My first stories

[xxxbob]

Well, I finally got horny enough to write two stories, one is true and the other isn't. They are certainly going down very well, and I was hoping that you guys could tell me where to go next

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=131732 - A touch of lace

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=130878 - His first blowjob

Like I said, I must admit they are going down far better than I expected. I am finding it difficult to vividly explain the action itself, so I decided that getting some direct feedback would a good place to start

 

[Hotcappucino]

Good first effort, Bob.

You've got the basic structure of the stories down. A few things I would work on:

1) Clean up spelling & punctuation (if you want examples, let me know and I'll send you some in a private message).

2) Flesh out descriptions. The best descriptions touch on all or most of our senses: Tell us about what the characters see, feel, hear, smell, and taste. For example, in His First Blowjob, you wrote that it was "freezing cold" during Jack & Lucy's walk back from dropping Sara off at the taxi, but you can draw a more vivid picture in the readers mind about the cold in a number of ways. Maybe during their walk back, it was so cold Jack could see his breath in front of him, or it was so cold he could feel his balls drawing up into his body.

Along the same lines, I would have liked to see more detail of where the BJ was taking place. Were they on a sidewalk or path where someone could happen upon them? In the bushes? What was around them? Was it dark or was the moon out? Personally, I like little embellishments like that which help set the mood or scene.

3) Dialog: Try to make it more natural. Don't use the exclamation point quite so much and cut down on the use of the word baby, especially in A Touch of Lace.

One other little mistake I want to point out: at the end of His First Blowjob, you wrote the name Sophie instead of Lucy.

I think you've got a good start, Bob. I don't know if you're interested in reworking your stories -- editing one's work can oftentimes be tedious -- but I think it would be worth doing if you want to become better as a writer.

 

[xxxbob]

you wrote the name Sophie instead of Lucy.

Haha so I did.

Ok, I'll go through and add some more detail