My first poem "Eliza"

[Sebastian Sanders]

Eliza

--

Have a look. I think it sounds good when it is read aloud.

Let me know if you have a little giggle at this (or if, on the other hand, you're completely offended). It's a bit of a joke, really. It's loosely based on a true story.

 

[WickedEve]

I just read it. I think it was off just a little -- one syllable too many or too less in a few places. But that's not bad for such a long poem. A few rhymes didn't work but once again that's not bad considering the length.
Two suggestion you can use or toss: cut the length and give it a punch line ending. After reading a poem that long, I was ready for a big pay off at the end and I didn't get one.

Here are the last 2 stanzas of your 43 stanza poem. (I'm the official stanza counter. )

There she sits naked and wet
We're standing there all drenched in sweat
(she is sitting, so you may want to change We're to I'm)
Eliza grins and winks at me
She knows I was in ecstasy

And that's the story of my first
Exposure to the more perverse
Eliza was a stunning chick
I won't forget her very quick

I'm not sure what you could do with the last stanza but I'd consider changing it to something with more kick.
Eliza was a stunning chick
And this one didn't have a dick
Okay, I wouldn't use that (lol) but you get the idea.

 

[Sebastian Sanders]

I tried to keep to this rhythm

(a-)ONE-a-TWO-a-THREE-a-FOUR
(a-)ONE-a-TWO-a-THREE-a-FOUR

etc. the upbeat at the start is optional.

I'd be interested if you could give an example of where there seemed to you to be too many or two few syllables. It may be because one of the words didn't have an emphasis in the right place and it threw you off a bit. Or, just point out where I made a mistake.

For instance,

"That's the sound of her bra strap" doesn't sound right, because in "her bra strap", the emphasis doesn't come in "her" and "strap".

"I cannot get her out of mind" actually fits really well, but some people might read it as "out of my mind" if they don't read carefully.

Also this bit sounds a bit odd:
"Whenever females talk to me
I end up losing dignity" It sounds wrong because both "talk to me" and "dignity" don't have the emphasis on the third syllable.

Some of the rhymes aren't perfectly formal but I'm quite happy with that. Sometimes it is funny.

For instance, I think the lines
"There she is! She gives a pull
And yanks me in the cubicle" are quite funny, because "pull" is being rhymed with "cubicle"! The fact that they don't perfectly rhyme is quite intentional.

Other bad rhymes are "chick" and "exists". I don't mind that.

The rhyme "arse" and "fast" sounds quite wrong if you pronouce either one of these words incorrectly It's quite funny, to me.

By the way, Eve, thanks very much for your comments.

I also think the ending is a disappointment. Originally, it was going to be longer (ie, probably about twice as long) and more things were going to happen, but I ended up removing a whole lot from the end and sticking that last stanza on instead. 43 isn't a very round number! I'll need to make it a nice round 48 I'll try and think of a climactic or hilarious ending but I'm very bad at ending things (as you can see).

 

[OT]

I happen to be a fan of what I call "silly rhyme" poems, but this one wore me out.

You start with two (and a half) strikes against you:
The title is a bit plain, and the first stanza's forced "chick" and exist" doesn't work. I look to the first couple of lines to set the pace, and in this case, in addition to the forced rhyme, the rhythm was not apparent.

The length definitely works against it. There were too many imperfect rhymes and stumbles in meter for something this long. (asking the reader to "talk funny" to get the emphasis on the right syllable is a form of forcing, too)

Forcing is only OK if there's something just so darn clever, that you're confident you are trading a "raised eyebrow" for a grin.

Is this your first poem, or first poem at lit ? It suffers from a classic "rookie" mistake of not wanting to throw anything out.

Rather than make it longer, I'd recommend making it shorter.
You've got 43 stanza's of raw material. Cut it down and only take the very best. (the old show biz thing... leave them wanting more. Ten stanzas of perfect rhyme and meter will be much better received than 43 mediocre.

(Usual disclaimer, I'm just one opinion. Use or lose my comments at your discretion)

 

[Sebastian Sanders]

Thanks for your help. Your comments are appreciated.

Could you give some examples of the stumbles in meter?

Yes, this is my first, and I'm obviously a rookie

Thanks,

 

[WickedEve]

OT, I definitely agree with you about new poets wanting to hang onto everything they write. I think new poets can be like pack rats -- they want to keep everything. I know I was like that. I have a poem here at lit that is almost 50 stanzas long and I could not part with a single word. And I wrote a poem recently that was about 20 stanzas long and one stanza wasn't working, so I cut it out. It was no big deal. The poem read better without it.

