My first story and a humble request for feedback

[Juan_Abicuq]

Hello! Long time lurker, first time writer here. My first story went from pending to published overnight and I'm thrilled to see it's live!

https://literotica.com/s/a-hotwife-monologue

The story itself is, I guess, a prototypical LW (hotwife/cuckold) tale with nothing really remarkable about the content. It's a first-person monologe intended to be read aloud, and that, perhaps, is a bit unusual. There's graphic sex (of course?), but I tried to keep it "realistic" rather than going over-the-top.

Anyway, I expect it'll be 1-bombed because that just seems to be what happens in the world of the LW genre. I hope more honest critisism might be found here.

Thanks in advance to anyone who reads it, and a huge thank you to anyone willing to offer a thought or a word or two of feedback.

 

[TheRedChamber]

Congratulations on your first story. As you said, it is a very much the standard cuckold fantasy but very immediately told and no worse for it. Because we all know how it goes, there's not a lot to say about plot or structure except that it flowed nicely and seemed the right length.

One thing you could do is break your paragraphs more. Especially since you have both character talking on the same paragraphs which is considered bad style. Similarly I'd use something other than double quote marks to represent thoughts as they can get confused with speech.


One other think I noticed was you tend to use 'and' and 'but' a lot as sentence linkers. That's fine to some extent as you are mimicking actual speech from the narrator, but a little more variety could have helped. It wasn't a big thing though.

 

[Differentendeavours]

I thought that was a good story and very well told. Don't worry about he one bombers! You aren't writing for them.

 

[derek00003]

I thought it was very well written. I really enjoyed the first person point of view.

Very impressive for your first story. I can tell you put a lot of time and effort in, and it was an enjoyable read

 

[lovecraft68]

I liked it, simple and to the point and had a good easy conversational flow to it. I agree on breaking up the paragraphs so you don't have large blocks of text. I like you made clear the husband encouraged this and its not meant as a humiliation piece, but more of what this genre used to feature before the bad element took over.

I agree on the comment about the double quotes for thoughts, next time maybe put thoughts in italics, which is what I do to tell the reader its internal.

 

[BobbyBrandt]

The story has some technical issues, but the overall story is deserving of praise as a first attempt. Nice job.