My first short story

[Massampage]

Im new to this and I was just wanting so feedback. I don't know if its good or bad. I think I is but I need a professionals point of view.


JUST LOVE ME

I stand in the shower letting the drops of water roll down my back. The warmth flow feels like a nice calming massage. I drop my head and let the water splash all over my hair. I hear some noises through the wall behind me but it does not distract me. I keep still like a Greek marble statue. Through the sound of the soothing water I hear the faint thuds of footsteps that are getting closer and closer. Only when I hear the door open do I shift focus. The vaporous shower window obscures my intruder who has just trespassed into my privacy. I do not say anything, not knowing who he or she is or what he or she wants. I slowly draw the plastic door revealing my intruder. I am greeted with a comforting smile from Karlee, a naked Karlee. I did not remit the same response. My mouth left wide open. Her naked form was much beautiful then I had imagined. Yes bodies have imperfections, but she has none in my eyes. All I saw was pure exquisiteness.
“What are you doing?” I asks Karlee.
“What? You don’t want me here do you?” She replies with her face quickly changing to a heartbreaking expression.
“No, I do its just well-”
“-well what?”
“…well you said you just consider me as a friend.”
“That was then. But now I realize that what I want is…well you.”
I smile gently and lay out my arm with my hand wide open. She just grins at me and gratefully accepts my offer of affection and grabs my hand. I pull her towards me but not much force is needed. She comes willingly. She put her arms around my neck and I placed mine on her hips. I rest my forehead on hers. We look deep into each others eyes. Looking into those eyes made me feel so safe, like nothing else mattered in the world. Nothing could ruin this moment. A small portion of her hair that was tucked away behind her ear broke loose and reached the front of her face. I gently pushed it back behind to where it once settled. She gave a tiny laugh and kissed me on the lips. The taste of her wet strawberry flavored lips made feel something I had never felt. I delightful shiver went up my back and down my arms. My head dropped and I took a deep breath. I couldn’t believe what was happening. The girl of my dreams, the girl that I love, the women standing in front of me; in all her beauty, is in my arms. Karlee places her warm hand under my chin and slowly lifts my head up to her eye level.
“Jack” She tells me “I love you.”
I just stare deep into her eyes. I give her the biggest smile I could ever give anyone.
“I love—“
“Stop” she says cutting me off “you don’t need to say anything. I already know. You have already told me. All you can do now is show me.”
I start to kiss her more intensely. She enters my mouth tongue first. The feeling is amazing. Her tongue is so warm and wet. She stops with her tongue and retreats. She starts running her hand down my chest, making her way to my penis. She doesn’t need much assistance getting it hard. She starts sucking it. The sensation is amazing. I try to hold back from cumming, but it’s not easy. Just before I feel like I can’t hold it in any longer I pull away from her mouth. I put my hands on both of her shoulders and slowly raised her up until our eyes met. I place my hands firmly on her ass, and lift her up as she wraps her legs around my waist. I push her up against the shower wall.
“Jack I want you inside me.” She says.
I don’t hesitate for a second. I grab my penis, which is already hard, and position it at the entrance of her vigina. She slowly lowers herself until it enters her. She lets out a quiet whimper. I thrust in and out of her, starting off slow but steadily go deeper inside. Every time I go deeper she whimpers louder. She slams her arms against the shower walls, trying to find something to grab a hold of, but there is nothing. Just as she reaches climax she throws her head back and lets out a glorious moan. She wraps her arms around me holding me tight. I also do the same.
“I love you.” I tell her.
“I know.” she replies.
She slowly releases her legs from around my waist. I turn off the shower and get out. She stands in the shower doorway, just staring at me, smiling. I put out my hand for her to grab for balance. She grabs my hand and steps out. I expect her to let go once she is out but he hand remains glued to mine. Slowly she makes her way to the door.
“I’ll let you get dressed…” She says with a kind smile.
I stay fixated to where I am, but at the same time I don’t want to leave her company. With out hands still glued she walks closer and closer to the door. The bond holding our hands together suddenly breaks. She closes the door behind her. I cover my face with my hands and smile.
“YES! YES!” I yell.
This is the happiest moment in my life. I quickly dress myself but fumble many times because I’m rushing to fast. I finally get all my clothes on and on the right way and hastily open the door. I see that the door to the room Karlee is staying in is closed. I don’t enter so not to disturb her, though I really want to see her. I instead venture for my room, my bed to be exact. I find my big king sized bed they way I left it, tidy as always. I collapse onto the left side of the bed. I lay there just thinking about what just happened. I don’t think there are words that can describe the way I’m feeling. Just thinking about her makes me want her even more. Suddenly I hear her door open. She soon emerges into my doorway.
“Hey…” I say.
She replies the same. She makes her way to the right side of my bed. She climbs on and cuddles up next to me. I hold her tight, not wanting to let go…ever. I keep telling myself “I hope this isn’t a dream, because if it is I don’t want to wake up.” I kiss her softly on the forehead.
“I love you so much, you know?” I tell her.
“Yes Jack” she says “I do.”
“Thank you so much.”
“...for what? You were the one who made me realize how I feel. If there is anyone to thank it is you.”
“How did I make you realize?”
“By telling me how you felt. That gave me confirmation that you also felt the same.”
“What? How long have you felt like this?”
“A while. Probably a few years.”
“…wow”
“That doesn’t matter now though. Now we have each other and that’s all that matters.”
“Yes your right” I say giving her a squeeze “You mean the world to me. If I lost you I don’t know what I would do. I didn’t know what love felt like until I met you. There is not a day that goes by without me thinking of you. When I’m un-happy I know if I’m with you I will be happy. Just seeing you makes all my cares go away. When your not here I count down to the day when you come back--”
Karlee puts her finger gently over my mouth.
“Jack, stop telling me how much you love me.” She whispers “Just love me.”

