My first post
- Thread starter ezjoyride
- Start date
the_bragis
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 25, 2002
- Posts
- 389
Hello Ezjoyride,
You silly boy , you forgot to include the link, but that's ok, that hasn't stopped my tracking it down and reading it.
This is the link by the way: http://literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=54611
Ok, now the first thing that struck me with this story is the change of tenses. Writing in the present is something we all really need to leave up to the experts. It's really hard to do, and for me anyway, harder to read also. Unfortunately your story swings from past to present until about half way through. I think most people find past tense the safest way to go.
Now your story, I noted the following:
I take and along with it I lick the powered sugar off her fingers.
I think there is a word missing here, but I'm not sure, it just doesn't make sense. I noticed a few typos. i.e. Our knee, our mouths... should have been knees. It's not a bit deal, but it's distracting.
It's powerful and yet innocent.
Saying its just not enough for most people, they want more details. Certainly your feelings could have been expressed more here. You have chosen to write in the first person, so it makes it a little hard to describe what she was feeling, but maybe something like.....I could tell she was feeling.....da da da...etc, because she was...bla bla bla
I feel like a school boy walking my little girl friend home from school We walk across Decatur Street to Jackson square. (Typo punctuation missing.)
I thought this was nice, very nice in fact. Ladies especially love this kind of descripiton.
"Sure you do. That little dress you bought. Come on. Three minutes and we're there. Much closer that the twelve blocks to your car. And another thirty minutes to your hotel. Come on , I insist."
The second inverted coma is in the wrong place. Don't worry, you just need to check and read your work more carefully.
Damn, I thought there were towels in there.
Now here's a missed opportunity for a little fun. Let's not forget he's been a gentleman up until now, but he's also a red blooded, seeing, and breathing male too. I would have like to have seen something like:
"Damn, I thought there were towels in there," then I had a wicked thought, " Does she wants me to go right in there and give her one.....a towel that is? Maybe she wants me to help her dry off too?" My mind was racing.
I cant' t believe she just handed me her panties.
I can't believe you didn't use this to get me, the reader, a little more excited. Readers, especially male ones, would love to know all about the variety and state of her panties. Not to mention, your state when she handed them to you.
I could feel her body almost as if she had nothing on at all.
Again, all the juicy details are missing! And the really frustrating thing is, I have feeling those lovely details were all in your head, they just didn't make it onto the screen.
Now the actual sex scene is good. I would say it's obviously written from experience, and for me it's when the story really seems to come together.
Overall, your story is fine, but you do need to go over it more carefully. More detail would certainly have made it a more enjoyable read for me. Others may disagree.
Your first story? No bad.....not bad at all.
Have a great day,
Alex. (fem)
You silly boy , you forgot to include the link, but that's ok, that hasn't stopped my tracking it down and reading it.
This is the link by the way: http://literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=54611
Ok, now the first thing that struck me with this story is the change of tenses. Writing in the present is something we all really need to leave up to the experts. It's really hard to do, and for me anyway, harder to read also. Unfortunately your story swings from past to present until about half way through. I think most people find past tense the safest way to go.
Now your story, I noted the following:
I take and along with it I lick the powered sugar off her fingers.
I think there is a word missing here, but I'm not sure, it just doesn't make sense. I noticed a few typos. i.e. Our knee, our mouths... should have been knees. It's not a bit deal, but it's distracting.
It's powerful and yet innocent.
Saying its just not enough for most people, they want more details. Certainly your feelings could have been expressed more here. You have chosen to write in the first person, so it makes it a little hard to describe what she was feeling, but maybe something like.....I could tell she was feeling.....da da da...etc, because she was...bla bla bla
I feel like a school boy walking my little girl friend home from school We walk across Decatur Street to Jackson square. (Typo punctuation missing.)
I thought this was nice, very nice in fact. Ladies especially love this kind of descripiton.
"Sure you do. That little dress you bought. Come on. Three minutes and we're there. Much closer that the twelve blocks to your car. And another thirty minutes to your hotel. Come on , I insist."