SS, I'd have to read the poem again to tell you where I found trouble spots. Since you already have this poem submitted, why don't you try a new one and post it to the board first. You may get some good suggestions for revisions before submitting it.

 

[OT]

Could you give some examples of the stumbles in meter?
Thanks,

"Once more I gaze at her physique
Her slender thighs are quite unique
Her waist is small, her hips are round
Her body shape is quite profound

But there's just one thing that's sublime
That is her tits! They're in their prime "


For example, replacing the first line of the
second stanza with:
But THERE'S one THING that IS subLIME

sounds better to my ear.

With the hard J in Just, I'd naturally read your line as:

"but there's JUST one THING -- which leave the rest of the line out of sync.


Nothing to do with meter, but "tits" has such a cheap sound to it. It's a short/sharp too which throws off the flow.
maybe, "Her lovely breasts are in their prime"

am i making any sense?

 

[Sebastian Sanders]

Hi OT,

Yes, you're making perfect sense.

I fully agree with you about the line "But there's just one thing that's sublime". It's terrible.

I've been busy editing the entire poem now.

I have replaced those two lines with:

Alas, by far my favourite bits
Have got to be her luscious tits

Better?

I kind of want to keep the word "tits" in there. I know exactly what you mean, but that's sort of intentional. I find it hard to describe what I mean, but it's as if I deliberately wanted it to sound a bit childish and playful. Also, it's a bit satirical as if it was parodying the mind of an adolescent boy. That's also why it presents a fairly chauvinistic point of view - the woman is there also to please the male, sort of thing. I hope you understand what I mean. It's not meant to be entirely serious. Underneath it's sort of harshly critical.

If you've got some ideas for how I could better achieve this, I'd be happy to hear them.

Wickedeve, I'm still interested in revising this particular work, with help from the people in this thread. I would enjoy the learning experience. Is it ok if I post the version I have now? It's 32 stanzas long. Most of the woody stuff has been taken out and the rhymes have been improved. Some of the bits that didn't work are thrown out too.

 

[WickedEve]

Post your revision, please. I'd like to see what changes you made.

 

[Sebastian Sanders]

Note: this still does not have a satisfactory ending. That is something I have to ponder. Also, I am the first to admit that parts of it can still be improved.



Eliza


Eliza is the hottest chick
Of all the girls that I could pick
She has the curves, a perfect tone
She's always giving me a bone

Although, alas, I have no chance
Of asking 'Liza for a dance
Oh no, not me, the crazy freak
So many nerves I cannot speak

What's this? Eliza's coming near
My heart is gripped by mortal fear
Once more I gaze at her physique
Her slender thighs are quite unique

Alas, by far my favourite bits
Have got to be her luscious tits
Below her clothes they look a treat
I've love to see them all complete

I wonder what she wants. A dance?
A bulge forms in my underpants
Just now she whispers in my ear
"I saw you standing over here

"You want to dance? I know I do
I'd really like to dance with you"
But little does Eliza know
My dancing skills - they really blow

All dressed in black she looks a treat
Her silky legs are really neat
I see her cleavage and I think
Perhaps I've had too much to drink

She puts her hand in mine, and then
She swings her hips and smiles again
A shiver shuffles down my spine
The night is going pretty fine

We move as one unto the beat
Me dancing with my two left feet
My right hand finds a place to rest
It's sitting inches from her breast

She turns around and swings her arse
As my arousal's growing fast
Her body's firm against my clothes
And soon enough we strike a pose

She turns around, she shifts her hips
And kisses me upon the lips
I needn't tell you how I'm shocked
To find our lips are interlocked

We hold the pose for just a while
Her tongue explores my mouth with style
My hands move up and down her back
My chest is pressed against her rack

And then it happens suddenly
She pulls away and speaks to me
"Come meet me in the ladies' loo
I've got a treat in store for you"

With that she's gone and I'm alone
Her plans for me are quite unknown
I cannot hide my own delight
I don't believe my luck tonight

A girl comes out, I cross the floor
And through the women's toilet door
Oh there she is! She gives a pull
And yanks me in the cubicle

I slam the door and steal a glance
She's giving me a private dance
All this is just too much for me
A lapdance absolutely free

A monster stirs inside my jocks
This new performance really rocks
Her motion is hypnotic now
Her hips are moving round and round

She slowly reaches for her dress
And lifts it upwards with success
Right now I see her underwear
And all I do is stand and stare

Her panties are a wonderous sight
Her bra is looking quite alright
She loosens it and lets it fall
While all this time I am enthralled

