My first story. A fantasy world. Unicorns.

[LimiNalia]

Hi all,

I would love for someone to read my story. I just want to know someone else out there enjoyed it.

I thought it may be a week traveled subject but it appears not. So if you'd like to read a love story about fantasy body transformation and unicorns then you may be in the right place.

https://literotica.com/s/the-forest-of-need-pt-01

I'd really appreciate any thoughts, and I hope someone enjoys this story. I'd love to have someone to write the second half for besides myself.

Thanks,
LIMI

 

[TheRedChamber]

Congratulations on finishing and publishing your first story here. Unicorn girls has never been a particular fetish of mine, so I'm not necessarily your target audience, but I enjoyed the story nonetheless. I try to give the kind of feedback that I'd like to recieve myself, which is fairly direct, so please don't take any of this as being overly criticial. Also, I should note that giving feedback on the first part of a story can be dangerous, as future installments may invalide any critiques or at least change the context slightly.

1) You write well. Sentence and paragraphs flow and fit together well. You spend a lot of time on describing everything, which I think is probably part of your style and essential for creating the type of atmosphere you're going for. That said, this story, contains nearly no dialogue, which means that some readers may struggle with constant long narrative/descriptive paragraphs. At 17,000 words and four chapters/story-beats it's fairly long relative to what actually happens (and chapter four is a little jarringly short). I wouldn't necessarily cut down the description in each paragraph, but I might look again and see if every paragraph is strictly necessary. (That said, there was a recent discussion on this forum and people had very different ideas about how long a story should be).

2) Coming back to dialogue, you have your main character not being able to speak through half the story, but she doesn't really say anything either before or after this change. The second sex scene is as wordless as the first. Again this creates a certain atmosphere, but why have her regain the ability to speak at all if she's going to be so silent (they do discuss the situtaion a little bit, but nothing that couldn't be expressed in a scene where only Reim could talk and reassure her). I think because of this the relationship between the two of them isn't very well defined - we're told that Reim is wonderful (and from his actions he does seem like a nice guy) but we don't really get much of an impression of either character's personality or how they function as a couple before the transformation. You mention them having a discussion about their sexual fantasies early on in the story, maybe having this as an actual conversation (and maybe learning about Reim's fantasies as well) might help to characterize the relationship a bit more.

3) Related to this, the setting is somewhat vague. I'd initially assumed it was set in America, but looking at the introduction their is nothing to confirm this and I wondered if the names Kayd and Reim mean they were from somewhere else (a quick Google suggested Kayd is American and Reim is either German or Islamic) I also wondered if the names were supposed to indicate a non-Earth fantasy setting.

4) The final part doesn't really set-up the next chapter very clearly. That is, it feels like it could already be a complete story and wouldn't feel unfinished if it was. It might be a good idea to drop subtle hints to the reader about what might happen next (maybe they're already there and I'm missing them).

 

[LimiNalia]

Hi,
Thanks so much for reading and offering your thoughts.

There are a few reasons for the lack of speech, and a few other of the points you raised, but if they're not coming through then that's an issue in itself so thanks for showing me.

I won't explain the reasons now because I'd like people to be able to interpret them in their own way. But they may become more apparent if I write the second part.

The last part is short. I had written it to tee up a second part but then it left too many things open. Maybe I should have kept the original. Like you say, this could be the end.

Kayd Reim - daydream

 

[Mastered_again]

My congratulations as well on your first story, and although fantasy is not my normal fare, it was a very enjoyable read.

I agree with Red on most of the points raised, particularly regarding the on/off capability for Kayd to speak in her unicorn form.

As to the last chapter, it came as a bit of a disappointment. Not at her return to human form, but the lack of feelings expressed on reverting. Sure, the experience changed her, but there was no regret over losing the magical sensations. At the least, I would have expected some remorse over its ending, but still realizing the impracticality of remaining the unicorn.

If they both will consume the magical fruit in a later installment, that disappointment might be a good hook to lead to their mutual transformation in a sequel and how it would affect Reim. Or perhaps Kayd remains human while he transforms and discovers how to be vulnerable, while she cares for him. Just some thoughts. Write as you see fit, satisfy yourself and if others like it, that's a bonus.

 

[LimiNalia]

Thanks, that's really nice of you to reply. I agree about the last chapter, and you guessed it right that the next installment is about Reim learning to be vulnerable. I'll see how it turns it in my mind first.

LIMI

 

[Mastered_again]

Limi,
Most welcome. Take your time with the next installment and if you are planning more beyond that, try to set it up with the current one.