The second inverted coma is in the wrong place. Don't worry, you just need to check and read your work more carefully.
Damn, I thought there were towels in there.
Now here's a missed opportunity for a little fun. Let's not forget he's been a gentleman up until now, but he's also a red blooded, seeing, and breathing male too. I would have like to have seen something like:
"Damn, I thought there were towels in there," then I had a wicked thought, " Does she wants me to go right in there and give her one.....a towel that is? Maybe she wants me to help her dry off too?" My mind was racing.
I cant' t believe she just handed me her panties.
I can't believe you didn't use this to get me, the reader, a little more excited. Readers, especially male ones, would love to know all about the variety and state of her panties. Not to mention, your state when she handed them to you.
I could feel her body almost as if she had nothing on at all.
Again, all the juicy details are missing! And the really frustrating thing is, I have feeling those lovely details were all in your head, they just didn't make it onto the screen.
Now the actual sex scene is good. I would say it's obviously written from experience, and for me it's when the story really seems to come together.
Overall, your story is fine, but you do need to go over it more carefully. More detail would certainly have made it a more enjoyable read for me. Others may disagree.
Your first story? No bad.....not bad at all.
Have a great day,
Alex. (fem)
Last edited:
Rumple Foreskin
The AH Patriarch
- Joined
- Jan 18, 2002
- Posts
- 11,109
Alex has done a good job of giving you a critique of your entire post. To avoid a lot of duplication (and because it's after midnight here in Big D) I'm going to focus on one paragraph.
--
--I watched (EITHER OMIT "ED" HERE) her out of the corner of my eye. She picks (OR CHANGE "S" TO "ED" HERE) up a cotton dress a (AND) holds it up to her. There's no mirror, and no one with her. (IF YOU CHANGE THAT TO "AND SHE'S ALONE" YOU AVOID TWO STRAIGHT SENTENCES ENDING WITH "HER") "It looks great!" Where did that ("VOICE") come form (FROM)? Me? (NEW PARAGRAPH) There's that smile again. "You think so?" she ask in a friendly tone. I was afraid that (OMIT "THAT") I would put her off, but she seemed to like the interaction.-- ("WOULD" NEEDS TO BE "HAD" UNLESS "SEEMED" BECOMES "SEEMS")
--
In my last story, "Sure Cure for Depression" the paragraph breaks got all screwed up, so I sympathize with your situation, BUT, there's a basic rule of writing that each time a new/different character speaks, there should be a new paragraph. In the paragraph above, both characters speak.
Sentence one says, "I watched her..." Sentence two says, "She picks up..." Says Alex and me, unless you want to really confuse your readers, stick to the same tense. In this case you switched from past "watched" to present "picks".
IMHO, you have the same type of problem in the last sentence.
"She picks up a cotton dress a (SHOULD BE "AND", OF COURSE. IT'S PROBABLY JUST A TYPO, BUT IT DISTRACTS READERS.)
"Where did that come form? (SHOULD BE "FROM" PROBABLY JUST ANOTHER DISTRACTING TYPO. ALSO, AND FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, YOU MIGHT INSERT SOMETING BETWEEN "THAT" AND "COME" SUCH AS "VOICE" TO AVOID THE POSSIBLITY OF SOME READERS THINKING YOU'RE ASKING WHERE THE DRESS CAME FROM)
Good luck from someone's who's spent a lot of time in the location for you story. I hope some of this helps.
Rumple Foreskin
--
--I watched (EITHER OMIT "ED" HERE) her out of the corner of my eye. She picks (OR CHANGE "S" TO "ED" HERE) up a cotton dress a (AND) holds it up to her. There's no mirror, and no one with her. (IF YOU CHANGE THAT TO "AND SHE'S ALONE" YOU AVOID TWO STRAIGHT SENTENCES ENDING WITH "HER") "It looks great!" Where did that ("VOICE") come form (FROM)? Me? (NEW PARAGRAPH) There's that smile again. "You think so?" she ask in a friendly tone. I was afraid that (OMIT "THAT") I would put her off, but she seemed to like the interaction.-- ("WOULD" NEEDS TO BE "HAD" UNLESS "SEEMED" BECOMES "SEEMS")
--
In my last story, "Sure Cure for Depression" the paragraph breaks got all screwed up, so I sympathize with your situation, BUT, there's a basic rule of writing that each time a new/different character speaks, there should be a new paragraph. In the paragraph above, both characters speak.