Her nipples are like tender fruits
Those nectarines are really cute
She touches one, and then its twin
And then amazing things begin

While lifting up her ample breast
She licks her nipple. I'm impressed!
Just then she takes the other one
And once again she has her fun

She turns around and this bit's great
It makes me want to masturbate
While bending right down to the floor
Removes the panties that she wore

I'm greeted by an awesome sight
My mouth just waters in delight
For as she spreads her legs I see
A work of art in front of me

She spins around and shows the front
I'm staring at her wond'rous cunt
It's cleanly shaved, or so it seems
A wisp of hair above it gleams

I'm very close to blacking out
This is too much to think about
For now she is completely bare
I don't know what I'm doing there

Just now I smell her scented dew
She spreads her legs to show the view
Her body's an amazing sight
It makes me want to take a bite

While getting on her hands and knees
She now removes my jeans with ease
I stand there in my underwear
I'm feeling something stir down there

She pulls it down and I'm ashamed
My dick's erect and all inflamed
For just a while she stands in awe
My cock's defying Newton's law

While glancing at my throbbing cock
Eliza knows she cannot stop
She wraps her hand around the shaft
As I let out a sudden gasp

She takes the reins and turns around
She guides my penis to her mound
And bending down she eases back
My member glides into her crack

I reach right out and grab her arse
Its softness sofar unsurpassed
With both my hands I go to town
I'm bouncing 'Liza up and down

As I'm nearing boiling point
She lifts herself up off my joint
?
?

I reach a climax far too quick
A sticky stream escapes my dick
It falls upon her naked chest
She's looking thoroughly impressed

 

[OT]

I have replaced those two lines with:
Alas, by far my favourite bits
Have got to be her luscious tits

Better?

Much better!
The new way, the words blend in, and seem a lot less harsh.
Because of the rhyme, they have an extra excuse to be here.

 

[Sebastian Sanders]

Much better!
The new way, the words blend in, and seem a lot less harsh.
Because of the rhyme, they have an extra excuse to be here.

It's a bit awkward using "bits" at the end of a line, but I think it's worth it

 

[WickedEve]

"(H)y hands move up and down her back"

It's already reading better!

 

[DarlingNikki]

I'm not really a poet so I hope you don't mind me throwing in my two cents, but -

"Alas, by far my favourite bits
have got to be her luscious tits"

I like the new rhyme, but I read "alas" as "oh, no" (sad/worried/dissapointed connotation) so that line sounds kind of weird to me.

What about "I think by far my favourite bits?"

Or not.

 

[WickedEve]

I'm not really a poet so I hope you don't mind me throwing in my two cents, but -

"Alas, by far my favourite bits
have got to be her luscious tits"

I like the new rhyme, but I read "alas" as "oh, no" (sad/worried/dissapointed connotation) so that line sounds kind of weird to me.

What about "I think by far my favourite bits?"

Or not.

I agree about Alas.

Sabastian, here's a poem from another thread that is an excellent example of a clever, witty, rhyming, naughty poem.

Judo, I hope it's okay to post this here. I want to show SS an example of an excellent way to handle erotic humor.

Originally posted by JUDO
Sousa Gets Inspiration

"Five minutes tops...
That's how long you got, Pops."
She said, droppin' her panties
In these squalid motel shanties.

Today's hot in the shade
After the Fourth of July parade,
But times are tough.
"It's twenty! Don't give me no guff."

She hikes down striped pants
And smiles at the lance
Testing the limits of silk.
"Old man, gonna deliver some milk?"

He smiles, twirls his moustache,
Gives pert breasts a quick tongue lash,
Then bends her down low
'Til her prize winks "Hello."

Her lips glisten like shined brass
He wants to plunge it in he ass,
But considering the pleasure-pain
Decides to wait for the break strain.

On the downbeat, she shouts,
"You're not like my usual louts."
With a refined beat of baton,
He grinned from the end she sat on,

And quick-marched to one-twenty.
She laughed, but not from funny,
From the pleasure, she prayed on
As the band behind played on.

Double time, her breath blew
Between her legs the hot stew
Drove a note, right and sure,
From her lungs, high and pure.

She fell upon the spread
As he zipped and left the bed,
Throwing a Jefferson to flutter
While she finished a final shudder.

Shiny shoes and gold buttons
Silver braids and graying muttons,
White gloves and winning grin
Left the room that she stayed within.

A remembered face that she'd seen.
"Then maybe not, perhaps a dream?"
But then outside, the band, too clever
Started "The Stars and Stripes Forever."