My first Literotica story, comments appreciated...

[hornyjeff]

Hi, I had my first story posted a while ago, and would love some feedback from you guys.

Should I continue this? That was my original plan, obviously.
If so, what should I think about?

The only comment I've had so far is about the quoting style... Which I will consider, but there's probably other problems...

Well, here goes:
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=208697


Thanks!

 

[KawGuy]

Waiting ...

I have submitted my story. How long will it take to be approved?

 

[hornyjeff]

I have submitted my story. How long will it take to be approved?

I have no way of knowing that, but I think it took about a week in my case...

 

[LaJovena]

I liked the story. I posted comments in the comments section. Good job.

 

[hornyjeff]

I liked the story. I posted comments in the comments section. Good job.

Thanks, much appreciated!

 

[opels]

Great first effort

Liked the story very much. Posted feedback after it.

 

[ashesatwork]

reading your story now..loving it!

 

[professor98]

how I met jennefer

I'm also a writer, and have had some well thought words. I have downloaded your story and will take a good look at it Wednesday tomorrow. Then I will post it here or on your website. My first story is "Seven Mile High Club" check it out and let me know what you think.

 

[HornyHenry]

Good story!

HOWEVER...
There are glaring problems with it, like using "-" for quoting, and quotes for thoughts. Example:
- Jennifer, darling! Come over here for a minute, will you? Karen called out.

And, "Going into the kitchen, Boiling some water..." or something similar.
He was boiling water while walking into the kitchen?

And, "I and Jennifer" should be "Jennifer and I", which you got right in the following paragraph.

"We lied down" is not right.

And, yes, first person is hard to read most of the time. He, she, reads easier than I did, I did, I did.

And, some detailed description would help us paint the picture better, like, where were they in the stall when he put it in her? Standing, sitting, back to front, bent over? And saying she was sexy - Why and how was she?

The professor had some good, detailed comments. Please listen to them.
The story was pretty good, but I am amazed that someone who writes so well otherwise, could have so many major grammar and punctuation problems.
I'm only going to the trouble to tell you this because I believe you have potential to be a much better writer.
So, please look at the stories from well-received writers and see how they handle certain things. And, read the help files in the story section. There are a lot of good articles there.

Good luck in your future writings.
(Personally, I don't see anything wrong with having "horny" in your login name. It's only a login name, folks!)
HH