 

[Guest]

This is your first story? Not bad at all.

The plusses:

In a very short vignette (this would be less than half a Lit page, I suspect), you've managed to give your characters some individuality and enough reason for us to care about them.

You've also crafted a reasonably hot sex scene. More about that later.

Finally, you brought the piece to a realistic conclusion.

The minuses:

You're seriously in need of a proofreader; your grasp of punctuation, particularly with regard to dialogue, is shaky. Don't take offense--it's extremely common among new writers. In the meantime, you'll find very good resources about grammar and punctuation here.

Try reading your dialogue out loud, or have someone else read it aloud, to get a sense of whether it flows naturally. That will help you develop your "ear" as you write.

Present tense works for some readers but can be tricky. Past tense is generally the way to go until you're more experienced. In this story, you shift back and forth between present and past tense a number of times; this is also quite common among newer writers and is to be avoided like the plague.

You could use an editor (who can also be your proofreader) to help with your choice of words in some places; you're trying too hard. For example:

I am greeted with a comforting smile from Karlee, a naked Karlee. I did not remit the same response.

The second sentence is very awkward; why not just write, I don't return it?

Finally, while penis and vagina are always acceptable, they can come across as rather clinical. The tone of this piece is such that clinical doesn't work, in my opinion. There are a host of other terms, ranging from risque to unbelievably filthy, that you can add. Think risque, and see "An Extensive Guide to Sexual Terms" at the link above.

An editor can also help with some inconsistencies--for instance, during the shower scene, she has her legs around your waist and you've pushed her up against the shower wall. When she comes, she throws her head back. I'm thinking concussion, here.

Finally, (yes, I know this seems like a lot, but truly, it's a decent first effort) your paragraphs should be kept short--the rule of thumb is no more than ten lines in Literotica format. It's much harder to read long paragraphs on screen than in a printed book or magazine.

OK, that was a lot. So, here's a last thought:

You can tell a story. Now, you'll need to learn to do it better, as we've all had to do.

Good luck!

 

[Massampage]

I know my gramma is very poor. I fail at anything to do with English. I failed English at school.

yeah the present tense thing was hard. I tried my best to get it right. I was going to do past but I just thought it sounded better this way.

and the penis vagina thing got me. I didn't want you use those words because they sounded too, i don't know, un-natural I guess.

and when you said "I'm thinking concussion, here. " I thought so too, but I just wanted to carry on. I got really into it and couldn't stop my bad.

and thanks for all your time in giving me some feedback.

 

[snoopercharmbrights]

T... (this would be less than half a Lit page, I suspect) ...

Actually about one third of a Lit page.

Otherwise I agree wholeheartedly with GnomeDePlume; this is a good first effort and the problems are largely technical rather than literary.

 

[Massampage]

What do you mean by Lit Page?

oh and if someone is willing to could they please edit it. Thanks

 

[Guest]

What do you mean by Lit Page?

One page of a published Literotica story holds about 3500 words, more or less--it varies depending on the amount of dialogue and a few other things. Your story is 1332 words as written, so it will occupy between a third and one-half of a Lit page; that makes it a vignette, a short, descriptive literary sketch.