my first poem

[derek01]

Here it is, I don't really agree with it and its just not me but i feel it came out pretty well for what it is, an opinion of someone else......please critique

Inside I venture
into the wilderness
i love her so tender
yet lust i must confess
i've been with her forever
this is the first we've met
springing forth into my endeavour
without ever breaking a sweat
they're all the same really
a peck and a thrust
before that a compliment
to truly gain her trust
i make my angel become a queen
crown of rose petals lain above her face
in hopes of erasing
my own feelings of disgrace
shame oh shame let it pass
for with others love i suppress my pain
and without i would not last
there is no life without shame

 

[JUDO]

An interesting point-of-view for your character "There is no life without shame." Seems like I've heard that one before somewhere a long time ago. I say 'character' because this is someone else talking, not you (or so you say...). As is, I like the way in which your character delivers his message. I don't agree with it, but it's his, not ours.

first impression

I liked the way your work started. It seems to have a rhythm to it that worked, but about halfway down, something happened and the rhythm changed. I liked some of the word choices and some of the antithetical phrases.

rhyming scheme

You begin ABAB until 'endeavour,' then it's xAxA xBxB, etc. to the end. Although, several of the 'rhymes' at the end are performed rhymes rather than actual rhymes (words that should the same). I believe that this kind of rhyme works, but should be used sparingly. Even your last four lines could be rhymed ABAB after sets that weren't.

The change in rhyming scheme is okay, but usually I think such changes should be set off by a change in the content's context, or by a change in the poet's point-of-view. I don't know if I see that here.

structure

You followed a four-line scheme, but did not punctuate your poem to reflect it. Is there a purpose in this? I don't see it.

Those are the things I would think about, if I were to re-write this.

comment

All-in-all, a good first effort. Are you certain that this is your first poem written? Or is it, your first poem written here at Lit?

Welcome to the Lit Poetry Forum.


- Judo

 

[derek01]

thank you very much for your reply
sorry i didn't punctuate
with My First Poem, i meant my first poem hear at Lit.
Thanks again

 

[JUDO]

No problem, D. Now that you've started it, you might as well use this thread to post more stuff, or just chat.

See you 'round.

- Judo

 

[derek01]

next one

ok, i'll try a new one...then if anyone else wants to post one of his/hers feel free

Late at night I sit with her,
hair to hair, side by side.
Fighting the dark frost,
Going past the cold night.
Warmth rests in my heart,
Flows from her life.
Blood from my hands,
Drips onto her wrist.
This is the eternal love,
This is the wonderful bliss.
Joy wrapped in packinging,
Yet always sealed with a kiss.
The wedding was white,
The honeymoon was red.
Soft kisses exchanged,
Between lovers in bed.
The bulb goes out,
A flower blooms ahead.
A seed sprouts forth,
Bearing petals of spring.
Another bud escapes,
With an autum coloring.
The garden becomes full,
Two more white weddings.
Warmth rests in my heart,
Flows from her life.
Fighting the dark frost,
Going past the cold night.
Late at night I sit with her,
hair to hair, side by side.