punishment. Punishment engendered only hatred, as I experienced it. Abusers ought to be tortured to death very slowly.

My dad was. He had kidney failure and then years of dialysis. During those years his diabetes caused his legs to rot while they were attached to him. He looked forward to a future of progressive amputation, featuring dialysis a couple of times a week, and elected to die.

I had forgiven him, unfortunately, or I would likely have felt God's justice at work.

I much prefer mutuality to enslavement, in my own sex life, so I would go with Zoot Mabeuse here, if I were you. He writes quite a lot in the BDSM genre.


cantdog

 

[Loomis]

I've just had my first story put up too. Not sure if I want to be reviewed, but I do like the positive feedback I've had so far. I didn't realise how good it would feel to have other people say such things about something I spent time on.

Thank you all