My First Story...any feedback ??

[Lusciousladyf]

This is my first submission to Lit. I would love any feedback anyone wants to give! Thanks!!


www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php/37343

 

[Tatewaki]

Hello, Luscious Lady;

I liked your short piece. It was a very interesting "Day in the Life" tale that had lots of heat. Just a few comments:

1- Watch the use of multiple exclamations. Whether you do this! This!! Or this!!! the drama or seriousness of the text doesn't increase at all. You simply look amateurish. Multiple exclamations tend to pull down the quality of your writing. It is as if you are admitting that the text cannot stand on its own, so you must dress it up with overblown punctuation. Try to avoid that at all costs.

2- This may be a personal preference, but I hate reading stories in the second person. I am always drawn to the mechanics of the text itself, and not to what is actually written down on the page. Perhaps that is because it is relatively rare, but mostly because it reminds me of a sportscaster or a news announcer broadcasting as-it-happens events. I'd rather save that convention for the baseball game or a lunar landing, and remove it from written fiction.

Otherwise, I liked it. Keep on writing. Your skills will only improve. Thanks for submitting your work.

Regards,

-T

 

[Lusciousladyf]

Hello, Luscious Lady;

I liked your short piece. It was a very interesting "Day in the Life" tale that had lots of heat. Just a few comments:

1- Watch the use of multiple exclamations. Whether you do this! This!! Or this!!! the drama or seriousness of the text doesn't increase at all. You simply look amateurish. Multiple exclamations tend to pull down the quality of your writing. It is as if you are admitting that the text cannot stand on its own, so you must dress it up with overblown punctuation. Try to avoid that at all costs.

2- This may be a personal preference, but I hate reading stories in the second person. I am always drawn to the mechanics of the text itself, and not to what is actually written down on the page. Perhaps that is because it is relatively rare, but mostly because it reminds me of a sportscaster or a news announcer broadcasting as-it-happens events. I'd rather save that convention for the baseball game or a lunar landing, and remove it from written fiction.

Otherwise, I liked it. Keep on writing. Your skills will only improve. Thanks for submitting your work.

Regards,

-T

Thank you very much for your advice...it never occurred to me when I submitted this HOW I wrote it...and I see now it makes a huge difference to alot of people!! Thanks for your honesty...it is much appreciated!
I am working on revising a second story as I type this

 

[Chantal Marchon]

Feedback

This is interesting. It has the feel of phone sex. the action and the sex without extra stuff- It moves very quickly. It is almost like a person relating a fantasy. I think it is because there is no dialogue. Good Luck!

 

[Hudson]

Welcome Lucious Lady

I personally like characters in stories and a lead up and background on them it helps my mind set the scene, however you are very descriptive and this set the sex scenes perfect, I felt perhaps you could add to the story with a little more at the start, and perhaps write as you were experiencing.

There is a few gramatical mistakes and punctuation, you tend to over use commas, making the flow of the story at times chopy, I think you are doing this to accentuate parts of sentences, however it makes the reader stop and go back over what they have read.

Also when you both come out of the shower your desriptive words such as fiercly give the obvious impression and helps build up the tempo of the scene, then you slow it down again by writing he lay me softly on the bed and then you build up the tempo again, this interupts the flow like most things you need to keep the tempo building and then let it descend back down.

I really did like the story and keep writing as what I have mentioned a nit picks and no major probs. Cheers

 

[Lusciousladyf]

Re: Feedback

This is interesting. It has the feel of phone sex. the action and the sex without extra stuff- It moves very quickly. It is almost like a person relating a fantasy. I think it is because there is no dialogue. Good Luck!

Thanks Chantal... I do agree...this story was actually just a scene that popped into my head one day...I rushed to the computer and just typed it up. I didnt think about HOW I wrote it...nor how is would be read before I submitted it...I have learned a great deal from input such as yours. Thanks again

 

[Lusciousladyf]

Welcome Lucious Lady

I personally like characters in stories and a lead up and background on them it helps my mind set the scene, however you are very descriptive and this set the sex scenes perfect, I felt perhaps you could add to the story with a little more at the start, and perhaps write as you were experiencing.

There is a few gramatical mistakes and punctuation, you tend to over use commas, making the flow of the story at times chopy, I think you are doing this to accentuate parts of sentences, however it makes the reader stop and go back over what they have read.

Also when you both come out of the shower your desriptive words such as fiercly give the obvious impression and helps build up the tempo of the scene, then you slow it down again by writing he lay me softly on the bed and then you build up the tempo again, this interupts the flow like most things you need to keep the tempo building and then let it descend back down.

I really did like the story and keep writing as what I have mentioned a nit picks and no major probs. Cheers

Thank you very much for taking the time to read and give me your opinion. It is much appreciated. I have realized much of what you point out now...that is the way I learn !

My next one is written first person, based upon an actual experience, and all advice is being taken into consideration in typing it up. Come back soon and read the next one...I am sure it will be much more widely received. Again, thank you for your honesty because without it from people like you, my posting would be in vain. I love to write and want to share it with others.

Thanks again!