My First Poetry Submission Sux

[maggot420]

If anyone has a moment to review my first poetry submission, I would greatly appreciate any feedback offered. I was hoping to see it reviewed in the new poems thread but it wasn't. Perhaps this is because it really chews. Perhaps it just was overlooked. I'm curious what anyone else might think.

Burial Grounds

Hello you
Yes its me
I see you flying across the sea
And where you’ll land
Where you’ll be free
Is just a pile of sand
That buries me

Goodbye to you
It's time to leave
And all we’ve been through
All we believed
Now slowly drowns
In the raging sea
And the waves crash down
To bury me

 

[OT]

You asked, so I'll tell you. My reaction was: it made me shrug.

Mostly simple words and rhyme that didn't bring anything fresh/exciting/interesting to the table.

That doesn't necessarily mean that it "sux" or that you shouldn't write more, it's just the reaction of one person.

 

[Reltne]

You asked, so I'll tell you. My reaction was: it made me shrug.

Mostly simple words and rhyme that didn't bring anything fresh/exciting/interesting to the table.

That doesn't necessarily mean that it "sux" or that you shouldn't write more, it's just the reaction of one person.

Make that two people. - Sorry, but I don't find anything that excites me or makes me want to recommend it to another reader.

 

[maggot420]

Thank you both for your feedback. I greatly appreciate it. I shall endeavour to be more creative and exciting in the future.

 

[WickedEve]

If anyone has a moment to review my first poetry submission, I would greatly appreciate any feedback offered. I was hoping to see it reviewed in the new poems thread but it wasn't. Perhaps this is because it really chews. Perhaps it just was overlooked. I'm curious what anyone else might think.

Only poetry that the day's reviewer finds good or interesting is mentioned/recommended on the new poems review thread. There's also the poetry academy thread where most poetry gets recognition.
Usually, starting a thread (like you did) is the best way to get feedback. Personally, I don't think the poem is that bad. It's better than some of the poems by novice poets that pop up daily. Even though I said the poem isn't that bad, it's still not very interesting to those of us who read a good deal of poetry. In other words, I've seen this kind of poem many times over. It's not really showing me anything. I read it and I really don't get any images in my head or any particular feelings about it. As a reader, I'm not connecting with this poem.

 

[WickedEve]

I just realized that I didn't offer any suggestions--no constructive feedback. I read the poem several times, and honestly, I don't think I'd revise it. The poem is what it is and it should be left as is. There's no material in it to work with. But you could write another one about the same subject. This time, show the reader how you're feeling, give examples, offer more details. Who is the "you" in the poem? Give me one example of what this person did to make you feel this way. Don't worry too much about making it "great" poetry. Just get some raw material so you'll have something to work with. You can post it here, and I'm sure poets will show up to help you work on it. We love to offer suggestions.

 

[annaswirls]

If anyone has a moment to review my first poetry submission, I would greatly appreciate any feedback offered. I was hoping to see it reviewed in the new poems thread but it wasn't. Perhaps this is because it really chews. Perhaps it just was overlooked. I'm curious what anyone else might think.

Burial Grounds

Hello you
Yes its me
I see you flying across the sea
And where you’ll land
Where you’ll be free
Is just a pile of sand
That buries me

Goodbye to you
It's time to leave
And all we’ve been through
All we believed
Now slowly drowns
In the raging sea
And the waves crash down
To bury me

I came back determined to work with this poem.

and I did see something interesting
the contrast of being buried in sand or water

sand of "her" presence,
water is her absense.

what is the difference to you?
how is being where she lands like being buried in the sand?
what does it feel like to be buried in the sea? which do you prefer?

hot sand that itches skin? weighs heavy, gets in all your crevasses and itches like hell the whole way home? can you move buried under her sand? is it a warm blanket for you? like being in her castle? do you feel her grit between your teeth after she leaves?

and the water that buries you when she leaves? is it like your own freedom? do you find yourself struggling for breath? all of your cuts stinging in the salt water? cleansed? buoyant?

see you can go go go go and let us know how you feel and what you think without really coming right out and saying I feel that or I think this...




my brother and I would play the game of how would you rather die? in fire, or drowning, would you rather have an arm or leg cut off, etc

taking these metaphors and running with them might get you a decent poem.

good luck and good idea to post your poem in a thread. some days I do not even get to read more than one or two new poems, and when there are new names, I do not even know if they want feedback, so it is good to know what you want.


best to you, keep writing, it is a good thing.

~as

 

[maggot420]

Thank you very much Wicked Eve and Annaswirls. This is exactly the kind of feedback I was looking for. I appreciate your input and suggestions and will immediately use them in my next attempt.