Sentence one says, "I watched her..." Sentence two says, "She picks up..." Says Alex and me, unless you want to really confuse your readers, stick to the same tense. In this case you switched from past "watched" to present "picks".
IMHO, you have the same type of problem in the last sentence.
"She picks up a cotton dress a (SHOULD BE "AND", OF COURSE. IT'S PROBABLY JUST A TYPO, BUT IT DISTRACTS READERS.)
"Where did that come form? (SHOULD BE "FROM" PROBABLY JUST ANOTHER DISTRACTING TYPO. ALSO, AND FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, YOU MIGHT INSERT SOMETING BETWEEN "THAT" AND "COME" SUCH AS "VOICE" TO AVOID THE POSSIBLITY OF SOME READERS THINKING YOU'RE ASKING WHERE THE DRESS CAME FROM)
Good luck from someone's who's spent a lot of time in the location for you story. I hope some of this helps.
Rumple Foreskin
Thanks for the feed back
Alex and Rumple, Thank you for your feed back. It was very incouraging. I do have a confession to make. I posted it before I proof-read it. Somehow I knew if I spent too much time thinking about it I wouldn't post at all. But your feed back gave me the courrage to write more. And I promise, this time I will watch the tense, and punctuation. I will also try to be careful about adding more detail. As I was writing so much was going on in my mind, but was afraid that too much detail would be cumbersom. Again thank you for your feed back.
Oh, one more thing, I didn't realize that I was supose to leave a link. For future refrence how do I know the link?
ezjoyride
Alex and Rumple, Thank you for your feed back. It was very incouraging. I do have a confession to make. I posted it before I proof-read it. Somehow I knew if I spent too much time thinking about it I wouldn't post at all. But your feed back gave me the courrage to write more. And I promise, this time I will watch the tense, and punctuation. I will also try to be careful about adding more detail. As I was writing so much was going on in my mind, but was afraid that too much detail would be cumbersom. Again thank you for your feed back.
Oh, one more thing, I didn't realize that I was supose to leave a link. For future refrence how do I know the link?
ezjoyride
Rumple Foreskin
The AH Patriarch
- Joined
- Jan 18, 2002
- Posts
- 11,109
You're more than welcome to the feedback especially since you took the zingers we inflicted so well.
The process is relatively simple. Go to your story, copy the URL (place the pointer/cursor on the URL, right click the mouse, then click Copy) go back to your post and paste the URL.
In case you forget these words of wisdom, check out the FAQ for instructions on placing links in your posts.
RF
The process is relatively simple. Go to your story, copy the URL (place the pointer/cursor on the URL, right click the mouse, then click Copy) go back to your post and paste the URL.
In case you forget these words of wisdom, check out the FAQ for instructions on placing links in your posts.
RF
Sixty-nine
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jun 25, 2002
- Posts
- 401
I know I'm a little late posting to this thread since your story has already been kindly ripped to shreads (the mark of good feedback) but I'd like to make a suggestion. There are a lot of writers on this site with degrees in English, some even teach it professionally, and a gifted few just seem to have a knack for this sorta thing. Find some of these people, have them lend you a second, third... sixth pair of eyes AND THEN post you story. Allow two or three editors to give you corrections and advice, and you'll have an advantage most writers are too egotistic to use. Two heads (get it? "heads") are better than one.
Thank you all for your very helpful review of my story. I will take advantage of the editors the next time before I post. In fact I have a story or two that I will submit when I have the time. I really don't feel that I have been butchered in the feedback. I honestly feel that it has been very helpful. Again thanks to all.
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