 

[Christina O. Leigh]

Regarding maggot420's poem
_____________________

Personally, I like this but yes, it needs a 'little work'. I want to feel drawn in to what you're saying, feel and vision. This is what's so important in poetry. It's nice to see honest feedback that is kind and helpful. What I would suggest is that you add a little more to this poem such as: Why? Tell us more about the sand? How did this make you feel when you said goodbye? More about what you've been through together. Doesn't have to be a long story but give us some memories. In the raging sea- it RAGES...more!! The "waves crash down to bury me"- and how does that feel? I love the free verse with the rhymes to help make the nice flow. If you would add more to this so we could feel and vision, like I said, that's what most people want. There has to be pain here. Let's feel it. Take us along with you- so to speak. I really think you're off to a good start, so don't give up.
Hugs, Christina

 

[maggot420]

Regarding maggot420's poem
_____________________

Personally, I like this but yes, it needs a 'little work'. I want to feel drawn in to what you're saying, feel and vision. This is what's so important in poetry. It's nice to see honest feedback that is kind and helpful. What I would suggest is that you add a little more to this poem such as: Why? Tell us more about the sand? How did this make you feel when you said goodbye? More about what you've been through together. Doesn't have to be a long story but give us some memories. In the raging sea- it RAGES...more!! The "waves crash down to bury me"- and how does that feel? I love the free verse with the rhymes to help make the nice flow. If you would add more to this so we could feel and vision, like I said, that's what most people want. There has to be pain here. Let's feel it. Take us along with you- so to speak. I really think you're off to a good start, so don't give up.
Hugs, Christina

Thank you for your generous input and kindness. I appreciate you taking the time to offer such good suggestions and insight. I don't think I'll work on this one too much more but on my future attempts I will try to be more descriptive.

 

[twelveoone]

If anyone has a moment to review my first poetry submission, I would greatly appreciate any feedback offered. I was hoping to see it reviewed in the new poems thread but it wasn't. Perhaps this is because it really chews. Perhaps it just was overlooked. I'm curious what anyone else might think.

Burial Grounds

Hello you
Yes its me
I see you flying across the sea
And where you’ll land
Where you’ll be free
Is just a pile of sand
That buries me

Goodbye to you
It's time to leave
And all we’ve been through
All we believed
Now slowly drowns
In the raging sea
And the waves crash down
To bury me

Reminds me of Syd Barret
My question would be why is the sea raging, it seems inconsistent, nothing else is, it is resigned.

 

[maggot420]

Re: Re: My First Poetry Submission Sux

Reminds me of Syd Barret
My question would be why is the sea raging, it seems inconsistent, nothing else is, it is resigned.

The Madcap Laughs

 

[Maria2394]

hey maggot420

I didnt think your poem sucked, in fact, I saw a poet with a poem, hiding behind inexperience. Dont be so hard on yourself, stick around and watch, practice and learn, there are some damned smart people here, talented , kind and giving, and HONEST!!

they wont stroke you, we are all here to learn, and you will, just dont give up...

 

[maggot420]

hey maggot420

I didnt think your poem sucked, in fact, I saw a poet with a poem, hiding behind inexperience. Dont be so hard on yourself, stick around and watch, practice and learn, there are some damned smart people here, talented , kind and giving, and HONEST!!

they wont stroke you, we are all here to learn, and you will, just dont give up...

Thank you very much Maria. You obviously fall into the damned smart, talented, kind and giving and honest catagory of poet here and I truly appreciate your words of encouragement. I will attempt to be more creative and descriptive in future work with your reassurance in mind. Thank you again for the inspiration and support.

 

[twelveoone]

Re: Re: Re: My First Poetry Submission Sux

The Madcap Laughs

Syd!
welcome back

 

[annaswirls]

Thank you very much Wicked Eve and Annaswirls. This is exactly the kind of feedback I was looking for. I appreciate your input and suggestions and will immediately use them in my next attempt.

I am not sure if I ever said you are welcome!

How are things going with your writing?

 

[annaswirls]

Thank you very much Maria. You obviously fall into the damned smart, talented, kind and giving and honest catagory of poet here and I truly appreciate your words of encouragement. I will attempt to be more creative and descriptive in future work with your reassurance in mind. Thank you again for the inspiration and support.

Yes! I miss Maria.

 

[maggot420]

I am not sure if I ever said you are welcome!

How are things going with your writing?

I can't believe you replied almost exactly 11 months later.
The already plapable esteem that I have held you in these long months has suddenly and unexpectedly exploded to new heights.

Thank you for the warm welcome.

Just click the link in my sig and you will see how unproductive my writing has been going

Yes! I miss Maria.

What happened to Maria?

 

[annaswirls]

I can't believe you replied almost exactly 11 months later.
The already plapable esteem that I have held you in these long months has suddenly and unexpectedly exploded to new heights.

Thank you for the warm welcome.

Just click the link in my sig and you will see how unproductive my writing has been going


What happened to Maria?

Oh come now, write us a tofu poem. An erotic tofu poem, you know you want to.

Maria? Her computer broke and she remembered life before Literotica ah what a blessing! She is still around, watch closely....she is quick

 

[maggot420]

Oh come now, write us a tofu poem. An erotic tofu poem, you know you want to.

Maria? Her computer broke and she remembered life before Literotica ah what a blessing! She is still around, watch closely....she is quick

maybe I'll start working on an epic erotic tofu haiku

 

[annaswirls]

maybe I'll start working on an epic erotic tofu haiku

I think you just did!